Works In Progress

Ironman Wisconsin 2010

2010-09-14T23:31:00.021-05:00

Where to begin???

After getting into triathlon late in the season last year, I decided to go big and sign up for IMWI 2010 - my plan was to volunteer at IMWI '09 to ensure I would get a slot. Plan was going well until the neighborhood gas explosion that badly damaged my house on 09/12/09.

Though that event stopped my trip to Madison in '09, I still registered for the race later that fall, and pressed ahead. To finish IMWI exactly one year after the fire was a wonderful way to bring this past 12 months full circle!

I had ambitious plans to dedicate massive amounts of time to training for this race, but some major life events happened - dealing with the house fire aftermath took over 6 months to settle, work has been busier than normal, and I met a wonderful partner this past spring - a woman I love very much, and am blessed to have in my life today.

So, my priorities shifted accordingly, and Ironman training wasn't the end-all-&-be-all of my life. That's not only OK, it's how it should be - maintaining proper balance in life is ever important.

Yeah, so the training... I didn't want to admit this until I actually finished the race, but - truth be told - I didn't train much at all (relatively) for this thing. No coaching, and in fact, no training plan whatsoever. I've never been much for training plans; after all, I do all this stuff for fun, right?!? I'm blessed that I can get away with this plan of no-plan given my current level of fitness and my own self-discipline - sure, I know I'll never set any course records or do my super-best-possible, but that's OK right now.

I simply swam, biked, and ran when I had time for each, and fit in long runs & rides where I could.

No surprise then that my overall prep in all three disciplines was lacking when compared the weekly training hours of any intermediate or advanced IM training plan. Run training was OK, but nothing stellar (only two 20-mile runs all year - averaged well under 30 miles/week for the season). Bike training was a single century ride in late April, one 80-mile day in July, and nothing even close to that otherwise - I had just two other weeks all season when I rode more than 45 miles on the bike. But my biggest concern was still the swim - I went over one mile in open-water only twice (one 1.5, and one 1.2), and went 2 miles in the pool also only twice. And no true "bricks" at all - those are when you do training events back-to-back, like a bike ride followed immediately by a run.

My saving grace was that I was very consistent at regularly working out - though my total hours & miles weren't impressive, I often did 2 or 3 workouts a day, and worked to balance intensity for my weak areas versus available time.

Still, even after admitting all of that, there was never a doubt in my mind that I would complete the Ironman course within the 17-hour requirement. But I truly had no idea how I would fare time-wise once I tried to combine a 2.4 mile open-water swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run all in one day. I was secretly hoping I'd be able to pull it off in 14 hours, but I didn't ever share that with anyone because I didn't have the training experience to give me any reliable perspective.

Michelin came along on the trip with me and provided fantastic support throughout - thank you, baby!!! This whole experience was made so much better with her being a huge part of it :)

We arrived in the Madtown area Thursday afternoon, checked into the hotel, and then I hit the Expo for Athlete Check-In. The expo was surprisingly lame - I expected a monster expo, and this was really small and unimpressive. Oh well - I wasn't there to shop or ogle, so no big deal. Check-In went fast & smooth, and then back to the hotel. We stayed in Middleton, which worked out fine (~20 min drive), but it would've been great to be walking distance from the Monona Terrace - unfortunately, that also equates to being hideously expensive. So, plusses & minuses either way...

Friday was very relaxed - just packed up my 5 race-day bags, final prep on the bike, and a quick 30-min run.

The 5 bags:
1.) Swim-to-bike transition (T1) - Bike helmet, shoes, sunglasses, race belt, plus some other stuff
2.) Bike-to-run transition (T2) - running shoes, visor, a few other things
3.) Bike course "special needs" (SN) bag - spare fuel bottle to swap out halfway through the course, and some other emergency items (tools & fuel)
4.) Run course SN bag - emergency-only stuff (can of Red Bull:), l/s shirt, etc)
5.) Morning bag - for my street clothes before/after the race

For those of you who may be curious what I specifically did for race-day nutrition, what I carried on the bike/run, packed in my transition/SN bags, and more nit-noid stuff like that - drop me a line, and I'll be happy to share more details.

Back to the Terrace Friday night for the "mandatory" Athlete Pre-Race Briefing. Nothing really useful there - just a regurgitation of the Athlete Info Guide we all had. Michelin & I didn't do the fancy Friday night dinner event before the race briefing, and no regrets there - you'll get your fill of IM hysteria that weekend, so I recommend you enjoy that night away from all the hoopla.

Back to the Terrace Saturday morning to drop off the bike, and the 2 T-bags. Wandered around the expo a bit more, but spent most of the day just trying to stay relaxed.

Slept pretty well Saturday night - a good 6 hours, which isn't bad for a race like this! Up at 3:00 am - shower, breakfast, final packup, and then jumped on the 4 am shuttle bus to the Terrace. Transition opened at 5:00 am, and I wanted to be there for it. Arrived a little early, so I grabbed a coffee at Starbucks and just enjoyed the calm, cool, and dark morning - it was a really neat pre-race energy building out there!

Got body-marked right at 5, dropped off the 2 SN bags, and put fuel bottles on my bike in the Transition Area (TA) - all done before most of the other folks arrived. Then just went in the Terrace, and relaxed for a while before the race - I nursed a Powerade after finishing my coffee. Michelin found me in the Terrace as I was waiting - she's amazingly good at being in the right place at the right time ;) I love you, sweetness! Here I am waiting in the Terrace:

I put on my wetsuit at ~6:20, and headed down the Terrace's east Helix to the swim start area. Dropped off my morning bag there, and headed to the water...

I was standing out in the water at 6:40 - the energy & vibe was incredible - lots of folks were out warming up, but I didn't feel like jumping out there quite yet. Water was 68 degrees and calm - absolutely perfect conditions. The announcers kept telling us to head out further to make room, so I swam out with a herd of others towards the first red buoy (upper right in pic below):

The small group of professionals started earlier than the rest of us regular age-groupers - they started at 6:50. The rest of us (2700+ total racers) all start the race at 7:00 am. Ironman swim starts are a mass start - no matter where you are in that huge starting gaggle, everyone's chip time starts when the cannon (yes, a cannon!) goes off at 7 am.

So this is where it got interesting... a growing group of us were right at that corner buoy. You see, I was under the impression that the course distance included that space between the shoreline and that first buoy, but that wasn't the case - and that finally became obvious to me at that point. Yet, even then, I still wasn't really putting 2-&-2 together - I was actually in a primo starting point - right at the "start" buoy itself, so I had a straight-shot along the buoys lined up in front of me. Sounds ideal, eh?

Well, the problem is that I'm NOT a strong swimmer, so that was in fact a bad spot for me to be in (more on that in a moment). By the time I realized this, we were all packed in the water so tightly, I couldn't move out of the way. Given the fact that I'm not a fast swimmer, I would've more ideally been further back and/or closer to the shoreline to start.

The videos below should help give some perspective on what I'm talking about - these are two videos I found on YouTube of the race start that morning. Bear in mind, this is ~2700 people all going at once! In the videos, I am near the front of that farthest end of the race gaggle as you see it - you can see the line of racers was packed thick all the way from the shoreline out to that first buoy - absolutely NUTS!

The entire first loop of the swim was constant contact with at least one other racer - it was insane! A total wrestling match out there - grabbing, pulling, pushing, kicking... My sprained wrist took a hard kick that really hurt the rest of the swim & bike. My goggles got completely kicked off my face twice, and my nose plug was a very early casualty - it was gone right away (should have put a string on it!). I was petrified my Garmin watch was going to get kicked off my wrist - mercifully, it didn't, but I will never again wear it during the swim portion of any race!

Since I was literally at the front of the pack with the fast racers, they all made quick work of trampling right over me, and it was all I could do to keep up with the ensuing "washing machine" as best as I could. It was chaos out there, but once I got over the initial shock of how nutty it was actually going to be, I started to like it! As they say in NASCAR: Rubbin's racin', and I ended up doing just fine holding my own around the course.

Around the first turn buoy (upper left in pic above), all racers traditionally yell Moooooo! as they go around the buoy - it was pretty funny listening to everyone as you pushed around that turn :) The second loop was a little bit mellower, but not much. All the same, I was very happy to finish the 2.4 mile swim and get out of that mess!

To give you an idea of what that "washing machine" is like, here's a good video :) Though this is a parody, that is exactly what these IM swims feel like!

T1 went fine - I came out of the water not too wobbly, and the wetsuit strippers helped me out of the suit. Ran back up the Terrace helix to the TA, swapped swim gear for bike gear, and headed out.

Here's a pic of the bike TA at the Terrace that morning...

I realized I needed to pee, so I bee-lined to a porta-potty on the way to my bike. Two problems there... One, IMWI makes you wear your bike shoes out of the TA - bike shoe cleats and wet plastic porta-potty floors make one helluva slippery combo - I almost bit it hard blasting out of the porta-potty - not cool! Two, in my great haste to pee, I obliviously ran right past the sunscreen-slathering volunteers - HUGE MISTAKE!!!

Grabbed my bike in TA, and headed to the mount line. On the bike, and down the opposite helix (woot!) and off on the 112 mile course!

My plan was to be very conservative on the bike course overall - the bike will make or break your IM race... Go too hard, and you won't have enough left in the tank for the run. Also, you take care of your nutrition foundation for the day while on the bike - take in enough calories to keep you going just right on the bike itself, and also prepare you for the run. In 140.6 races, nutrition is indeed the 4th event. Taking in either too many or too little calories and hydration can both be equally crippling - it's a very fine line to walk for each individual athlete, and requires a well-prepared & tested plan ahead of time. I won't bore you with details of my own plan here, but I'm happy to answer any questions y'all may have about what I did - my nutrition plan worked very well, I was 100% pleased with it.

IMWI is widely regarded to have the overall most challenging bike course of all IM races - this is because of the hills - while they admittedly ain't mountains, some of them are damn steep, and there are lots of them - you seem to be going up or down almost the entire course. It was constant work to ensure you stayed in a proper gear on the bike that a.) maintains your desired speed & pace, but b.) doesn't spike your heart-rate - the key to a great IM bike leg is steady consistency with regard to your power output.

I don't train or race using heart-rate data or power data, so I base my pacing on speed & pedal cadence (that data displays on my Garmin watch). Honestly though, that's just a fancy way of saying I basically wing it ;) I hoped to average 17 mph, and ended up doing better than that overall, and felt pretty darn good throughout the entire bike portion. But a few issues did plague me out there:

1.) My right wrist was sprained from a bad crash at race earlier in the season, and it was re-sprained during the swim. It hurt like hell on the bike since it was my primary shifting hand - on this IMWI course, you are constantly shifting gears, so I kept aggravating the sprain. Annoying, but not crippling.

2.) My neck was completely jacked up somehow from the swim. Tucking in the aero position on the bike was brutal for the first 30 miles or so - I couldn't turn my head at all to the left, and that freaked me out. Eventually, I just got used to it - what else can you do, after all?

3.) I got stung THREE effin' times by bees!!! On the first loop of the course, one went in a small vent on my helmet and stung my forehead. Then, on the second loop - at the very same friggin' spot on the course! - another one got caught in the top of my sunglass frame, and stung my left eyebrow - that one swelled up much worse, and my eye was burning & watering bad for a while there. Finally, on the lollipop leg back to the Terrace, one stung my torso as I tried to flick him off my jersey. Lovely.

4.) I got absolutely fried in that oppressively glaring sun over those 6+ hours on the bike. Ouch!

In case I forget to mention this later, the volunteers & folks out cheering the racers all day were ALL nothing short of phenomenal. There were over 3000 volunteers, and they made the entire race event -- from check-in on Thursday through SN bag pick-up on Monday morning -- a truly unbelievable experience. Mad props to all of the wonderful volunteers. And huge thanks to all of the folks who cheered the racers on the bike & run courses - absolutely amazing.

The hills of the IMWI bike course look like the Tour de France when it comes to crowd support - check out some of the crazy folks in these pictures (link borrowed from a fellow Slowtwitcher). I busted out laughing at some of the nutty stuff I saw out there, and that was exactly what I needed on those ass-kicking climbs - too funny!

Link to IMWI bike course pics (slideshow will automatically begin playing)

Wrapped up the bike course feeling good with a final climb back up the helix at the Terrace, hit dismount, dropped off the bike, and booked into the TA for my run bag. Realized I was crazy sunburned, so I let the sunscreen volunteers slather me up this time!

At this point, I still have not looked a race clock at all, and my Garmin was not set up to display time of day, or elapsed race time - that was intentional - I didn't want any time-related pressures to develop over the course of the day. I knew I had done well so far, and I knew I was going to finish the race overall, so I was all smiles heading out on the 26.2 mile marathon - the final event!

The smiles didn't last too long - the run hurt. Well, of course it hurt! But it hurt worse than I anticipated given how good I felt after the swim & bike. I disparagingly lapsed into the ol' run/walk IM shuffle strategy almost immediately. So, a few thoughts there...

1.) I knew I had a safe amount in the tank, but I didn't know how much. More (hell, any!!) brick training would've helped out there. That being said, I played it super conservatively - the last thing I wanted to do was get cocky on the run and blow up so hard that I couldn't finish the race. Though that's never happened to me in other triathlons, it's certainly not uncommon! I came too damn far to DNF the race during the run - NO way I was going to let that happen. If that meant I take it all slow & easy, then so be it...

2.) The IM run is almost ALL mental - it's a battle between your body screaming to shut down, and your head fighting off that urge. I gave in to my whiny body a lot more than I should have, but hindsight's 20/20, so that's easy for me to say now. Though I never ever did stop moving forward during the run, I admittedly walked a lot when I could've darn well been running. That was just me losing the mental battle every now & then. Sometimes I walked because I was being a wussy, sometimes I walked just to take in the sights & interact with the crowd and other racers, and sometimes I walked because I simply couldn't run. But I'd always start running again soon - it wasn't fast, but at that point, you'll take whatever you can get! ;)

3.) The first half of the run was late afternoon when the sun & high temps (upper 70s) were at their worst - it was rough out there. I was so crusted over with salt all over my body, I began chafing badly - both armpits were burning like hell from the salt & friction, but I finally noticed I could get a handful of Vaseline at the aid stations, and I went to town with it - oh how I love thee, mighty Vaseline! Much better after that. The second half of the run was more tolerable as the sun got lower & temps began dropping.

4.) The Aid Stations on the run course were fantastic - it was like a wonderful buffet at each & every mile!

5.) While walking at various points, I met a few other racers involved with Racing For Recovery (I was wearing the R4R race kit top) - it was motivating to talk with each of them. It was a good reminder that though I wasn't feeling exactly tip-top on that run, it sure as hell beat being drunk! And chatted with any other random racers I happened to be walking with - everyone has a cool story of how they arrived at doing an IM race - great stuff!

I ran in the last two miles (that stretch of State Street was INSANE with awesome crowd support!!!), and then full-on sprinted hard for the final 0.2 mile - passed 6 people in that last stretch and came across the finish line at max blast! I was so light-headed from that sudden burst of energy, I didn't even hear good ol' Mike Reilly call out "Chris Halloran - YOU are an IRONMAN!!!" as I crossed the line. No biggie - just was thrilled to finally be done!

Michelin met me at the finish, and I was a total mess - this pic sums it up perfectly - that's me trying to smile - lots of emotions & adrenaline going wild at this point, muscles suddenly & violently cramping, and my left eye is still swollen from that damn bee...

Even here, I still have not looked at a race clock yet - during my finish-line mad dash, my entire focus was to not fall on my face as I sprinted in - I blocked everything else out. I was hoping I was somewhere close the 14-hour mark, but I couldn't see a race clock from where I was in this picture, and didn't have the energy to go look for one - the finish-line area was a total madhouse. Michelin helped me inside the Terrace where I struggled to get out of some of that nasty kit - I wore that same kit (top & shorts) all day, and I was one stinky, sticky, sweaty, salty, and just plain gross hombre! At some point while changing, I glanced at a wall clock in the Terrace and noticed it said 8:06. WTF?!? I asked Michelin if that time was right - she just smiled :) It was only then that I realized I came in under 13 hours - given my overall weak base of training (and that trainwreck of a run!), I never dreamed I'd get under 13 hours at this first 140.6 -- I was elated then, and still am now!

My final results here

Will I ever do another 140.6? I'd love to someday, although I think I told Michelin that night in the Terrace, Never again!!! But I'd like to do it with a coach next time - I now know I could easily go sub-12 with proper training, and I think I could do much better than that. I don't think I'll ever Kona-qual (KQ), but it would be fun to get sub-11, and I don't believe that's out of reach for me. Someday!

Definitely no 140.6 in 2011 for me though, and it may well be several years before I do another one. And that's perfectly OK - Ironman and other 140.6 races will always be there when I am ready again.

For those of you considering getting into triathlon, do it! It's SUCH an amazing community of people, and if you ever decide to do an Ironman event, it's a powerful experience you won't ever forget - and I mean that in a good way :)

A work in progress - always & forever...

Spring has sprung

2010-04-25T20:57:00.047-05:00

The 2010 spring season has brought many blessings.

It's wonderful to be back in my house! I'm all settled in, and couldn't be happier with the way things have turned out. The improvements made during the renovation are all working out wonderfully, and I'm thrilled to everything restored & returned to the way it was or better.

Well, admittedly, the lawn is still a trainwreck (as it always has been), but that's pretty low on my list of priorities ;)

I've been blessed to meet many new friends both in & out of recovery, and both in & out of the running/triathlon communities. Life is good! One recent acquaintance has me particularly excited about the future, and I'm thrilled about that.

The '10 race season is off to a great start too! This season's training saw a slower & rougher start than last year, so I was getting frustrated, but then it finally began to click & fall into place...

My first "race" was the MDRA Mudball Classic last Saturday, and it was a hoot! I love that race because it is so laid-back and it has such a fun & celebratory atmosphere. I love getting to see my MDRA friends there, and it was the first time I've seen Steve this year - we had a great time catching up, and he gave me some awesome info for my IMWI training - thanks Steve!

Last Sunday, I enjoyed my (then) longest bike ride ever - 45 miles out-n-back on the Gateway Trail. Good stuff!

This weekend, I had this season's first half-marathon on Saturday morning - the Get In Gear. It went very well - though it wasn't my fastest half marathon split, it was much faster than I anticipated. I really couldn't be happier with the results. The weather was rainy & cold - you all know how much I grumble & whine about that weather before a race, but once I settle down into my pace out on the course, that weather is always just about perfect, and I'm all smiles.

Congrats to my friends Rachel & Willie who both PRd their 10Ks, and Mary who PRd her half-marathon. And to Steve, who massively PRd his half on Saturday (not GIG) - 1:22 - wow!

After that race, we celebrated with yummy Day By Day Cafe breakfast with my wonderful GF and my dear friend Rachel and some of her friends - a perfect way to cap off a great morning! I even got in a great swim that afternoon at the Midtown Y. A leisurely evening spent with my lovely GF capped off a fantastic day :)

On Sunday morning, I woke up early to head out to the Minnesota Ironman Bike Ride. I was just planning to do the 65-mile route (they offer 30, 65, and 100 mile options). It was cold & rainy again this morning, and I came very close to not doing the race at all once I got there and realized how wet & chilly it would be. But, I decided to man up & press on...

Today's BIG mistake: I picked up a course map at the check-in table, but stupidly stuffed it in a jersey pocket without even looking at it. My reasoning? "Well, surely the course will be very clearly marked at the split points, and I won't need to worry too much about looking out for that turnpoint..."

Admitting that, I know all my Herk peeps out there are shaking their heads: "Route study, and then clock-to-map-to-ground, Hydro! C'mon now!!!" You'd think such preflight & inflight skills would still be second nature to me, but I arrogantly decided to blow off my pre-mish planning. Trust me - lesson learned!

OK, so off I go... I had planned to be self-contained on the 65-mile route. Though there were rest points along the way, my plan was to do the 65 without stopping - I had enough water & fuel on the bike to make it happen. Well, that was the plan, anyway...

The first 50 miles were cold & wet. It was rainy, chilly, and windy. There was a rest stop at mile 50, and I finally decided to take a break to warm up a bit. I peed, grabbed a cup of coffee, and jumped back on the bike. I admit that it occurred to me then that I didn't recall a 50-mile stop being part of the 65-mile course, but I still didn't understand I had missed the 65-mile course turnoff (which was quite a ways behind me at that point). But do I stop then to confirm my suspicion on the course map like any sensible person would? Of course not! Ugh. So...

I start getting excited as my Garmin tells me I'm at the 60 mile point, but as I look around, I notice that it does not appear that I'm anywhere close to Lakeville (the Lakeville senior high school is the start & finish of the race). "No worries!", I reassure myself, "Surely, I must still be on the 65-mile course"

...It was then that those uncomfortable past-life memories of "Uhhh, hey Nav... What's in SCNS right now?!?" started to surface in my mind... As the Garmin mileage ticked closer to 65, reality set in - I am still out deep in farm country, and am definitely not on the planned 65-mile course!

The legs were understandably sore at that point (after all, my longest ever bike ride till this point has been those 45 miles a week ago), but I was still feeling fine overall, so I decided to suck it up and push out my first-ever century (100-mile bike ride).

Those last 50 miles were drier - only light occasional rain, but the headwinds & crosswinds were brutal. My decent average speed over the first 50 miles dwindled to a frustrating crawl through those winds. I made one more rest stop at ~80-mile point for more sugar & coffee, and then finished my first century with a big smile on my face!

I'm very tired right now, but my body feels good - sore, but it's a good, contented soreness, and nothing hurts - I'm very happy about that. I'm looking forward to a great season of many great race events coming up!

These last two weekends have combined all of the wonderful things about my spring so far - time spent with with my amazing GF, other wonderful & dear friends, and good/fun/successful training events & races.

Tonight, I reflect what a huge gift that sobriety has been in my life - all of the many blessings I enjoy today are only possible because I am sober. By God's grace, I will continue on this path, but it's a journey I take one day at a time. And I like it that way - it keeps me humbled & grateful for each day I have in this incredible new life of mine.

I hope your spring is off to a wonderful start as well!

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Now playing: cage the elephant - ain't no rest for the wicked

Blessed

2010-02-18T20:27:00.003-06:00

In mid-2009, I decided to become a triathlete. Though I am early in this new triathlon career of mine, I am humbled by the amazing folks I've met so far...

I've mentioned before what a blessing my friends in the distance-running community are - all such healthy, genuinely happy, and encouraging people. Folks in the triathlon world are certainly the same way.

Today, I was blessed to meet more local triathletes who are also in the recovery community. It gave me pause to consider just how many of "us" I now know - a lot!

I really shouldn't be surprised by this - folks who are sincere & earnest in their recovery are ideal candidates to excel in the worlds of endurance running, triathlon, and multisport - such activities truly are a perfect match for us.

Triathlon and long-distance running are examples of activities that most people consider completely out of reach. To folks humbled by & grateful for the miracle of their recovery (even those with little or no endurance background), we know that nothing is out of reach for us. We know that anything is possible, and that belief & confidence in ourselves takes us the distance - by the grace of God, we are able to achieve wonderful and previously unimagined accomplishments in life. And out on the road, on the bike, and out in the water ;)

To all of my fellow brothers & sisters in recovery (athletes and otherwise): May God continue to bless you, and thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. Though you may not know it, all of you are an inspiration to me, and I am grateful to have you in my life today.

To my fellow sober racers - looking forward to meeting more of you and seeing you around in the upcoming 2010 race season & beyond!
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Now playing: eagles of death metal - flames go higher

2009 Twin Cities Marathon

2009-10-04T17:31:00.029-05:00

Great day overall!

Weather? Could hardly ask for anything better. Just about as good as it gets.

I had been saying that if the weather was good, then I'd push out at a Boston-qual (BQ) pace, and just see how it played out. Very honestly, I didn't have any illusions about actually getting a BQ. I'm an optimistic person (try anyways!), but through school-of-hard-knocks experience, I'm also pretty familiar with my body's race-readiness levels, and an overall BQ simply wasn't the level I was starting this race at.

The house-fire thing has been the biggest reason for that. Sure, it affected my actual training some, but it much more affected my focus and mental prep for this race. At any level, racing for an aggressive finish time is more of a mental challenge than a physical one (in my opinion), and my head just hasn't been in full go-get-'em mode for this one. Work was busier than usual the two weeks prior to the fire, and that affected training runs too. And I mishmashed in a lot of multisport-specific training there late in the season - none of that was in the original plan for 2009. But that had its own rewards - one duathlon and two triathlons under my belt now (including an oly), and I'm really pleased with how well those three races went.

Excuses, excuses ;) I don't mention any of that to rationalize away the BQ miss. I mention it because I knew all of those things were adding up to no BQ for this year, and that's A-OK. I've got plenty of time for that later!

Race prep went well, although I clearly screwed something up in my nutrition plan. More on that in a moment...

Have been blessed this week to "meet" Willie Tibbetts through Facebook - Willie is an amazingly talented lady, and a much-loved superstar in the local running scene & beyond. We bumped into each other in Corral One at the race, and started off together. I managed to stay with (correction: near ;) Willie for ~10 miles, and then started to slip back. Willie's strong pace helped get me a start that surprised me - I hit the halfway point at 1:32:51 - I've never had a pace close to that for 13.1 miles! At that point, I knew there was NO way I was going to sustain it for another 13.1, but I just decided to keep going and see how long I lasted.

Shortly thereafter, I got the worst sideache I ever remember having. WTF? A sideache?!? I haven't had one of those in years!!! For me, these are typically related to poor hydration, but I felt strongly that I was properly hydrated even at that point, so this is still a mystery to me. And I couldn't get rid of it either. It slowed me down a bit; every time I tried to push it back up, the stitch intensified, so I had to just find a level I could live with.

The sideache wasn't the end of the world, just frustrating - I got to around mile 20, and then it all fell apart... The legs cramped badly, and every muscle started to get really sore - even my arms. I was anticipating the legs giving out since my weekly mileage had not been where it needed to be in the last month prior to the race, but I had been hoping I could get to mile 23 or 24 before they rebelled. The whole time on Summit Ave was miserable. Run some, walk, jog, walk, run, walk. Ugh. But the unusual soreness in all of my muscles tells me something was not right with my pre-race nutrition plan. So, I've got some things to think about there for next time... Live & learn!

The spectators and volunteers were all fantastic - huge thanks to all of those folks!

Mom, Dad, Katie, B, and Margo - thanks for the wunderbar family support - your signs & cheers were great!

The Charities Challenge crew was fantastic as usual - thanks to Coach Gary, Coach Jeanne, Tom, and Roxann for the awesome support during & after the race. Cheryl - it was SO cool to see you there with Parker and Mark - you guys made my morning - the signs you made were so cool! I can't express enough how much it meant to me to see you guys there and have your support - thank you so much! :)

In no particular order, mad props to:
Rachel - first marathon ever - looked strong and finished strong - SO proud of you, Rae!!
Marcy, Hetvi, and Bridget - first marathons for them too - all finished strong & smilin'!
Tanya - great job rockin' another solid PR today - you are kickin' butt and takin' names!
Sandi, Amy, and Gary - so great to see you guys at the Dome - congrats on another rockin' TCM!
Willie - 3:03:51 - wow! What else can ya say? Congrats, Willie - and thanks again for the early push!
My friend Nicole Cueno - 2:49:37!! I'm embarrassed to admit that I had ZERO idea Nicole was such a marathon rockstar - big congrats to her!
Steve Stenzel - crushed the TC 10-Mile race with a 1:02:43 (95 out of 5797!!!). Awesome job, Steve!

My results. A 26.2 PR by 20 minutes (no, I'm not counting seconds here, lol), so I'm very pleased with that.

THANK YOU to my dear friends who have been so generous with your support & encouragement. I am so blessed these days to enjoy the wonderful circle of friends that I have today - I am so very grateful to all of you for your kind support today and always - thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Now playing: gnarls barkley - run (i'm a natural disaster)

3,2,1... Go!

2009-09-26T17:07:00.074-05:00

Finished race links -> results; future race links -> info pages
Race pictures are over to the right under "Racing Pics"

2010:
Get In Gear Half-Marathon
Minnesota Ironman bike ride (100-mile course)
Gear West Duathlon (#109)
Stillwater 20-Miler
Buffalo Triathlon (olympic - 1.5k/40k/10k)
Liberty Triathlon (olympic - 1.5k/40k/10k)
Chisago Lakes Triathlon (70.3)
Ragnar Relay (Great River)
Ironman Wisconsin (140.6) -- race report here
Twin Cities Marathon

2009:
Get In Gear Half-Marathon
Stillwater 20-Miler
Grandma's Marathon
Ragnar Relay (Great River)
St Paul Triathlon (sprint - 0.5mi/20k/5k)
Minneapolis Duathlon (5k/18mi/5k)
St Croix Valley Triathlon (olympic - 1.5k/40k/10k)
Get Ready To Rock 20-Miler
Twin Cities Marathon -- race report here
Monster Dash Half-Marathon

2008:
Twin Cities Marathon
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Now playing: beastie boys - body movin

Keep on keepin' on...

2009-09-20T18:04:00.018-05:00

I am so very appreciative of all of the support I've gotten over the past week! My family has been amazing, and all of my dear friends have been wonderful with offers of time, resources, and anything I need for help.

Thank you Mom & Dad for providing a familiar & comfortable place to stay and the excellent home-cookin' all week. Thank you Cheryl for coming to help last Sunday - taking pics and writing down inventory was pure drudgery, but your help & just being there on that long day was such a blessing - I so appreciate it!

The outpouring of support has been unbelievably heart-warming - I have so much to be grateful for today. Yes, the fire could've been much worse, and I'm certainly grateful all that will turn out fine in the end. But I'm most grateful to have the wonderful, generous, and true network of support I am blessed with these days.

No updates on the house or my stuff yet, but for the time being "no news is good news". I'll be getting all settled into my apartment starting on Monday, and I'm looking forward to that - it'll be a welcome return to some normalcy.

The Twin Cities Marathon is still on as planned, but I won't be pushing for Boston. These last few weeks of training have just been too messed up (yeah, I know some of that is supposed to be taper, but I've never really been much into tapering ;), and I don't think it would be wise to push that hard at the TCM. So, I'm thinking the BQ attempt will now most likely happen at the 2010 Grandma's - it's a great course for a Boston push. If not then, then sometime soon enough... It'll happen eventually - that much I promise!

My plans for the 2010 Ironman Wisconsin are still on. Because of the fire, I missed out on the opportunity to register in-person, but I decided that paying extra (lots extra!) for a Community Slot was still well worth it. While I hope this won't end up being my only 140.6 IM-sanctioned race, you just never know... So, I decided making my push for that as planned in 2010 was worth the extra money.

I'm determined that this ordeal will not stop me from going after my big plans. Maybe a speed-bump here & there, but overall? It's time to HTFU & FIDO ;)

In the end, when all is said and done, and I'm back settled in at my house, I don't think much will have been lost as a result of all of this. And I hope my house will end up with a few improvements too! In the meantime, I admit this is all a hassle & inconvenience, but I'm grateful that's all it is - there's been no loss of life, no grave injuries, and no loss of anything that can't ultimately be replaced.

Big picture: all is still good. Very good! :)

THANK YOU once more to EVERYONE for your love, support, and well-wishes!
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Now playing: sublime - what i got

I never thought...

2009-09-13T08:36:00.005-05:00

...something like this would happen to me.

You see these insurance commercials on TV, and think "Those poor people. Hope that never happens to me". Well, it can!

Summary: Next door neighbor's house filled with gas. They were home (family of 5 - very nice, sensible people), and smelled the gas. They were in the process of opening windows, and clearing out when the Dad flipped a light switch in the basement (probably just out if habit) - then, BOOM - literally. The neighbors across the street said it was like a huge bomb went off.

The family all were either outside (Mom and baby) or got out of the house (dad and one daughter) with treatable burns. The other 10 year-old daughter was trapped in her room by the blast and needed to be pulled out by another neighbor who busted through a window to get her - she's suffered some internal bleeding from the blast, but is projected to make a full recovery. That neighbor is a great guy, and is a real hero!

It truly is a miracle none of them were killed - thank you, Lord!

It's all over the local news & newspapers today if you want to read more about it. My Mom said there was national TV coverage showing Obama boarding Air Force 1 at here in Minneapolis, and you can see the smoke from my fire in the background. Lovely. Not exactly how I wanted to be showcased on the national news...

One local news slideshow of pics can be found here Ugh. It's hard for me to watch.

The initial team of adjustors met me this morning. They did a walk-through and took pictures. There was a whole lotta "Oh, this doesn't look good", and they didn't stay very long. That can't be a good sign for me keeping the house, but I won't know for sure for a day or two. I will keep everyone posted on that...

Today, I am going to start my "list" - what I think I can save and what is lost. I'm not looking forward to this. I know it's going to be a long and very sad process. Please pray for my strength & spirit - I'll need it.

Some of my pics from the damage are here - it's a panicky mishmash from my iPhone and my other camera (all taken yesterday after I got on-scene), but it gives you a small idea of the damage: http://picasaweb.google.com/hydro311/FireDamage

Thanks to everyone for the messages, texts, voicemails, etc - I so very appreciate it - I can't express that enough!!! Please understand if I can't make individual responses to all right now - I'll do my best, but I am so completely overwhelmed right now - I appreciate your understanding, and please don't think I'm blowing you off or am not very appreciative of your support!

I will blog here with bigger updates and on Facebook too - thanks again to all - your prayers and well-wishes are so appreciated!

A weekend at the races

2009-08-23T17:04:00.049-05:00

Wow. What a weekend it's been!

The "Great River" Ragnar Relay was absolutely incredible - I thought it would be fun, but it far exceeded my expectations! A total of 233 teams (!) participated - most were 12-person teams with 2 support vans per team. There were a few "ultra" 6-person teams also, but I was floored by the sheer number of folks who participated - it was absolutely awesome.

Everyone was so enthusiastic & fun - some of the teams were just insane - wild costumes, crazily decorated vans, bullhorns, sirens, booming radios, all sorts of flashing lights - it was so much fun. And all of the folks (other racers and volunteers) were fabulous - everyone was so supportive of each other throughout the race - we were all in it together. We had a blast getting to know some of the other teams we were pacing with at various points over the two days.

Overall, "The Loo Lovers" (our team) did impressively well - we soundly beat all of our forecasted legs times, and finished the race well ahead of schedule. Unofficially, it looks like we averaged 8 minutes per mile over the 195 total miles. I was very happy with how I did - I was runner profile #11, and my three legs were all ~4.5 miles. My legs were all pretty flat, so I just hit the gas as hard as I could. That got harder as the relay went on, since I got maybe 2 hours of sleep over the two days - and that was better than some folks who didn't sleep at all - our opportunities to rest were few and very brief!

The weather was fantastic throughout. The night leg was my favorite. It was completely dark (no moon and zero street lights on most of the leg), but temperature & conditions were perfect, and it felt great to tear it up. My headlamp provided enough light to see, and our van kept our nighttime runners in sight the entire time - they just leap-frogged along as the runner progressed, and could thus immediately provide cheering, water, or any assistance. This was a luxury that the usual daytime traffic on the roads would not afford - during the day, the van provided support to the runner at 1, 2, or 3 points along their route, but that was the best we could do.

I will absolutely do Ragnar again. Many more times, I hope! It made me remember again why I love running - the camaraderie and just plain simple fun of it provided a much-needed recharging of my training batteries. The whole experience was incredible - it was a celebratory 28+ hour running love fest - as close to a Woodstock as the running world can get :)

Some pics from the race can be found on the Facebook Loo Lovers page. Hopefully, more will be added over the next several days...

I was finally home from Ragnar at about 4 pm on Saturday, and then...

It was time to get ready for the St Paul Triathlon on Sunday morning - my first-ever triathlon. I had registered for the "sprint course" before I was asked to sub in on my friend's Ragnar team, so I figured I would still try to make this tri if at all possible - it was paid for, so why not? ;)

I washed some clothes, packed up the transition bag, prepped the bike (didn't swap to race wheels for this one - not enough energy for that effort ;), and got to bed as soon as I could - I needed to get up at 4:30. Ugh.

I got about 7 hours of sleep, but that's for sure the best night of rest I've ever had before any big race - I usually don't sleep very well the night before big races.

Brewed up some coffee, and hit the road to Lake Phalen. Randy (race director) confirmed I would be able to pick up my race packet that morning, so I wanted to be there right when the transition area opened. No problems there at all - got a good transition spot and built my nest.

The sprint race was a 0.5 mile swim, a 20K bike, and 5K run. It went far better than I expected - I was extremely happy with my times (events & transitions both) - one, it was my first tri ever (woot!), and two - I had just finished Ragnar and was still physically ass-kicked from that whole experience (crazy schedule, off-pattern eating, lack of sleep, lots of running, etc). Here are my final results from the tri.

I thought the event was very well done. I've heard that some of Randy's events can be a bit unpolished, but this one was quite impressive in execution. I like that his events (Vacation Sports) are comparatively quite a bit cheaper than other races - that's nice! The transition area security left a bit to be desired (no bike-to-rider verification upon exit, opened back up too early to finished racers [some folks were still in T2, so that's not cool]), but even so, I wasn't at all worried about my bike or gear in there, so I can't really complain. Plenty of friendly volunteers and great support all the way from pre-race, along the courses, and post-race.

Some good lessons-learned...

I thought I would be crazy nervous for the swim - I have never done a swim of that distance, and this was my first long open-water swim (OWS). But, I wasn't nervous at all. I was actually a bit concerned that I had zero race nerves - usually, at least some nervousness is a good thing, but I had none. I would like to think that was because I was so well prepared, but that would be a huge lie! I guess it was just the fact that I was still emotionally drained from Ragnar - my body was just saving all energy for the race - nothing to waste on nerves. If that's the answer, it works for me!

I wore my wetsuit for the swim, and that did wonders for my confidence and performance. I feel like an invincible super-hero when I swim in that thing! Realizing that my swimming skills leave much to be desired, I waited a few seconds and left the beach towards the back of my wave. The "washing machine" wasn't bad at all (lots of contact, but all minor), but the frustrating thing was other slow swimmers - throughout the course, I kept running into lines 5 or 6 abreast of lollygagging swimmers, and I'd have to pick through them - it was hard to get in a good rhythm at any point during the swim. But, I felt really good throughout the swim overall, so I was greatly relieved by that.

Running to T1 was a trip! Everyone told me to be prepared for being dizzy and light-headed getting out of the water, but wow... that was intense! I got through T1 fine and without any major shenanigans, though I struggled a bit getting out of my wetsuit quickly due to my balance still being eff'd up. No big deal.

ALWAYS know thy courses! I didn't carefully review the courses because I didn't have time or energy to do it last night (dorked up that set of priorities!) And, of course, that bit me. Nothing bad, and I found out later numerous other people did this same thing - the bike course was an out-n-back, and as we were nearing the transition / race area again, I thought that was the end, so I reached down and slipped out of my shoes. Yeah, well... not so much the end... We actually shot around that area for a quick out-n-back. So, I had to reach down and get back in my shoes - not a huge time loss overall, but that loss would've been easily avoidable if I'd reviewed the course. I didn't race any of the tri with my Garmin since this was such a short race, so I had no way of knowing total distance - another dumb mistake.

I also had some embarrassing getting-into-my-bike-shoes buffoonery coming out of T1 - that was due to my being uncoordinated in general, and not enough practice yet with the whole leave-shoes-on-bike thing (admittedly, shame on me for bringing that unpracticed weak-sauce to a race). Shook off that snafu, and proceeded to have a solid overall bike portion - I was pleased with my pace. My quads were screaming from Ragnar when I first started to drop the hammer, but they soon quieted down. Or maybe they just surrendered and went numb. I'm not sure which.

T2 went really well - dismount from the bike went smooth, booked it to my spot, slipped on the Zoots, grabbed my visor, and I was off - 35 seconds from TA entry to exit - booyah! The first mile of the 5K was total murder - my legs were so effin' tight - I thought I was in for the longest 5K of my life... But then the legs loosened back up just fine, and I was thankfully able to settle into my usual form. By some miracle, I actually PR'd the 5K - now, where the heck did that come from?!?

All in all, a most excellent weekend - I am one happy camper right now. And grateful too - I'm blessed to have my good health, wonderful friends, and the available resources to enjoy these great opportunities!

Next events on the schedule:
8/30 - Minneapolis Duathlon
9/6 - St Croix Valley Triathlon
9/13 - volunteer at Ironman Wisconsin
10/4 - Twin Cities Marathon
10/31 - Monster Dash 1/2 Marathon

See you out there!
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Now playing: death cab for cutie - i will possess your heart

Balance

2009-07-13T19:38:00.010-05:00

My Mom often proffers the following advice when I update her & my Dad with what I've been up to lately: Keep your balance.

Wise words.

It's very easy to let things get out of balance, even when I may feel I have it all pretty well under control. The biggest thing I must balance is maintaining my recovery as the #1 priority in life. I feel I do a good job of that overall. Room for improvement? Of course! But that's why I stick with working my Program on an ongoing basis - I'm always learning.

But smaller upsets in my balance can easily grow and oscillate into other areas, so that's what I need to remain well aware of. While the vast majority of things happening in my life do not pose any sort of direct threat to my recovery efforts, improperly handling them certainly has the potential to snowball dangerously ("Serenity NOW!!!")

Right now, I'm taking some me-time to reassess my training plan & goals.

I began this season with the upcoming Twin Cities Marathon (TCM) as my "A-race" for the year. Then, mid-season, I decided to get into triathlons, but wisely shelved any immediate entry there (i.e. significant races) until next year. However, I have been accumulating tri gear, equipment, and training plans, and have admittedly been quite distracted by this exciting new world of tri. I am very pumped to hit triathlons hard next season, but I have to remain faithful to this season's plan - a good show at the TCM.

I've recently been blessed with a fantastic opportunity to participate in the 2009 Ragnar Relay, and I'm very much looking forward to that! Though I remain focused on the TCM as the big fish in the pond, I don't see any real conflict with that and Ragnar. However, I did sign up for two sprint triathlons this season ("Just to get a feel for things"), but one didn't end up working out schedule-wise in the end, and the second one is scheduled for the same weekend as Ragnar. While there's an outside chance I could still do that second tri, I don't see it happening. It doesn't make sense to push that hard - especially considering it would be my first tri race. So, while it stinks to eat those race entry fees, it's a small price to pay in terms of experience if it means I stay healthy and true to my goal for this season.

Continuing that theme, there's simply no good reason to push so hard in general to mishmash in so many adventures & experiences just because I seemingly can. I'm young, I'm blessed with amazing health these days, and I've got many, many years of running and racing ahead of me - plenty of time in the future for many more goals!

So, it's time for me to throttle back a bit. One nagging result of my distracted training imbalance has been this tight right calf. Still there. Not worse, but not better. I've decided to take some time off from running to give it a rest. That will also be a good time for me to reassess my game plan for the final months going into the TCM. I'll plan to do some swimming in the meantime, but overall, I'm taking a break from scheduled training - I need it to restore my balance, and I'm very confident good things will result ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: cat power - breathless

"Open Book" Recovery?

2009-07-01T21:01:00.022-05:00

Today, I am blessed and grateful to celebrate 3 years of sobriety.

How? One day at a time. Progress, not perfection.

My recovery has not been (and certainly is not now!) perfect, but I'm humbled & thankful when I reflect on how far I've come from that amazingly low place 3 years ago. My recovery will forever be a work in progress, but one I embrace with 100% of my energy. My sobriety is -- and forever will be -- the most important priority in my life.

The initial steps in my recovery journey were the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than all the other "hard things" in my life combined. For me, it was very literally a life-or-death situation, and for a frighteningly long time there, I had consciously chosen death as the final option. Turning that around was not easy under the horrible weight of shame and that suffocating state of utter hopelessness. But I finally made the choice to get better, and with God's grace in my life, I've enjoyed a steady return to life - a great life - a truly healthy life blessed with a loving family, amazing friends, and rich with activity. The Promises of AA have all materialized in my life over these last 3 years, and I am so grateful for that.

I am unlike many folks in recovery - I am very open about my recovery journey. I haven't always been that way. During the first year of my sobriety, I focused exclusively on it - I didn't pursue a job or new relationships outside of meetings, or otherwise communicate at all to many people outside of meetings and my family. After that first year, I became much more comfortable & assured with my situation, and it was then easier to reach out to other folks - to begin re-establishing old & disconnected friendships, and start new ones.

My active alcoholism was far from a private matter. Everyone in my life knew I had a horrible problem, and I have a criminal record which publicly documents a clear problem with alcoholism. Since my battle with alcoholism itself was very open, I decided that I would be correspondingly open about my recovery journey. To me, that just made sense to do. Particularly, as I was re-establishing contact with old friends, that question of "Wow, you're alive! I though you'd be dead or in prison by now! What happened?!?" warranted an honest and complete answer.

So, I started this blog and otherwise became willing to share my story with folks - both folks in recovery (of course) and "normies" too.

Some folks in recovery disapprove of me taking this approach of openness - they advocate that recovery should always remain very private, they advocate humble anonymity in all cases, and remind me that AA is a program of attraction, not promotion, etc, etc, etc.

I understand and certainly respect their viewpoint on this matter - after all, years ago, addiction & alcoholism were much more of a stigma and scarlet letter than they are today - it was risky then to be "open" about being in recovery. However, I have not encountered any such stigmas, either professionally or personally. And, if I did at this point, I now have the confidence and conviction to ASAPly set that sh!t straight (pardon my french). Of course, I would do it in a manner that kindly educates and informs ;) -- ignorance & prejudice with regard to recovery shouldn't be tolerated any more than other forms of ignorance.

Some folks in recovery may say that I am unduly grandstanding with the open sharing of my recovery story. Again, I disagree. Please do not confuse my enthusiasm and passion about recovery with undue pride or self back-patting. Getting kudos and atta-boys are not why I share my story or openly celebrate my sobriety anniversaries. I choose to share my experience, strength, and hope with both folks in The Program, as well as "normies" on the outside - I share because I've encountered a need to educate, inform, and be a living example of the miracle of recovery.

Most importantly, continuing to be open and accountable (recovery and otherwise) to ALL people close in my life helps keep me straight on the path of right living.

That's why I do what I do - it works for me.

I'll close by sharing my new favorite quote; it's from Kurt Vonnegut - "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do." Indeed!

A work in progress...
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Now playing: johnny cash - i walk the line

Grandma's Marathon '09

2009-06-21T08:49:00.019-05:00

This race was a very good learning experience for me. I made several big mistakes going into it, and I'm very fortunate and blessed that I not only finished with a PR (personal record), but that I finished injury-free.

In no particular order, I'll break 'em down...

Mistake #1: No long-distance training in sun and hot weather yet this season. I've been blessed to have some other great races (GIG 1/2, Stillwater 20-miler) this year with regard to my paces, but they've all been under near-ideal weather conditions. So far, I've only done distances of 4.5 - 5 miles when it's been hot and sunny. That's a big hole in my training!! So, I must incorporate some long-distance training runs when it's nasty like that out. The upcoming TCM in October could be brutally hot (like in '07), so I need to prepare for that option. When it's nice & cool or overcast out, that's a whole different game than when it's sunny, hot, and humid :)

Mistake #2: I went into the race with a questionable calf injury. Well, not so much an injury - but this lingering, nagging tightness in my lower calf/Achilles area I've had for the last several weeks. Two results from that: It's hampered my training (especially distance runs), and it was dumb to start a race like a marathon with a wildcard issue like that - I could have easily shredded up that calf or Achilles during the race and I'm very fortunate it feels good today. Actually, I'm a bit spooked right now - it feels perfectly normal today (is that good or bad?!? I expected it to be quite tight!). It didn't "hurt" per se during the race, but I definitely felt the tightness. Did it slow me down? Yes, but not from pain or anything like that - it was more from that stupid "Can I pick it up? Yes? No? What if I push too hard and blow it out? Go faster? Slow down?" loop-of-doubt that kept playing in my head. You shouldn't race if you know you are going to be distracted by such things - it just messes with your focus and clarity. And I knew darn well that loop would be playing, so I should've considered more carefully at the start whether this race was smart to do.

Mistake #3: Past results do not themselves equal future success. This ties in the previous two mistakes, but is a lesson I need to get real about - especially as I migrate into triathlon training! Just because my training so far this year has been ahead of schedule, I can see now that was had a lot to do with the great weather we've had so far (cool temps). My rigorous marathon training history is only about one year old now - I've certainly come a long way, but I can't get too far ahead of myself. As I continue to whittle my pace times down, I need to be much more patient and realistic than I have been. This race at Grandma's was a very good wake-up call - if I want to BQ at the TCM this year, I realize now that I have much more work to do than I previously thought! I was getting far too cocky in my training and goals this season, so Grandma's definitely helped knock me down a few levels...

Here's a breakdown of my Grandma's results. It's almost the complete opposite of my '08 TCM performance - instead of my pace slowly improving throughout the race like the TCM, my pace steadily degraded all through Grandma's. I started out too fast, and was thus behind the proverbial power curve when the temps ramped up, and it all went south quickly from there.

So - Grandma's '09 - definitely not my finest work. In fact, it was the worst race of my career so far. I guess that sounds odd for me to say when I PR'd, but this was only my 3rd marathon ;) It may have been a PR, but it's not one I'm particularly proud of - given my mistakes, I was very fortunate to just finish this race at all. Great lessons learned here for me, and I'm taking them all to heart!
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Now playing: electronic - breakdown

Resolution

2009-06-05T19:24:00.007-05:00

I am confident that we've now seen the last of my stalker ex-gf and her rancorous harassment.

Earlier this week, she was confronted on the phone by one of her latest targets. She was advised on no uncertain terms that the harassment would cease immediately. She acknowledged that message, and stated it would not happen again.

To follow up on that, I have explored possible legal action that I myself can take. I've been counseled to provide her one final warning to forever cease all harassment and unsolicited communication to me, and my friends & family members. That has been done; I have emailed her that message today, and - God willing - that will be the last communication that I (or anyone else in my life) will ever have with her. I made it very clear what consequence would result if she were to disregard these messages.

In the future, if any of you out there receive any form of derogatory communication from her regarding your association to me (as I've mentioned before, it would be glaringly obvious in tone & content), please do let me know - I am now well prepared to escalate it immediately.

Thank you all for your support and help through this week - it's very much appreciated!
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Now playing: beastie boys - something's got to give

WARNING!

2009-06-01T01:27:00.005-05:00

My unstable ex-girlfriend (for perspective here, that relationship ended 3.5 years ago!) is resorting to new lows in her ongoing efforts to wreak havoc in my life.

Because some close friends of mine have blocked her existing profile on Facebook, this girl is now creating fake Facebook profiles as a way to view people's Friends Lists, and is contacting other people's family members in an effort to "warn" them about me.

To put it mildly, that is crossing the line.

I would appreciate it if you (or anyone in your Friends List!) would please let me know if you get any harassing messages ranting about what a horrible person I am. There's no use in openly identifying her here, since she is now disguising her identity. However, any message from her would be exceedingly obvious in both tone & content.

If you are reading all of this and thinking, "Chris, WTF is this all about?!?", then please check out this previous blog post. I am happy to take any questions you may have about the whole situation, so please feel free to ask - I sincerely do my best to be openly accountable for my past actions & behaviors, and that previous blog post is a rather comprehensive summary of the situation and my side of the story.

Her malicious (but misguided) efforts here are cowardly and indicative of her ongoing psychological issues which she refuses to be accountable for - sadly, she believes that her attempts to trash my current life will somehow bring her peace and happiness. It's unfortunate that she still does not understand the all-too-well-proven "epic fail" in that line of toxic reasoning.

Today, I'm blessed to be surrounded with happy, healthy, and supportive family & friends - my close friends are well aware of this whole situation and are in my corner 100% - I am certainly grateful for that, but I am saddened that they are being unduly harried.

This recent harassment has gone too far, and it will no longer go unanswered.

Your attention and support here are much appreciated - thank you!
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Now playing: fugazi - bad mouth

Expectations

2009-04-04T12:31:00.008-05:00

...is the topic for today. Admittedly, it's a topic I've blogged about in the past; however, like so many of life's challenges, it's one I face routinely, and rarely in the same form.

My favorite saying on the subject is: Expectations are just resentments in the making. So true!

The area where I am most often bruised by expectations is in personal relationships, so I'll focus there.

I must choose friends and potential partners carefully, and be careful not compromise or yield too much. This is rarely easy, especially in the early stages. Even if things start off very well, I must be wary not to concede my standards in an effort to be accommodating, or be otherwise agreeable. Being overly compliant is where I typically get myself in bad straits.

When I become frustrated with other's behaviors, I must ask myself: Are they not living up to standards and behaviors that have been mutually discussed & agreed upon, or are they not living up to standards and behaviors that I myself have imposed upon them?

More often than not, it's the latter. In that case, I must be brutally honest with myself about my motivations. Are my concerns truly reasonable? If I feel they are, I must be brave enough to peaceably voice my concerns, and not let any resentments build & fester. Or am I seeking self-glorification, unreasonable attention, or being otherwise just plain selfish? If so, I must become accountable for my role and adjust my attitude. Often times, this most appropriately requires the help of the other person - their feedback, perspective, and support can provide me great insight.

However, in some circumstances, I am left in an undesirable situation - after honest assessment, I determine the relationship (friendship or otherwise) is not a healthy one for me to maintain. I compromise too much of my own standards in an effort to keep things afloat. I want to be clear on one point - this does not necessarily mean that the other person is 'bad' or otherwise somehow undesirably deficient. It often just means that we are too different in how we approach things - our standards are not congruent.

What to do next depends on the particular situation. To find the greatest peace for myself, all I can do is be honest with the other person and attempt to discuss the situation. This may be met with varying degrees of success, but it's a step I must take to be accountable and forthright. Just walking away bitter and feeling hurt is never a healthy option, even though I may (at the time) feel such action is justified to teach them a lesson or something equally selfish & defensive. Although such thinking is a classic, red-flag slippery slope to anyone in recovery, alas, I am only human, and am not immune to it. I can't necessarily stop such a thought from popping up, but I can certainly choose not to take action on it ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: new radicals - get what you give

One day at a time

2009-03-23T18:57:00.010-05:00

I've had a couple of great races this past weekend. The weather was beautiful, and the races were a blast. I'm starting to meet more & more good folks in the local running community here, and I'm enjoying that.

Leading up to Grandma's and the Twin Cities Marathon (TCM), I've signed up for a bunch of shorter races this spring & summer. Publicly, I've said that I'd just be doing these for fun, and would have no goals for them, but that's not entirely true. I do have goals for the longer ones, since some will be convenient trials for the marathons.

And, indeed, I did have goals for this weekend. They had to do with my big goal, which I have for this year's TCM: a Boston-qualifying time (BQ). To qualify for Boston this year, I need to average 7:30 min/mile, so that was my goal for these races this past weekend. I was able to do it for both, but as I was crossing the finish line each time, I thought to myself, "26.2 miles at THIS pace?!? No effin' way!!!"

I cannot afford to think like that.

Distance-running training is very similar to recovery. If I just stare at a final goal, the road to it looks overwhelming and impassable. But if I take it one day at a time, and work each day to the best of my ability, meeting smaller goals as I go, I travel along that road just fine. Sure, there are inevitable missteps along the way, and it can be discouraging at times on a day-to-day basis, but I simply must do the honest best I can today. If I do that, then I truly can have no regrets with the outcome, even if that means I don't make my goal at the desired time. And that's the cool thing about life - it's rare that you truly don't get a second chance, at least with the really important things ;)

Just as I do a daily 10th Step inventory for recovery, I do the same thing with my BQ goal for running. What right action have I taken today -- just today! -- towards my goal? Where have I fallen short? What is my plan for tomorrow -- just tomorrow! -- to accentuate the positive and amend today's shortcomings?

When I take it one day at a time, my small steps add up to those long distances over time.

When I was in my early sobriety, The Promises of AA seemed completely out of reach to me, but they have all steadily come true over time. Similarly, my goal of doing the TCM last year in under 4 hours seemed beyond reach when I first started training late last season. But each "goal" has been realized one day at a time, and each continues to enrich my life today.

The fruition of AA's The Promises are a blessing that I'm grateful for every day, and my success at the 2008 TCM has motivated me to continue further with running. As a result of each, I've met wonderful, healthy, happy people who enrich my life, and I myself have grown as a happier and healthier person. Good stuff!

If a BQ doesn't happen this season, no worries. Heck, I've got the rest of my life to get one ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: billie holiday - i've got a date with a dream

Let It Go

2009-03-09T18:26:00.013-05:00

It's a topic I've blogged about in the past, but letting go is on the agenda for tonight.

Maybe it's this time of year that gets me thinking about this. It's spring - the season of change and fresh growth. And it's around my birthday. I've never been one to celebrate my birthday much, but I will acknowledge that pesky question of "So, how's this whole life thing turnin' out for ya so far?" seem to gain volume & intensity around my birthday. Heck, I warned you in the last post that my head is a dangerous neighborhood! ;) So, for whatever reason, letting go has been on my brain lately...

I know as well as anyone that it's easy to get down on yourself when things don't seem to be going your way. With a little help of my friends, I am reminded that I shouldn't be frustrated or resentful that my will isn't being done. Even with little things. Sometimes, it's those little things that are the worst - as if they are some great personal injustice when everything else seems to be going so well. Am I grateful for those many other wonderful & good things? No, instead, there I am harrumphing on my pity-pot about some little bit of qweep that's not in accordance with my wishes. Quite silly, really.

So, let it go. Admit first that I'm trying to control things such that they meet my will for them. If I can do that early enough in the process, I can usually let it go fairly easily. Usually, that simple notion escapes me until I'm selfishly all tangled up. Then, it's hard for me to let go when I feel like I've invested blood, sweat, and tears - "I know it's imprudent, but I want some kind of return here, dammit!!" Haha, I realize that's pretty ridiculous even now as I type it, but I can be pretty darn thick-headed and irrational when it comes to such things.

So, how do I let it go then? One thing that helps me is to let it go by taking it back. When I'm wrapped up in some situation that's frustrating me, it's inevitably because I've surrendered the fate of my emotions to someone or something else - some kind of outcome. My emotions are mine to control - in the here & now. They are not in any way dependent on anyone or anything else. That's hard to remember when I feel invested in that outcome. Remembering that I alone control my emotions and that state of peace, happiness, and serenity is the only thing that will eventually pull me out and allow me to let go. So, I let go by taking back what's mine to control - my emotions and attitude.

Sounds reasonable enough, but it's definitely easier said than done. With lots of ongoing practice and a little help from my friends, I continue moving forward better and smarter. Progress, not perfection ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: the dust bros - this is your life

The Plague

2009-03-06T20:13:00.019-06:00

I'm having a hard time pushing my way through Fountainhead, and so I take breaks from it by reading other books. One recent read is Camus' The Plague.

I haven't read The Plague since getting sober, and the philosophical currents present in the book were far more stimulating to me this time around. The struggle for, and subsequent path to, acceptance for the various characters each contained elements that I could closely relate to.

In one discussion between two of the main players, Tarrou is explaining his history and motivations to Rieux, and Tarrou mentions his desire become a true healer, and next equates that to attaining peace.

When Rieux questions him if he knew what the path to follow for attaining peace was, Tarrou responds, "Yes. The path of sympathy."

That struck me particularly, but not because it is such a unique idea as presented here. Certainly, that general idea is not uncommon among other great thinkers and philosophers. It was simply a timely standout reminder for me of that concept...

The biggest threat to my valued serenity and ultimate sobriety is Pride. It's no coincidence that Pride is also the deadliest of the Seven Sins. For me, pride isn't simply arrogance; more dangerously, it's unchecked self-reliance. When prideful, I begin to distance myself by withdrawing. Selfishness and ego begin to control my thoughts and actions. While this may not directly result in a return to drinking, it is a dangerous path of regression for me as a person in recovery.

My recovery is very much a one day at a time process. This is not to say it's a nail-biting, white-knuckled day-to-day struggle, rather, that is very simply how to live life on life's terms. If I wallow in the past, I am lost in selfish regrets and wasted time. If I project into the future, I am indulging too much my self-serving will. The present is where I must remain. Here is where my attention must be, because it is only in here & now where I can take right action - only now is when I have full control of my emotions and reactions. Am I at peace right now? Good question...

To me, serenity is being at true peace with myself, and at peace with others. Sympathy is certainly an excellent path. If I am to be sympathetic to others, I must surrender my self-will and pride. Thus, sympathy necessitates humility. And humility seeds gratitude. The harmonious stalwarts of humility & gratitude provide the foundation for peacefulness. These truly are the most formidable weapons against pride.

My head is a dangerous neighborhood to spend much time alone in is a phrase that I've come to understand and very much respect as I've progressed in recovery. I will always be an addict - my head will remain that dangerous place until I die. It's up to me to respect that fact and work around it until then. That's acceptance. The "working around it" is my recovery.

A work in progress...
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Now playing: beastie boys - gratitiude

Much like Brett and Lance, it's baaaack!

2009-02-16T13:42:00.006-06:00

I've decided to keep on with the blog...

I just haven't found a better writing outlet idea, so I think I should just stick with this. Plus, I've gotten some feedback encouraging me to keep on with this one, and that's been cheering to hear. I'm grateful to learn that my recovery journey has been a source of experience, strength, and hope to some dear readers out there, and I feel an obligation to keep sharing insight into my ongoing recovery experiences.

I'll have a busy spring coming up, and am juggling a lot right now with the new job, getting ready for Grandma's, and lots more of just plain "getting out there" socially. So, I can't promise that I'll be posting near as much as I have in the past, but that's not necessarily a bad thing either!

So, please keep an eye out for new posts, and possibly a new look. Perhaps, a change of scenery around here is what I need ;)

Thanks again for all of your wonderful support and heart-warming comments - it's a blessing to have such great friends!
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Now playing: new order - every little counts

Full circle

2009-01-26T21:57:00.063-06:00

Admittedly, one reason I started this blog was as a response to a certain someone who was stating (what I considered to be at the time) unfair and negative things about me – about the person I was when I was in my active alcoholism.

And now, my final post here concerns similar things from that same person yet again. I would like to make it clear that my decision to stop posting on this blog and this particular topic are truly coincidental, but the timing of it all is interesting, no? God indeed works in mysterious ways…

What she's been saying about me this whole time can be found here.

So, why would I choose to highlight this or otherwise respond (yet again!) to all of this? Is this really healthy for me to do so? Good question – I'm not sure (to be honest), but I feel the following is important for me to get out in the open.

Some things she discusses in that link are true. So, I feel an obligation to be openly accountable for those things. My intent here is not to fight or explain away what she says, but rather to acknowledge they are out there, and responsibly address the main points. In this way, I think she is actually perhaps doing me a great favor...

In my recovery, I have found that one of my most difficult struggles is trying to determine how much of my past alcoholic behaviors are appropriate to disclose to who, and when. I have gone back-and-forth with what I consider to be appropriate, and who should know what. There is no one "right" answer here. However, from experience, I do know that wrong answers here certainly do exist.

So, while I have refrained from disclosing what I'm now about to for a long time because I didn't think it was appropriate to shotgun out to this oh-so-vast internet… well, here it is. If my past behaviors are going to be dissected by someone else in websites and forums, then I feel I must to somehow respond.

So how? I'll discuss some generalities of what is said in that link, but I won't go into bloody detail – I know that's not appropriate for this particular forum. For now, I'll say what I think is appropriate as a response – please know that you are welcome to ask me for more info & details, but also please respect that I may not oblige you if I don't feel it's fitting to do so…

I was a real dog in terms of being a boyfriend, son, brother, and decent man when I was in my active alcoholism. No gray areas there at all. I was a total dog. I lied, I cheated, and I deceived. All in an effort to protect the number one concern in life at the time – my addiction. Everything was sacrificed to protect it – my morality, my values, my work ethic, and my integrity. My emotional, spiritual, and physical health were all sacrificed to satiate my deformed and broken ego which was solely fueled by my drug of choice – booze.

How did this all happen? I am convinced I was born an alcoholic, and that it was just a matter of time before I would eventually contend with it. My drinking career started typically as most did, and I drank (arguably) normally for several years before my drinking began to transform into excessive drinking, then problem drinking, and finally all-consuming addiction. That transformation was not sudden – it took several years. During that time, my morality deteriorated right along with it. All quite insidiously…

That's how addiction is most effective - the insidiousness. The slow decline allows the disease to get a hold of your mind and reassure you that what is so plainly going horribly wrong is, in fact, A-OK. You're not the problem – they all are. They are, along with everything else. Everyone and everything is all lined up against you, it seems. These feelings of "they just don't understand..." serve to further isolate you from available help and clear vision. That's exactly what the disease wants to have happen. When it can get you alone and unplugged from everyone & everything else, the real destruction begins. If you've ever read C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, you'll understand exactly what I mean.

Addiction is a most evil and sinister disease – I would contend it's the cruelest disease out there – not only will it eventually kill you, but you'll welcome physical death when it comes because, by then, you have already been rendered spiritually, morally, and emotionally dead. No other disease in existence destroys a human being so cruelly - so wholly and completely - as addiction.

My own experience can be best described as a downward spiral of bad action – guilt – bad action – guilt – etc. When my drinking first became excessive, I had to start the lies to cover up my actions. They began as small, white lies. Soon, I needed more than lies to cover up my actions – I needed deception. I was not only lying to cover up my tracks, I was now putting up a preemptive smokescreen so no one knew what was happening. So, the slide down that slippery slope begins…

Allow me to stop here and address a point – I talk of addiction as a disease, but it's not my intent to paint myself simply as a poor victim of some horrible disease I had no choice to eventually succumb to. This is an ongoing hot-button point of debate in both medical and recovery circles – if it's a disease, that then implies we are somehow not responsible for our choices as active addicts. That's certainly not what I believe, but further explanation would fill volumes, so I won't get into it now. In short, I do believe it’s a disease, but I would never say that I was not 100% responsible for all of the poor choices I made – I want to be exceedingly clear about that.

Back on point… The evolution of lies to lies & deception found me digging myself into an ever-deepening hole. We have a saying in recovery: When you are digging yourself into a hole, the first step is to stop digging. However, that never occurred to me. The disease already had its talons deep in my head – I was convinced that I could dig myself out laterally with "just a few" more lies and deception "to get me out of this one thing here", but that only got me deeper. Of course, that's no surprise to most of you dear readers…

And so the self-loathing begins. It's around that point when an addict usually first sees a glimpse of what is truly happening to them. The disease is particularly cruel in this way: Not only does it slowly destroy all of you – it also gives you an occasional glimpse of the reality of things as you progress deeper – just long enough for you to become very frightened & hopeless about what's happening, but not long enough that you can steel your will to take proper and right action.

So, the self-loathing… Your faint awareness of what's going on begins to send you into a state of depression. Hopelessness sets in. This is when you really begin to detach from your environment in earnest. The cycle of bad action – guilt begins to spiral down more violently, because – more and more - your drug of choice becomes involved in everything you do. Even if not actively using, your thoughts are still consumed with it. It seems to be the only escape – you know full-well you are in that hole - you may have already given up hope of ever getting out, and now the only thing that takes away the pain is the drug. And so you self-medicate with it as much as you possibly can.

Back to me now… Like all addicts, I had grand thoughts that I could have my cake and eat it too. I thought I could control my "small and only sometimes problem", and still have a successful, happy life. And I tried like hell to make that happen. I tried everything. For many years, I tried. And let me reaffirm that to any skeptical addict out there reading – it can't be done, my friend. Addiction is in no way compatible with sincere happiness.

But I tried. The lies and deceptions grew in size and number. And the drinking increased proportionately both in cause and effect. Can you see how this is a vicious circle? "Why not just step out of it?" or "Why didn't you reach for, or accept any help?", you may reasonably ask. Because the disease won't allow you do those things – those things are a threat to the disease, and it won't tolerate them. Again, I'll refer you to The Screwtape Letters for perspective.

Let's discuss my cheating. In my circumstance, I was involved in a long-term, long-distance relationship. That allowed me to live a double-life with varying degrees of success for quite a while. I could indulge my addict, and still play the part of got-it-all-together boyfriend. Afterall, I had a successful job, nice car, comfortable home, etc, etc. How could I be a mess if I had all those things, and (what I thought was) a successful relationship too? Well, addiction is a very greedy disease – it doesn't like to share any attention. It's simply a matter of time before it will consume everything else in you life, and that's what happened. As that was occurring, I still would get those fleeting glimpses of clarity, and they would only serve to increase my despair. I consoled myself that I still had a good job, a car in the garage, a roof over my head, etc. And although (in my moments of clarity) I knew the relationship was increasingly a sham as a result of drinking, I thought I was still doing OK because I had "a relationship" happening.

Soon, my diseased ego needed more stroking than just my own muddled assurances and rationalizations. I needed to feel that I was still attractive and desirable. By this point, my girlfriend knew much of what was happening, and I still tried to deny everything and placate her as much as I could. I was stuck in a bad place – if I admitted to her what was happening, I would risk losing my one true love (alcohol), but if I let her go, I would be acknowledging that things were really falling apart – in that case, it would be undeniable (even to crazy me!) that I was unable to maintain my "happy" life and still drink. Of course, this was lunacy – my life was already a total mess at that point. Little more than shoestring and bubble-gum were holding together my shell of an existence, and yet somehow, I kept my job, my home, my car, etc. "See! I still have all that!!!", I said to myself. Ugh. I know it's insane. The disease of addiction is defined by insanity. Clinical and verifiable.

So, I fed my ego by "dating" locally while in Japan. Since I was in no shape to be a true boyfriend to anyone, this "dating" was little more than short-lived physical trysts. But they temporarily filled a void – I construed those relationships as a indication that I was still desirable. However, just one relationship wasn't ever good enough – it didn't ever quite satisfy the ego completely. So there would be more relationships in an effort to satiate my rotten ego. Yet another downward spiral… Insanity can be defined as "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results each time". Insane. This disease is insane. And all this time, I was still in a "relationship" with the one girl back in The States.

Then, prior to coming back to The States, I found a woman I cared for very much. I was convinced that she was the one who would get me through the disease finally. Of course, I never told her that – I knew she would run like hell if she knew the truth about me, and rightly so! So began a new game of trying to juggle "happy life" and addiction. If only I could be a better person for her, it would all be OK… That, of course, wasn't ever going to happen if I could not be accountable and honest about my situation.

Such a quandary… What's a drunk to do? Keep on juggling, because that's all a hopeless drunk can do.

So I did. Even when I returned to The States, I kept juggling – and now I had quite an act going on… I was now back home with the original girlfriend, and had the other one long-distance. Wracked with guilt, I half-heartedly tried to patch things up with the original girlfriend by involving her in an out-patient alcohol treatment program I attended. But I wasn't ready to give up drinking despite the state I was in, so there was no possibility of me being capable of making things right. Especially since I was still involved with the other girl long-distance (she didn't know any of this was happening back home – about the original girlfriend or any of that). I then had a brilliant idea (or so I thought) – I could have the "happy life" and my drinking because I could go back to the ol' "double-life" game with the new long-distance girlfriend! I simply had to get the original girlfriend out of the picture. Crazy, ain't it? But that takes me back to that earlier predicament – how do I break things off with her without acknowledging why? Afterall, that endangers my beloved addiction. As it turns out, my addiction did it for me – she caught me drinking, and although I denied it up & down, the circumstance was excuse enough for me to terminate the relationship. That was very early February 2006 - about 3 years ago.

Ahhh, I thought I was pretty home-free then… Now, I have the new long-distance girlfriend (who knew none of what happened), and my true love (booze). The hope to get my act together "for her!" was renewed. But that was the problem. I pinned my hopes of getting better on her, not on me.

You see, an addict will never truly get well until they decide to do it for themselves – they must hit that infamous bottom. And this concept of "the bottom"? It's a crock of shit. There is no bottom until you are six feet under. And, depending on your religious beliefs, that then may really be the start of your problems! Until you're dead, there's always further to fall, trust me! But I digress. I wanted to get better for her (which is a fine thought, and perhaps a nice start), but not for me – so there could never be true success. Only juggling.

Although I had long lost any sincere spirituality, I did occasionally pray asking God to find a way out of this disease for me. The sad part was that I just wanted to be helped, but I wasn't willing to help myself. That’s an all-important distinction to keep in mind as I continue here.

So, my "bottom" (if you will)… I had driven out to see my girlfriend out-of-state. My family didn't know about this girl, so I had to make the trip in secret. I told them I was going camping by myself up north for the week. I stayed sober the entire time I was with her (I don't know how I pulled that off – I'm sure I was shaking violently most of the time), but I sure drank hard on the way home. I stopped for the night in the middle of Nebraska, and drank pretty much the entire night. I slept maybe for a couple of hours before heading out at around 6 am. Still drunk at ~7 am on July 1st '06, I fell asleep at the wheel on I-80, and went into & through the divided highway median. Since it was ditch-shaped, I launched out of it and rolled the car, totaling it. Gratefully, there was no traffic in the oncoming lanes I sailed through, or I surely would've killed all of us. They say the car rolled 4 or 5 times before stopping. It was mostly flattened, but somehow landed upright. In typical drunk fashion, I crawled out of the mashed wreckage completely unscathed. I was taken to the local county jail and processed for DUI.

Talk about a sobering experience... Here I was in podunk Nebraska county jail for DUI #3 in my drinking & driving career, and no one had any clue where I was or what I was up to. The girlfriend I just left believed that I'd given up drinking months before, and my family thought I was camping in MN. To say I was suddenly at a low point is a gross understatement.

I became suicidal in my despair. But they make those jailhouse drunk tanks awfully darn hurt-proof (I was in there by myself – after all, it was early morning!). My ingenious idea was that I'd fashion my woolen blanket into a rope and then somehow attach it to the toilet, and "hang" myself my leaning out from it. As I had the blanket wrapped around my neck and was trying to figure out how to attach it to the toilet, I was literally stopped - God spoke to me then & there. I swear it. He said, clear as a bell: "I am once again offering you an answer to your prayers – you have a very, very clear choice before you. Is that truly the final choice you want to make?" And I stopped. I just sat back and took it in. And I knew that wasn't the choice I wanted to make. I wanted to choose life, and I accepted that that path would be the hardest thing I've ever done, but for the first time ever, I felt the strength and will to do it. And I actually smiled, sitting there next to the toilet with the blanket wrapped around my neck. I finally chose life, and I was filled with an indescribable peace. At that very moment, I felt God remove the obsession and lift the fog & despair from me. It was a true miracle, and it was simply amazing.

But, that also happened to be when a deputy checked in on me and put 2'n'2 together about what it appeared I was trying to do. I tried to explain, but I'm sure it all sounded plain crazy, so off to the loony bin I went. Errr, I mean "psychiatric facility". Yes, I am crazy, and I now have the paperwork to prove it! I spent several days there before I was finally released to return to MN for in-patient treatment before going to trial. Some long, hard phone calls ensued over those next days – having to explain to my worried-sick parents what happened, having to confess the situation to the girlfriend, etc. But these were the very necessary first steps to becoming accountable for my past actions – my recovery would never be a success without honesty and accountability.

In-patient treatment through the VA was great, my amazing family was (and still is - thank you!) wonderfully supportive, and I then returned to NE to responsibly handle my court-related obligations and sentencing.

The rest, as they say, is history – by God's grace, life in recovery has been very good to me.

However, at that time, one looming thing remained…

The girlfriend I had visited never knew about the original girlfriend. None of it. And I sure wasn't planning to tell her. Although she understandably didn't want to date me anymore (go figure!), she was willing to remain friends. I selfishly didn't want to jeopardize that by disclosing about the other girl. Long story short, the other girl ended up getting involved and she told the newer girlfriend e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I was upset at first, but then I realized she did me a favor – she forced my hand to be accountable. I was being selfish trying to still hide some deep, dark secrets, but that simply wouldn't do – as long as I did that, I left a small refuge for my scheming addictive nature to lurk in. So, that all was actually a blessing. Over time, the newer girlfriend accepted my amends (but we have no contact at her request). The original girlfriend has clearly not accepted my amends, but that's her choice.

Now, I'm back today in similar straits again… That old girlfriend is still on her quest to make sure that all women of the world know about my deplorable past, so I wanted to share some of my story openly here. Yes, there are admittedly many details I've left out, and certainly some things said in her posts that I have chosen not to address or acknowledge. And that's appropriate for now. This is answer enough for the time being.

One final thing. It's all a matter of public record, but I wish to acknowledge here & now that I do have 3 DUIs total. I have paid my debt to society for those, and they are now part of my past. I am truly grateful that I didn't hurt anyone when I was drinking & driving the thousands of times I did it. I realize that's shocking and inexcusable to most of you out there – and fully understandably so. "How could you?!?", you may ask. Please don't make the mistake of trying to "figure out" or otherwise attempt to make any sense of the choices an addict makes – it simply can't be done. My only concern was feeding my addiction & ego – that controlled everything I did and thought, and none of that can be satisfactorily rationalized. It's yet another cruel twist of the disease…

Perhaps I truly am a bad person at my core. Maybe that "active-alcoholic me" is indeed the "real me", and that's who I truly am. Perhaps I only enjoy a respite from being that rotten seed by staying active in recovery. I don't know the answers to all that, but I do know this: ongoing sincere and rigorous dedication to the 12 Steps of AA, and having a personal & real relationship with God as I understand Him are THE keys to me being that good and decent man. As long as I hold those things near & dear to me, I know I will humbly succeed in all areas of life. Sobriety is – and always must be - the #1 priority in my life; if I lose that, everything else will crumble in very short order. Wondering who I "really" am is completely unimportant when I well know what it is required of me to be a good man. That's what matters – and, by God's grace, that path is clear to me today.

I may still make some mistakes as I proceed, but I'm on my way. See you out there!

A work in progress - always & forever...

EDIT: I have enabled "comment moderation" because I will not allow responses (which have been attempted) from that certain individual. She is malevolent; in my presence, I will not tolerate her unreasonable instigation here, or at any other time. All others are certainly welcome to comment; thank you for your understanding.
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Now playing: U2 - grace

Retirement

2009-01-23T16:52:00.004-06:00

I've decided to stop posting to this blog, and will now search for a new writing outlet. I'm not sure what that will be yet, but I'll figure it out over time...

This blog has been a wonderful refuge & release for my thoughts during a challenging and transformative period in my life, but it feels right to move on from here to something new at this point.

Thank you to all of my readers for your support and wonderful comments - I will try to keep you posted of what evolves next. You can always find me on email and FB in the meantime.

Take care & live well!
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Now playing: the sundays - good bye

New year updates

2009-01-10T18:29:00.005-06:00

I apologize to my readers - I've not been a faithful blogger of late!

It's been a fantastic Holiday season, and wonderful start to the new year. Hosting Christmas Eve for my family went great - we all had a good time together catching up and celebrating Christmas. As usual, our traditional Evil Thievin' Game provided many laughs. A good time was had by all :) If you're on Facebook, look me up; I've put a few pics there from the evening.

Christmas weekend, I met up with my brother Shaun & his family for some skiing & snowboarding. We met up in Duluth, and then caravaned to The Porkies in Michigan's U.P. Again, a grand time had by all - I snowboarded all day Saturday, and then returned to The Cities on Sunday, but the conditions on Saturday were awesome. Nice temps (high 20s, no wind) and the snow was in great shape. I think I'll start making The Porkies an annual trip - I really enjoy it there!

New Year's Eve was a quiet one - I was still behind on sleep from the previous week/weekend. I fell asleep on my couch well before 10 pm. Pretty lame, I know, but it's all good.

The new job is working out very well - I'm getting settled in, and I'm very much enjoying it so far! A nice bonus is that I've been issued a work laptop and full capability to work remotely, so I'll be able to take advantage of that a couple days a week once I'm fully up & running. The extra pay isn't bad either ;)

I've been reuniting with more & more old friends (grade school, high school, USAF, others) via Facebook - that's a true blessing. I'm a happy camper! We had a grade school mini-reunion just prior to Christmas, and it was a hoot! It's been a lot of fun to catch up with folks. Hit me up if you are on it.

The new house is still working out just fine - the squirrel makes an occasional appearance when it's warmer out, but he's been otherwise quiet.

I broke down and bought a treadmill recently for wintertime running. I am a complete & utter wimp with cold-weather running, and I just couldn't take it any more. The treadmill is allowing me to get back on my desired training regimen, so I'm excited about that.

I'm reading C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity now, and I'm finding it very engaging. I'm a born & raised Catholic, and still consider myself that, but I've long struggled with the dogma of the Catholic Church as an institution. There's much about it that I have issues with. In my recovery, I've rediscovered a wonderful new spirituality and have (what I consider to be) a genuine & personal relationship with God, but I haven't yet tied that back into my Catholic faith, which has been a bit frustrating. I don't let that frustration take away from my relationship with God, but I'd eventually like to tie my spirituality back in with religion. I'm not there yet, but Mere Christianity is helping me to start bridging some of those gaps - a back-to-basics approach, if you will. So far, so good. Just as with my recovery, the keys to my ongoing spiritual development are Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness.

Life is good these days - really good. I have much to be thankful for! I hope your new year is also off to a great start!
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Now playing: massive attack - what your soul sings

Oh yeah, my blog...

2008-12-21T14:04:00.006-06:00

I've been off the bloggin' train lately. No particular reason, just haven't been up to it.

Like all of you out there in Bloggersphere, I'm having a busy time of year. Updates follow in no particular order...

I'll be hosting Christmas Eve for my family at my new (I still call it "new", ha!) house. I think it will be great - everyone is planning to at least make an appearance, so it'll be wonderful to see all of the gang. It's been quite a while since we've all been together.

I'm excited for my new job to start in a week. For several reasons, I know it's going to be busy right from the start, but that's how I like it - nothing like jumping right in.

I've had a falling out with Verizon, and have finally jumped on the iPhone bandwagon. Wow - this thing may very well be The. Coolest. Thing. Ever. I've been waiting for the iPhone to go 3G and be opened up to 3rd-party apps, and Apple definitely has a winner with this thing. AT&T's coverage quality here isn't as impressive as Verizon's, but it is most definitely good enough. One of my favorite apps thus far is from good ol' MPR - all three stations seamlessly streamed? Sweeeet.

My new pet peeve is folks who disregard the Snow Emergency parking rules. C'mon, people - it's not rocket science to figure out where to park. To the juliet alpha with the POS Kia who parked in exactly the right spot to maximize plow overflow spewage into my front walk: Thanks for nothing. Next time I'm shoveling all of that snow on top of your car.

I'm heading back to The Porkies next weekend to meet my brother and his family there. I'm excited - the weather sounds like it will cooperate. I'm sure it will be a blast. Note to self: wax the board.

My recent reads include "Pride and Prejudice" and Irving's "The Fourth Hand". I'm a big Irving fan, and hadn't read that one in a while. I hadn't read P&P since high-school, and I enjoyed it much more this time around. Fantastic story. Next is more C.S. Lewis (thanks R!) with "Mere Christianity". I finished Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters" a while back, and was completely smitten with it. If you've never read it, it's well worth your time. It's a new all-time fave of mine...

I have so much to be thankful for this Holiday season - a loving & supportive family, wonderful friends near & far, a very promising new job, a cozy home of my own, a dependable car, and - most importantly - my sobriety. When I think back to what a complete mess I was just 3 short years ago, none of these things that I enjoy today seemed possible or within reach. By God's grace, sobriety has given my life back to me, and I'm determined to humbly make the most of it, taking nothing for granted. I know this is just the beginning of great new things for me, and I am ever grateful for this second chance at life.

Stay warm, park smart ;), and have a very Merry Christmas and Holiday season!
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Now playing: chuck berry - run rudolph run

Grateful

2008-11-28T19:35:00.004-06:00

I was hired for the training job I've been after, so I am a happy camper! As the interview process went on (and on and on!), I was pleasantly surprised to make it to each new level, and I finally was presented with the offer. What a blessing - I think this will be a great fit for me, and I'm very much looking forward to getting started. This job was been freed up from our current hiring freeze, and I'll be starting after Christmas.

I came very close to not applying for this job at all, because I didn't think I had enough Bank experience for it. But experience is a relative thing - my lack of experience with The Bank is rather unimportant compared to the wealth of experience I have from the USAF as an instructor and training program developer. Those strengths are what got this job for me, and I'm very grateful!

When I first started submitted my app for this job, I blogged about a former mentor's quote: If you never ask the question, the answer is always 'No'. Indeed! As the interview process progressed, I believed more & more that this was a good fit for me, and I fought hard to get it. I'm very happy that it worked out - I'm excited to join this new team!
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Now playing: st etienne - join our club

Things I learned today:

2008-11-20T18:16:00.010-06:00

1.) ALWAYS check to make sure power is removed/unplugged before you touch an electrical circuit. Fortunately, my socket wrench & the thermal fuse took the brunt of that volt attack.

2.) Apparently, simply taping together electrical connections that routinely see 20+ amp flow is not a good idea. The repair man gave me a ...errr... I'll call it a disappointed look when he saw my handiwork with that. He was a great guy though, and I appreciate that he was willing to nicely explain some basic electrical stuff to me.

3.) My plain-jane dryer is a time-tested, well-respected, and extremely durable Kenmore-branded Whirlpool model (it's been through a lot!). But Energy Star compliant, it ain't. During parts of its cycle, it draws as much power as my central air conditioning unit. Yikes.

4.) Calling in a pro may hurt the ol' pride and pocketbook a little bit, but peace of mind is priceless ;)
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Now playing: peter gabriel - shock the monkey

Good day!

2008-11-19T16:34:00.008-06:00

Whew - I made it through everything today fine!

My webinar presentation (for my interview) went very well, IMHO. It was well received, so that's encouraging. If I make the cut as one of the final two contestants, I will have to do one more interview with a boss higher up the chain, but I won't know either way until next week. I'm just happy today's presentation went well; this has been a most educational & helpful interviewing experience so far. What happens next is in God's hands...

The tree is finally GONE! Wow - there is a lot of sawdust all over my yard. And my neighbor's yard. Oh well, better some sawdust than a busted dead tree smashing through their roof ;)

The dentist appointment also went well - no repair work there needed at this time. Woot!

Tomorrow, the dryer repair guru comes. Hopefully that goes well too!

I'm looking forward to some time off now to clean up the yard, and get some stuff done around the house. Nice!
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Now playing: new order - world in motion

Thug squirrel pic

2008-11-15T13:06:00.011-06:00

Yes, that is pepperoni pizza he's eating. Apparently, he's evolved up from simple acorns, to tortillas, and now pizza. He's getting crazy fat these days. Winter's a-comin'!
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Now playing: the dust bros - stealing fat

Busy week

2008-11-15T10:10:00.011-06:00

...but a great week.

Next Weds, I have the final interview for the training development job I'm pursuing. I have to create and present a topic via webinar. It will be challenging since I don't use those collaboration software tools in my current job. I'm excited though - I'm confident that I will do well (as long as the software cooperates!) We are still on a hiring freeze, and it could well be that this job opportunity gets yanked at some point due to all of that, but this is all still welcome experience for me - I'll take what I can get!

I've been blessed to have another experience this week that has renewed & refreshed my outlook on relationships. This particular experience would be difficult to capture in a blog post, so I won't tackle that... I'll just say that it's beautiful to have an affirming, kind, and mutually respectful relationship where the give-and-take between each other is genuinely beneficial and equal in reward.

I suppose that doesn't seem like a lot to ask or expect (from either friends or potential significant others), but it seems so hard to find these days!

We are at different stages of our lives in many areas, and primarily because of those things, we had agreed up front what the expectations were. Our friendship began not out of the potential to 'get together', but instead to simply to be kind and affirming to one another at a time when we both needed it (and who doesn't? :) Everything was plainly out on the table from the start, with no pretense or posturing whatsoever. How refreshing that is!

It's amazing how quickly you can truly get to know someone when the silly fluff, wasteful posturing, and dodgy gamesmanship of mainstream gettin'-to-know-ya is bypassed. It's easy to get stuck or lost in those things and either not even realize it, or convince yourself that you are somehow further along (been there, done that!)

Our brief correspondence has evolved over the week to different level (hard to explain), and we won't communicate as much going forward now, and that's both OK and appropriate. This experience has been a valuable re-centering for me, and I am blessed and grateful for it.

I will certainly approach future relationship opportunities in a new manner!

A work in progress...
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Now playing: beck - where it's at

Happy Veteran's Day

2008-11-10T20:39:00.007-06:00

... to all my uniform-wearin' bros and sisses out there (past & present). Thank you for your service to our great nation!
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Now playing: dos gringos - the legend of shaved dog's ass

Laziest. Weekend. Ever.

2008-11-09T12:01:00.012-06:00

And I'm lovin' it.

I do miss last weekend's lovely weather though - this is quite a change! What I dislike most about wintertime running is trying to figure out how to dress for it. I own a respectable spectrum of cold-weather training gear, but it's hard to know what the right combo is on any given day. Meh, if that's my biggest gripe right now, I'm doing OK ;)

Thug Squirrel and his posse must be getting holed up for the winter. Yesterday, he apparently found a stash of tortillas in the neighbor's trash. He came running across the street 3 times with a big 10" tortilla in his mouth. It was funny to watch, because he couldn't run well or even see with it - he kept tripping over it dashing across the street, and then he twice bonked into my handrail trying to run up my front steps (he always takes the steps when invading my yard - it's rather strange!). But he wasn't letting go of them for anything. On his last trip, I chased him around the front yard a little bit just to hassle him, and he would not drop that thing despite being in a panic. Crazy squirrel.

I now have a date set for the tree coming down, so that'll be good to have done. I'm hoping it's a little warmer that week - I've taken a couple of days off work to do one final yard cleanup & gutter clearing after the tree is gone.

I fully resigned my USAF commission this week, and I am now 100% out of the military - no more oddball 'Reserve' status or anything like that. Although I was never really worried about getting called back up for anything, it's certainly a nice feeling to have all of those cords finally cut for good!

No news on any job stuff, but I don't expect to have any soon. Across the board, we are on a hiring freeze right now (lots of reasons), so I think I'll stay where I'm at for the foreseeable future. And that's fine - I'll just continue to keep my eyes open for opportunities.

Stay warm!
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Now playing: social distortion - cold feelings

Yikes

2008-11-05T19:32:00.006-06:00

This is a bummer of a run. I'll keep my run-related whining in check now...

Tonight was a great run - it's gorgeous out!
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Now playing: moby - flying foxes

Vote. But vote smart.

2008-11-03T19:50:00.009-06:00

OK, one political post and then I'm done.

We are a nation at war. We are a nation facing our lowest levels of international confidence and support. We are a nation facing wide and deep domestic crises wreaking damages unseen for generations.

None of these things are insurmountable for our great nation if swift and decisive corrective actions are taken.

So please don't be stuck on stupid with your priorities going into the booth tomorrow. I got news for y'all: McCain's priority ain't gonna be overturning Roe Vs Wade. And Obama's priority ain't gonna be gay marriage.

Our next president and congressional leaders have urgent & looming challenges to address. And they're big ones. Bigger than most of us have ever seen in our lives.

I don't care who you vote for tomorrow. Just please vote smart - pick the right people for the right reasons.
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Now playing: kid rock - american bad ass

Life in the trenches

2008-11-02T16:03:00.006-06:00

Over this weekend, my department at work moved to a new building. I went in this afternoon for a couple of hours to help set up my area. I like the new location! I've got a bigger cube, a huge window view (woot!), and a fancy new Aeron chair (comfy!).

The new digs really are very nice - it's a big improvement over our old location. No skimps by the brass with regard to setting it up well.

However, I'm starting to get that itch to move on to new challenges. Realistically, that may not be likely for another year or so (just a matter of establishing more experience), but I've been tweaking my resume, and I'm starting to send in apps to see what nibbles I get.

Fully understanding that my specific experience level with this company is the long pole in the tent for me, I'd be happy to just get some interviews under my belt for now. I learn so much from each interview I do, and each one helps me prepare more and be stronger for the next. So far, so good - I've got a phone interview this week for the first app I sent in. As part of the phone interview, I had to answer a comprehensive pre-interview questionnaire. Those too are hugely beneficial - it asked some great questions, and I'm glad to be challenged with thinking about those types of things once again. Putting that hat on helps me give due attention the ever looming "Am I on the right path to get to where I want to be?" question.

Of course, I will be thrilled if any of my current & future apps turn into an offer here in the near future, and who knows... Stranger things have happened! As a wise mentor once told me: The answer is always 'No' if you never ask the question.

Another gorgeous day here - it's been a wonderful weekend of running & mountain biking for me, and I'm grateful for it.
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Now playing: marty & elayne - staying alive

I say bollocks to "Endless Summer"...

2008-11-01T22:04:00.003-05:00

... gimme "Endless Fall"!

This weather is effin' amazing! Great day today - much has been accomplished. I'm a happy camper. And I beat the onset of my cold - I was going to be one sad monkey if I wasn't 100% over this gorgeous weekend.

I'll post up more in the next day or two. Don't forget to fall back tonight!
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Now playing: the smiths - how soon is now

Must sleep...

2008-10-29T20:36:00.003-05:00

I feel a fall cold starting to get its claws in me today, so I'm about to go to bed. Usually, if I can load up on vitamin C and get a good night's rest, I can fend it off early. Wish me luck!

Otherwise, it's been a good week - quiet, but good. I'll end this recent boring/bummer blogpost streak here soon, I promise! A busy weekend is coming up, and I'm looking forward to it...

I hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather - there may not be much more!
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Now playing: opus III - stars in my pocket

Clarification

2008-10-26T20:51:00.012-05:00

Regarding my previous post -

I'm aware that parts and the whole of it are all quite vague. That is intentional. Those who know, will know. For the rest of y'all, more explanation may perhaps be a story for another time & place, but not here...

Sometimes, it helps me to write my way through something in order to arrive at my own resolution. That post was one of those times. It wasn't intended to paint a perfectly clear picture.

So, thanks for your patience - I'll return to more benign topics like evil squirrels, running blather, and whining about my gimp tree soon enough! I'm sure you are all on the edges of your seats in anticipation ;-)

Have a great start to the week!
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Now playing: soul asylum - spinnin'

Karma, Reality, and Forward Progress

2008-10-24T17:12:00.038-05:00

It appears that the circumstances surrounding a certain recent situation are indeed what I had suspected all along.

Or are they? A wise & crusty boss once told me, "Hydro, reality ain't shit. Perception is everything."

With that in mind, I am perhaps jumping to conclusions about this particular thing, but I doubt it. The funny part of it all is this: none of the "what really happened?" is actually important.

Or, rather, all of it is only as important as I choose to make it.

Was I played for a fool?
Was I an unwitting chump the entire time?
Am I ...*gasp*... a victim?!?

So, let's say for a moment that all of what I suspect is true... I could rack it all up to karma. Unarguably, I then finally got something I had coming from an universal justice point-of-view!

The problem with that viewpoint is that it still paints me as a victim.

But, wait - I'm innocent here!
I didn't do anything wrong!
I'm allowed to be upset about this (if it's true!) - surely then, such feelings are justified!

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Such stinkin' thinkin' is a very slippery slope - it ain't a good or healthy place to wallow around in. I should know better, so...

Why is it that - all too often - our first instinct when feeling hurt is to somehow hurt back? Or at least get acknowledgment that we feel hurt (as we sit around on our pity-pots)?

I'm annoyed with myself for that crap still being a typical initial reaction...

The truth of this particular matter is: The reality is wholly unimportant to my own forward progress. The perceptions are created entirely in my own head, and I fully control them.

If I choose to mope and feel hurt, then I have absolutely no one to blame but myself.

And I am not innocent. I did plenty of things wrong which led to what happened...

I should have listened to my gut more instead of dismissing those somethin'-ain't-quite-right-here feelings as insecure paranoia.
I should have spoken up when I had genuine concerns.
Should I have trusted less, or been more suspicious? No, not that at all! I simply should have assumed less, excused less, and rationalized less.

I chose to lower my expectations & standards in a misguided effort to be more accommodating and not rock the boat.

I should have remained true to myself, and not accepted those compromises.

God willing, these aren't mistakes I will make again in the future. If I choose to see myself as a victim, then I have only my own poor decisions to blame for it.

I am grateful for the opportunity to become a stronger, wiser, and more confident person as a result of the whole experience, so no regrets!

I move forward one step at a time. And I am smiling ;-)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: foo fighters - this is a call

Quick update

2008-10-21T19:27:00.004-05:00

Squirrels:
Relatively quiet lately. They seem to be finished terrorizing the corn-stalk thing, and it's still standing tall. The paranoid in me wonders if they are quietly massing for some kind of new attack. Pretty soon, they'll have one less tree to heckle from & hide out in - and that's a good segue to...

"The Tree":
Final detailed estimate is in, and it's even 50% more than the original scary estimate. I had another estimate done, and it was similar. That's going to hurt the ol' pocketbook (or in this case, credit card!). Hurt a lot. But, it needs to be done - I'll tighten my belt a little bit, adjust the budget, and it'll all be fine eventually. Please pray that God doesn't decide to take the tree down before the tree service folks have a chance to!

Hair:
I can't resist anymore. I'm going to start growing it out again. I may just keep it extremely short & stubbly, but I'm curious to see my hair again. We'll see how it goes...

Stay warm!
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Now playing: louis armstrong - i was doing all right

Bummed

2008-10-16T20:08:00.008-05:00

My running has been a mixed bag since the marathon. I'm now just running every other day, and ~4-5 miles per go. My paces overall have been great, but the runs themselves have been a struggle for the most part. I feel like I'm fighting through them too much. I think it's mostly due to getting my nose, throat, and lungs conditioned to the colder air. And now that the TCM is done, there's just a certain level of psych that's missing as I go into the winter season. I'm confident it'll come together again; it's just a bit frustrating in the meantime. I'm blessed to have my health, and reflecting on that does gives me strength and cheer.

And I'm bummed that I'll (most likely) need to remove the big ol' ash tree in my backyard. After consulting at length with the arborist about it, I think that's the best thing to do. Unfortunately, it's also the most expensive solution (and, wow, it's expensive!). But even with any cheaper band-aid fixes now, it would just be a matter of time before I would need to take it down - that main trunk split is killing the tree and catastrophic structural failure is just a question of when, and not if.

I'm waiting on a more detailed estimate once the arborist's take-'er-down guru stops by to make an assessment. It's most like going to involve a large crane (numerous reasons pointing toward that being the best & safest solution). Oy. Oh well, I was planning to plant a couple of fruit trees out front this spring anyway, and now it looks like I'll be planting a nice shade tree in back too.

Many thanks to my good friends Matt & Todd for their suggestions on a follow-on tree. A couple of wiseacres, youz guys...

Ah, feeling less bummed already - it's nice to vent a bit. Thanks for putting up with it.

~~~ Squirrel update ~~~

I think the thug squirrels have done what damage they are going to do to my corn-stalk thing and a few other decorations I have up (nothing edible left). The corn-stalk thing still looks fine overall, so I think we're in good shape. Some other smaller corn decorations are a total loss, but that was to be expected. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did, actually.

When I came home from work yesterday, there was a big pile of some shredded corn-stalk debris piled up smack-dab in the middle of my side-door mat -- as in, "Yeah, me & my pals really dig that corn-stalk thing. Instead of just pooping on your mat, I thought I'd rub it in your face that I own that thing, sucka!!" Hmmm...

...When you least expect it, squirrel. I got your number.
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Now playing: the soggy bottom boys - i am a man of constant sorrow

Squirrel attack!

2008-10-13T20:48:00.005-05:00

My brother and sister-in-law were kind enough to load me up with all sorts of goodies on my recent trip up to The Farm. Thanks M & J! And huge thanks to my sis M for hooking me up earlier in the day with a bunch of hastas for around the homestead. From the Farm, I scored a bunch of flower seeds for next spring, some gorgeous fresh garden veggies, some beautiful pumpkins from their patch, and a very lovely corn-stalk decoration for standing up outside of my front door.

Nemesis squirrel and his pals are having a field day with that corn-stalk thing. There were bits & pieces of it all over my front yard today when I came back from work. It's still looking fine overall (impressive work on the solid build, J!), but it's not going to handle many more onslaughts like that. Hopefully, the squirrels got their fill of whatever they were after in there, but who knows. And they are still tearing the hell up out of all my grass, but I've given up on caring about that (for this season, anyway).

As much as I'd love to feed those bushy-tailed rats a tasty poisoned corn Halloween treat, I know there would just be plenty more to replace 'em. So, I'm not quite sure what my next move will be.

I'll come up with something...
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Now playing: nancy sinatra - these boots

Tree Doc appointment

2008-10-13T20:24:00.006-05:00

I have a large, mature tree in my backyard that somehow developed an ugly main-trunk split. I'm not sure how old the split is, nor is it clear what originally caused it, but if that less-stable half goes, it's going to wreak major damage on my neighbor's house. That would not be good.

Although my brother-in-law was confident that I could do the needed cabling/bracing work myself, I decided to roll in the pros after reading some eye-opening DITY horror stories on the internet. The consensus was quite overwhelming that such a job (at least on a mature tree) is not a task for the average DITYer.

So, I have an appointment set up for Weds with a certified arborist to take a look at it. Maybe they can cable it, or maybe they will need to cut something down. We'll see. But, I'm definitely happy that the situation will get addressed. I'm sure it ain't gonna be cheap, but as they say, "You can't put a price on peace of mind". Or something like that. le sigh

I'll let y'all know what The Tree Whisperer has to say on Weds...
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Now playing: electronic - tighten up

Facebook - part II

2008-10-11T10:15:00.005-05:00

I am now liking Facebook - I've been able to connect with friends from high school, college, my USAF days, and beyond. It's proving to be a nice complement to this blog in terms of staying updated & connected. I'm still learning my way around it, but I certainly enjoy making the connections that I am. Good stuff!

Feel free to come on by if you're out there (link over on the right somewhere)...
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Now playing: the white stripes - we're going to be friends

Rainy Tuesday

2008-10-07T19:08:00.004-05:00

Quiet couple of days here post-marathon... Still feeling great overall - I'm very happy that both knees, my noodley left ankle, and my uppity right achilles tendon are all doing fine. I haven't run since Sunday, but I'll go for a jog tomorrow. When it dries up more later this week, I'm planning to get some nighttime mountain biking in.

I put up some insulation patches here-and-there up along the foundation in my basement tonight. It certainly ain't much to look at, but I think it worked out pretty well and I'm hoping it'll help this winter. In hindsight, I suppose I should've used one of those surgical mask things, but I like to live dangerously ;-)

I had planned to start letting my hair grow back out (just for grins), but I've gotten good feedback on the baldness in response, so I'm going to stick with it. Well, until the next urge, anyway. It's nice to still have the option, no doubt about that!

Nothing to report with the ongoing squirrel feud. Weather permitting, I'm going to be doing a bunch of flower replanting this weekend, so we'll see how well he tolerates that...
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Now playing: kris kross - warm it up kris

Twin Cities Marathon '08 - "Complete"

2008-10-05T14:33:00.070-05:00

What a morning!

The marathon ended up going very well - I'm happy to say that I exceeded my personal goals, and I'm also very happy to report that I feel fantastic right now. Even after choosing to walk 14 blocks for part of the way back home after the race. No injuries, and no worrisome aches or pains - above all else, I'm most grateful for that!

The marathon start was arguably perfect weather - overcast and cool. I started off with a throw-away cotton long-sleeve shirt that I tossed after a few miles once I was somewhere close my desired first-half pace. Shortly after that, the hard rain and wind started. It got f'ing cold. Really cold. I think that was perhaps the coldest I've ever been in my life...

The rain & wind was worst when I was in The Lakes section of the course, and it was just plain brutal. I definitely considered stopping altogether more than once. To be honest, the thing that kept me going was feeling that if I stopped, I dreaded that I would literally go into hypothermic shock, so I just kept going out of pure naked fear more than any other motivation. Other than the I'm-so-freakin-cold-my-bare-skin-feels-like-it's-burning sensation, I couldn't feel a thing anywhere on my body, so I had no idea if my knees were coming apart or not; I just knew I must keep moving...

I had to pee almost right from the start of the race, but I didn't dare stop to do that or anything else, primarily because I had zero confidence that my icy legs would agree to giddyup & go again. I passed up numerous water stops & nice folks trying to give me a High-5 because I could not move my fingers out from a fist. And forget trying to have an energy gel - I never did regain the dexterity to open one of those things.

Finally, about halfway through, the rain let up. And the gaggle was thin enough that I could start attacking in earnest. Once I warmed up enough to get a feel for how my body was holding up overall, I began my push...

Since my recent knee issue prevented me from getting in any long-distance training runs (18+), I was leery of how aggressive to get ramping it up. I know now that I didn't push as full-out as I could've, but hindsight is 20/20 ;-)

My 'chip time' is 3:45:14, so I'm thrilled with that. Trying to be fancy, I dorked up hacking my watch at the start, so I thought my time was around 3:55 as I neared the finish. Had I known that I was so close to sub-3:45, I definitely would've rallied to get under it, but I'm certainly not complaining!

A ginormous "Thanks!" to family & friends who braved that hideous weather to come out and cheer me on - you all ROCK! You guys & gals are unbelievable - I can't express how grateful I am that you were there - thank you!

EDIT: Funniest t-shirt award goes to the dude who wrote I HAVE TO POOP across the back of his shirt. That's a distance-running thing, so it may not be humorous to some of you. But it was funny. Trust me.

A few pictures here
----------------
Now playing: blur - song #2

Getting excited!

2008-10-01T20:22:00.007-05:00

Found someone else at work who is doing the marathon, so that's neat. She's looking to run similar times to me, so if we both survive the TCM, perhaps we'll do some runs together next season. I don't mind training solo, but having any level of mutual support is definitely a good thing!

And on that note, I've recently joined a local running club (I know - nice timing, right? Just in time for winter!); I'm looking forward to participating in group runs and training opportunities with them next season.

Quiet this week - just have been doing 3-mile jogs every other day. I think I'll pick up my race packet Friday night, and then do the last couple of miles of the course on Saturday.

As long as it's a nice day, I'll also knock out some more yard work on Saturday, and then it'll be time to chow pasta and get to bed early.
----------------
Now playing: social distortion - no pain, no gain

I heart public radio

2008-09-29T21:38:00.006-05:00

I became a sustaining member of MPR a while back, and I've decided to also become a sustaining member of Jazz 88. I listen to it all the time now since moving to the new pad (better reception here!) - it's what's on most of time in my house. Great stuff.

We are very fortunate to have the 3 excellent MPR stations and Jazz 88 here in the Twin Towns.

Support public radio!
----------------
Now playing: duke ellington & john coltrane - in a sentimental mood

Lazy Sunday

2008-09-28T18:52:00.003-05:00

Had planned to run the last part of the TCM course today, but ended up not doing it. I'll do it some evening this week instead. I've decided to do some nice-n-easy evening runs this week, and use that extra hour of sleep in the morning to ensure I stay well-rested.

However, today was a very productive day - I finally finished hanging the last of my pictures & art. My one remaining project was to hang pictures in the front "hallway" I created using my freestanding bookshelf. It's a mishmash of photos and some art, all in different frames and just randomly hung along the wall. I think it turned out pretty well. Trying to take a picture of it wouldn't really work, but you can decide for yourself if you see it sometime.

It's definitely nice to finally have everything inside the house finally in its place.

Great dinner last night with some family. Good times had by all - thanks for hosting, Mom!

Yesterday's GPS Rundown:
Nokomis Loop mod
6.14 miles / 48:57 time / 7:58 pace
----------------
Now playing: the cranberries - sunday

TGIF indeed

2008-09-26T21:48:00.002-05:00

Looking forward to a great weekend!

GPS Rundown:
Lake Nokomis plus
7.03 miles / 54:36 time / 7:46 pace
----------------
Now playing: fiona apple - pale september

Me vs Squirrel

2008-09-25T20:28:00.007-05:00

Exterior caulking shenanigans are complete. Well, as much as I'm going to do this season anyway. Outside of ongoing yard & The Gardens cleanup, the last remaining sorta big job left to do this fall is to better winterize the basement. It's actually fine now, but I'd like to beef it up where it makes sense to do it. So, a little insulation and pipe-wrap here & there, and maybe putting on a hot-water heater blanket/wrap/cozy or whatever they are called.

There's a squirrel who thinks the yard is his (hers?), and he hasn't been a happy camper ever since I've moved in. We have some good stare-down contests, and when I'm around the yard too much when he has stuff to do (which typically consists of digging far-larger-than-necessary holes all over the yard), he likes to sit on the roof or low in my backyard tree and bark out his displeasure with my presence. He pooped right in the middle of my brand-new doormat when I first moved in (caught him doing that), and he regularly pees in the middle of my walkways and on my stairs when he knows I'm around & I'll notice. There's no other explanation for those sudden little puddles.

So. Yeah. That little punk is on my list. One of these days...

GPS Rundown:
No GPS today (on purpose). No goals, no objectives - just went out for a run.
----------------
Now playing: echo and the bunnymen - the killing moon

Hump Day

2008-09-24T21:30:00.014-05:00

Knee is still all good. Had lunch with one of my brothers today. It's always great to catch up with him; I really enjoy our lunch get-togethers downtown. He asked how the marathon prep was going (he's done several himself) - when I told him that I was considering doing a big-mileage run this weekend to test out the knee, he wisely steered me away from that idea. Sometimes, we just need that simple sanity check from someone else to know the right course of action to take. Thanks for the vector, big bro!

My plan is to keep on with my ~5 mile morning runs through next week (I enjoy them - Lake Nokomis is uniquely peaceful at that early hour), and to run the last part of the marathon course this weekend. From his own TCM experiences, my brother had some excellent insight on how that last stretch of the course is going to feel at various points. Good stuff!

Other than that, I've been doing some exterior caulking on the house (around the window & door frames, the basement block-windows, etc). A few more exterior things to take care of before the cold & dark of fall sets in, but I should be able to get the big-picture stuff accomplished.

Today's "Doh!" new homeowner lesson: Caulk guns do not have an off switch, so set it down in between beads - continuing to grip it will inevitably just ooze more out. And, overall, they require a much lighter touch than one may first imagine. Ugh.

GPS Rundown:
Lake Nokomis loop mod
5.05 miles / 39:45 time / 7:52 pace
----------------
Now playing: pilooski - take care of business (nina simone)

Quick update

2008-09-23T23:08:00.003-05:00

Forgot to post yesterday, and lost the run data. Ugh. Knee still is feeling great, so I'm grateful for that. Otherwise, not much to report so far this week. Storm passed by and the house is still standing, so that's a good thing.

GPS Rundown:
Lake Nokomis loop mod
5.07 miles / 40:02 time / 7:54 pace
----------------
Now playing: the smiths - there is a light that never goes out

He's alive!

2008-09-21T19:48:00.007-05:00

Where to start?... It's been a while!

The knee feels good lately. No running there for a while because of it, but this past week, I've started to run a bit again. Lots of ice and a steady diet of Aleve has certainly helped. I did 10 miles today, and everything felt great. Barring a re-injury (fingers crossed!), I'm now back at the point of definitely planning to start the TCM. I'll up the daily mileage this week, and go for one last long run this coming weekend to test those waters.

The house is looking purty sweet. I'm trying to clear out the yard and what I like to call The Gardens (ha!) before the cold weather rolls in. Lots of little maples and elms were growing in The Gardens, all along the fence lines, and too near the house foundation. Those all had to go. What I couldn't dig up (which wasn't much - even the teeny ones have roots from hell), I just had to cut back & down. PITA. So, although I got a lot of clearing out done this weekend, I still have plenty more to do. Next on the list is some serious weeding, and then transplanting some ferns and hostas to better places around the homestead. The rest of the exterior plans will then have to wait until next year.

People have been bugging me for pics of the new casa, so I'll try to get some posted in the near future.

To my dear family and good friends - be on the lookout for an email soon with my updated contact info. I'll give y'all my new mailing address, and a new primary email address that I'm starting to use. I'll get that email out this week.

Otherwise, life is good. It's nice to have the whole "settling into the new house" scene finally down to a dull roar. For the past month, I've been eating, sleeping, and breathing new house. I'm looking forward to some great fall mountain biking (yay for night riding!), and just getting back out there in general ;-)

GPS Rundown:
Minnehaha variation
10.04 miles / 1:21:29 time / 8:07 pace
----------------
Now playing: joe venuti & eddie lang - goin' places

Sunday's spin

2008-09-07T21:29:00.008-05:00

No run yesterday - just didn't work out with some other things going on, so I went for a big run today. My last longish run was August 16th, but I've had a strong past week of running, so I figured I was ready to go large. In hindsight, maybe not a good idea given the circumstances. I wasn't quite as well rested as I usually am for big runs, and I didn't prepare very well with a good carbo dinner the night prior, nor did I front-load my hydration as well as I normally do.

I ended up with a left knee that's killin' me right now - I'm almost certain it's not in the joint, and doesn't really feel like a tendon issue, but something down there is not happy about today's run. I'm going to ice it more tonight, pop a couple more Bayer, and get a good night's rest. Also, I'm right now hydrating practically to the point of my eyes watering - I feel like my earlier lack of proper hydration has a lot to do with my feeling ass-kicked right now. And what's up with that? The infamous Hydro seems to be losing his edge! ;-) Lesson learned, and I'll definitely be better about it from now on. I think I've just gotten lazier about hydrating properly because of the cooler weather and I'm not sweating as much - but I know that being properly hydrated isn't all about replacing the sweat, and today was a great reminder of that.

Other than my gimpy knee inducing pained grimaces & hissed cuss words that resulted in other folks out on The Lakes' trails to go wide around me and nervously avoid eye contact, the run went quite well; I was happily surprised with how the pace turned out. No stops today, and I'm proud of that too.

No run tomorrow for sure; I'm on hold right now until I see how this knee issue turns out.

GPS Rundown:
Chain of Lakes variation
18.02 miles / 2:32:24 time / 8:27 pace
----------------
Now playing: jane's addiction - price i pay

It's Friday?

2008-09-05T16:48:00.003-05:00

That's the crazy thing about time off work - days just start running together. Spent some time on the outside of the house today. I mowed and cleaned out the gutters. It's been at least a month since the yard was mowed, so that was quite a bit to chew through. And I'm very glad I did the gutters - they were completely filled with dirt, debris, and even baby trees. And I took down that stupid satellite dish that was on my roof. I left only the base of it on (since it may just damage the roof to attempt removing it now), but it's great to have that worthless eyesore gone.

Tonight, I'll start putting the living room together. All of the painting turned out really well; I'm very happy with it.

Good run today. I had some pent-up energy I worked out during the run - felt good.

GPS Rundown:
Nokomis loop variation
6.90 miles / 53:39 time / 7:46 pace
----------------
Now playing: sonic youth - one hundred percent

Thursday's thrash

2008-09-04T16:05:00.003-05:00

I've been running late mornings or early afternoons this week (that works well with the painting schedule), and will transition back to early morning runs starting next week. In the meantime, you can't ask for much better running weather than the last couple of days - it's about perfect.

GPS Rundown:
Nokomis loop variation
6.26 miles / 51:17 time / 8:12 pace
----------------
Now playing: electronic - tighten up

WARNING: Long post

2008-09-03T19:29:00.014-05:00

I'm finally back to blogging - I'll be better about updates now that I'm getting settled in more.

House news:

It's coming along very nicely. Slower than anticipated for several reasons, but all is going well. The move itself went great - everything arrived safely, but I ran into some unforeseen problems once it was all over here. My bed didn't fit up the stairway to the second floor, so that was a bummer. I had concerns about that fit ever since I first saw the house, but I figured there must be some way. There isn't. This slightly older house (1949 build) just has skinnier doorways and stairwells than more modern houses, and it just wasn't going to have any part of that bed's unique head/footboards or it's queen-sized traditional mattress/boxspring. So, I now have a completely outfitted spare bedroom on the main floor. And it is quite literally a bed room - that ginormous bed takes up just about all of the smallish room, but hey, at least it fits in there! Next, I wanted to set up my TV area in the basement rec room, and then get new living room furniture to have a real living room upstairs (no TV!). My couch and chair wouldn't fit through the basement stairwell. So, those are staying on the main floor too. No big deal there - those furniture pieces are still in great shape and will work fine in my living room. Otherwise, things are slowly finding their place here.

I'm painting right now - the office and spare bedroom are done (and put together), and I just finished the dining room (waiting for that to dry completely overnight now). Tomorrow, I'll paint the living room. Then - finally - I'll be able to get everything pretty much moved into place. Right now, the living room and basement are still filled with mucho flotsam & jetsam of moving carnage. And my kitchen isn't faring much better, although I can at least make my morning coffee ;-)

On the bright side, I did end up with a great new queen-sized mattress and bedframe from good ol' Ikea that I absolutely love. It's a latex mattress that was just barely pliable enough to mash & stuff up the stairway. So, my upstairs master bedroom is looking (and feeling!) good. I also scored a basic cheapie sofa arrangement from Ikea to use downstairs for the TV area; it's nothing great, but it does the job. I don't watch enough TV to justify paying for cable, so I got one of those HD boxes and an indoor HD antenna, and it seems to be working out fine. Reception down there is a tad sketchy sometimes, but I haven't really made a concerted effort yet to tweak the setup. It'll be good enough. I really like the notion of having an adult living room with no idiot box, so that thing is staying downstairs no matter what.

My washer and dryer fit downstairs fine (whew!). Getting the old ones out was an adventure though. I thought I could perhaps do it by myself, and I did indeed manage to get the dryer out, but I couldn't get the washer up even one step - that thing was a friggin' tank. Fortunately, the movers were able to get it out the next day just fine.

Some miscellaneous thoughts on moving:

I was struck over the past week or so with fleeting moments of loneliness and insecurity. Which is odd, since I have no reason to feel that way. I've come the conclusion that it's a Pavlovian response to moving - I've moved a lot in my life, and it's usually been to new places and new circumstances - basically, leaving behind a comfortable and "known" existence, so those feeling were a bit more understanble to experience. Just seemed strange to have them pop up a couple times with this move too. I also think it's just the overall feeling of not being settled in anywhere yet - when things are all packed up in various locations, and there's that transitional period where you don't really have a home, it seems to naturally breed some insecurity.

While thinking about all of that over the weekend, I asked myself, "What makes your home home?" Certainly, getting your things arranged & settled in their proper place is a big part of it. And then customizing the surroundings (painting, decorating, etc). But, when I was in that week-plus transition between the apartment and the new house, home was whichever place I had my computer set up. Oh, and wherever your bed is too. That's a big one. Those couple of nights spent sleeping on the couch while I was dealing with the bed debacle were quite dispiriting.

But I love this new place! The location is great - I'm a quick 3/4 mile from Lake Nokomis, and a jog over there and then around the lake will be absolutely perfect for my pre-work morning runs. Very cool!

And that brings us to: Marathon prep updates

Due to some packing buffoonery, my GPS was MIA for a while. And truth be told, my running has been ...errr... pretty minimal over the last two weeks. I'm back full-force this week though, and I'm feeling great, so I'm confident the marathon will go well as planned. When I went toe-to-toe with that old dryer and the stairs last Wednesday, I wrenched my back pretty bad. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to still run that night - somehow, that made sense to me at the time. Last week, I was running nights. Not evenings, but nights. Anywhere from 10:30 to midnight-30 starts. I was on a crazy schedule, and those night runs helped me clear my head at the end of the day. So, anyway, last Wednesday... That was the crazy stormy night, but despite my bad back and the storms, I wanted to have one last run in Mendota Heights. So, off I went at about 11:30. At that point, the rain was steady but still pretty soft. After about 10 minutes, all hell seemed to break loose. Rain started coming down in frenzied, wind-whipped sheets. I was unfazed - "Hardcore!", I reassured myself. And then the lightning started. And not just a little. A lot. Still I pressed on. The few people out driving who saw me must have thought I was absolutely out of my mind. They were right.

I was going past St Thomas Academy's athletic fields when it suddenly got very bright. Sort of bright like daylight, but much, much brighter. In daylight, there are still always some shadows that darken things somewhat. This sudden light was unbelievably bright, and there were no shadows. I knew that either I was about to be abducted by aliens, or there was going to be a lightning strike very close to me. Time slowed. Despite the pounding rain, there was a loud sizzling noise steadily building, and I could feel the electricity in the air. Then, the loudest noise I have ever heard in my life - the lightning struck a ballpark light pole about 20 feet from me. Being a military pilot, I've heard a lot of loud things, but nothing like this. I could feel the powerful concussion of that strike, and my ears rang for minutes afterwards. I watched the lightning bolt hit the pole numerous times in that brief split second - I could see the light race up and down the bolt, and then when it was done with the strike itself, flashing dots of light flickered on-and-off along the vertical path of the bolt. To say the least, it was awesome and very humbling to behold. I finished the entire planned run just fine - soaking wet and a bit shaken by the lightning encounter, but the experience certainly made for a memorable last run in Mendota!

Today's GPS Rundown:
Nokomis lap variation
5.69 miles / 45:40 time / 8:02 pace
----------------
Now playing: opus III - it's a fine day

Whew...

2008-08-24T00:12:00.006-05:00

What a week. I am crazy tired right now. And the vast majority of work is yet to be done! At least I now have time off from work to make it all happen. I'm slowly getting things over to the new house, and it's starting to come together. My big items will move towards the end of next week. I was hoping to have started painting by now, but no joy - I've got other things to do ahead of that still.

Note to self: In the future, read instruction labels more carefully, and avoid like the plague any adhesive products that advise: Product contact with skin can only be removed mechanically, or allowed to wear off over time. Mechanically?!? Ugh.

And sorry for the lack of running updates this week - nothing really worth reporting on. Next Monday, I'm going to attempt to get back on track one way or another. Sheesh, I've got to - not much time left to get ready!

Thanks for putting up with my lack of reports - this upcoming week will likely be sparse too, since I have to clear completely out of my apartment. By this time next week, I should be feeling much more "settled" ;-)
----------------
Now playing: the pixies - wave of mutilation

Home, Sweet Home

2008-08-18T19:52:00.011-05:00

I am now a bona fide homeowner.

The closing went pretty much as planned today. A few last-minute hurdles to jump getting to the table, but it all concluded just fine. And I walked away from the deal with a nice-sized check in hand - which will all go right back into the house ;-)

I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I don't expect it will until I actually move in and start living there. I'm still darn excited - I have a LOT of work ahead, but I know it'll all be worthwhile! After I get settled in, I'm planning to do a "lessons learned" post about my overall buying experience.

Since I needed a few hours off during the day to close, I skipped my morning run and went into work early. I ran this evening to make up for it. I knew I wasn't as well hydrated as I should've been (naughty bad Hydro!), so I didn't end up going for very long. The numbers turned out much better than I was expecting. Tomorrow will be my planned weekday off, and then I'll start up again Weds morning.

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake Figure-8 (mod)
5.03 miles / 40:31 time / 8:04 pace
----------------
Now playing: harvey danger - flagpole sitta

Saturday's schlep

2008-08-16T10:40:00.008-05:00

Today's run was... meh. Good numbers overall (straight-through, no stops), but it didn't feel great. I just didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do my long runs. I suppose it's because I have a lot on my mind with the new house. I was considering doing more mileage today, but the body said it was time to stop when I did, so I didn't push it. I still have plenty of time to hit the 18- and 20-mile marks.

Now, it's time to start moving some items over to the new house, and then get my Home Depot on!

GPS Rundown:
Chain of Lakes variation
14.53 miles / 2:03:18 time / 8:29 pace
----------------
Now playing: new order - 60 mph

Friday run-fu

2008-08-15T06:07:00.003-05:00

No run yesterday - it was a planned day off.

Great running weather this morning. Once I was finally fully awake out there, I really enjoyed the run.

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake (mod)
5.59 miles / 45:31 time / 8:09 pace
----------------
Now playing: turriff & district pipe band - up in the morning...

Wednesday's whoosh

2008-08-13T19:02:00.009-05:00

Good news on the closing - it's been officially scheduled again. Maybe not as soon as I'd like, but at least it's back on. By this time next week, I should have the house. I actually have the keys now, but I feel weird moving much stuff until the papers are all signed. I'm very grateful that it's all once again moving forward!

** break - break **

I'm going to start working in one evening run during the (work) week. My mornings are allowing for a ~4.5 mile run, and I'd like to do one longer run during the week. My plan would be to then take the next day off. That'll be fine since I rarely end up running all 5 days as it is. I'd still do a long run on Saturday, and take Sunday off (or a perhaps short run).

I started that tonight. It's pretty muggy out, but I figure doing some runs in the heat is good for my conditioning. I had some energy I needed to get out of my system tonight, so I decided to try my 7.5 mile route in under 8-minute miles. Maybe not by much, but I did it. Feels good.

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake + Resurrection (extended)
7.56 miles / 60:13 time / 7:58 pace
----------------
Now playing: the pixies - dig for fire

Tuesday trundle

2008-08-12T06:56:00.005-05:00

Arguably dreary out this morning, but I prefer it like that for running.

I'm considering some options to beef up my weekday mileage, but I'd like to get this house timeline nailed down better first. In the meantime, just do it.

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake + Resurrection Figure-8
6.44 miles / 53:26 time / 8:18 pace
----------------
Now playing: yo-yo ma - unaccompanied cello suite 2 in d

Ugh.

2008-08-11T18:48:00.011-05:00

Final word today: Closing has rolexed. It's nothing major jeopardizing the deal overall (thank goodness) - just some title paperwork minutiae that's still not in accordance with, so everything's on hold for right now. Closing should happen by the end of the week; I'll keep y'all posted...

I'll do my final walk-through tomorrow though - that'll give me an opportunity to decide on painting colors and get going on shopping for some other DITY projects I have planned. So, it'll still be a productive day.

"Serenity NOW!!!"

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Now playing: the pop will eat itself - splendour and chaos

So it begins

2008-08-11T06:05:00.005-05:00

Brisk out this morning!

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake Figure-8 (mod)
4.65 miles / 39:21 time / 8:28 pace
----------------
Now playing: handel - concerto no 6

Gettin' hip

2008-08-10T09:56:00.008-05:00

Feeling swell today - I was curious how tight or sore I may be today after yesterday's big push, but I feel great overall. I'm blessed to not have any injuries or dogged aches & pains so far; although, yesterday, I did notice something a bit askew with my left hip early in the run - it wasn't an irritation or a pain per se, nor was it persistent, it just was something "there" a few times early in the run. It didn't last (thankfully!). Maybe the birdstrike did some damage after all?!? Haha, I'm confident it'll all be fine ;-)

Rundown:
Down day
----------------
Now playing: stereo mcs - connected

Gittin'er done...

2008-08-09T10:45:00.006-05:00

Good run this morning, despite it being ridiculously steamy early on. That seemed to improve as the sun climbed, but the mugginess was pretty heavy starting out.

From Nokomis, I did Harriet and Calhoun and back, and then ran around most of Nokomis to finish it off.

Today marks a first for my long-distance runs this year: I didn't stop during the run. At all. I was lucky with the stop-lights today and only had to slow & swerve a little to get through a couple of them without stopping. The time below is straight through with no stop-n-resume breaks.

I wanted to hit it hard today, since starting next week, I'll have some very busy weekends ahead. And I'm very happy with today's results - I'm definitely feeling good about things.

GPS Rundown:
Chain of Lakes variation
16.70 miles / 2:23:49 time / 8:37 pace
----------------
Now playing: smashing pumpkins - rhinoceros

Quiet Friday evening

2008-08-08T19:01:00.010-05:00

...and that's OK. So what if I'm single again, and don't have super fabulous weekend plans? I can either be bummed about it (still am sometimes, I admit), or I can celebrate the great things going on for me right now.

-- I got a raise today. Just a modest one, but it was unexpected. Giddyup!

-- My Minnesota property tax refund came this week - just in time to go right back into my new property ;-)

-- I think my closing will happen on-time after all. An issue arose this week with the seller and the title (looong story), but my loan officer is rockin' it. She stepped in personally today and made it her mission to get it taken care of. Hopefully, now the paperwork gets finalized in enough time. She takes immense pride in closing on the target date, and when there's any threat to that, well... watch out. She's an experienced hard-hitter who knows her way around the system, and I've been really impressed at numerous things she's taken on for me that are well above-and-beyond her expected duties. I'm very lucky to have her on Team Chris

-- Running is going well. Really well.

-- The new baldness is getting good feedback!

And, I don't really have time for any fabulous weekend plans right now anyway - packing calls...
----------------
Now playing: cracker - low

TGIF

2008-08-08T06:03:00.007-05:00

I surprised myself with today's numbers - I was very sluggish getting ready for the run, so I didn't expect it to be that fast. Feels good though!

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake Figure-8 (mod)
4.60 miles / 38:14 mins / 8:18 pace
----------------
Now playing: styx - mr roboto

Wise words from a wise guy

2008-08-07T20:38:00.003-05:00

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Think clearly.
Act rightly.
Good things happen.

A work in progress...
----------------
Now playing: operation ivy - knowledge

Chilly air = good run

2008-08-07T05:56:00.004-05:00

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake Figure-8 (mod)
4.59 miles / 39:13 mins / 8:32 pace
----------------
Now playing: nancy sinatra - bang bang

Hump Day

2008-08-06T20:28:00.003-05:00

Nice and cool this morning. Otherwise, NSTR.

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake Figure-8
4.55 miles / 40:14 mins / 8:51 pace
----------------
Now playing: green day - when i come around

Bird strike

2008-08-05T18:42:00.009-05:00

It was still pretty dark out when I turned south onto Dodd Rd. I looked down to check the path ahead for any obstacles that could cause another ankle incident. In my peripheral vision, I caught a quick flash of movement and then was hit... by a bird! Something grey-colored and very small glanced of my left hip and quickly flew away. I haven't had a bird strike in a long time, and I expect it'll be long time again before I ever have another one.

GPS Rundown:
Rogers Lake Figure-8
4.54 miles / 39:46 mins / 8:45 pace
----------------
Now playing: TMBG - birdhouse in your soul

Dear diary,

2008-08-04T18:51:00.025-05:00

Since I'm down to an army-of-one for my TCM training preparation, I'm going to start checking in daily here with how I'm doing. It'll help keep me honest ;-) And starting this past Sunday, I now have a way to use GPS on my runs, so I'll be posting exact mileages (as long as it works!) Unfortunately, the GPS interface doesn't play well yet with Macs, so you are just going to have to take my word for it...

Starting last Saturday (8/2 pre-GPS): I'll call it 16 miles. I walked for a while after I rolled my ankle over, and I became too impatient trying to use gmap-pedometer to figure out how much I actually did. 16 seems fair enough.

Sunday (8/3): 4.55 miles (Rogers Lake Figure-8 route). Note to self: pace much improved with new aerodynamic cranium.

Today: 0 miles. Took the day off to let the legs recover. My quads wanted it. On the plus side, my ankle felt completely normal on yesterday's run. I swear that thing is pure rubber - it may fold over easy, but it just bounces right back. How fast it recovers is freakish, considering that it pops (ick!) all fully out of joint when I roll it. Oh well, I'm just happy that it's fine.

I'm planning to hit the trusty ol' Rogers Figure-8 tomorrow morning. For tonight, packing calls...
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Now playing: chet thomas - you're my thrill

Well, that hiatus was short-lived...

2008-08-02T17:41:00.042-05:00

My last post was rather terse. Although I certainly will be busy soon with the move, I feel that I owe y'all an update in the meantime. It's been quite a week...

I've rejoined the ranks of singledom.

How it unfolded has been a challenge to the strength of my recovery program. And, by saying that, I want to be clear that I'm not talking about any temptation to drink over it - I'm grateful to say that hasn't been an issue whatsoever. Rather, I mean the "coping" aspect of it all. There's a part of me that never seems satisfied until I have answers. And that trait has served the thorough hard worker in me very well. However, it can also trigger a lot of stinkin' thinkin' from that addict in me. When it comes to relationships, answers are rarely black-and-white. Some things simply must be accepted at face value, even if not fully understood. Here, a crossroad lies... To chase after answers or resolution to the point of... well... what, exactly? Going down that shoulda-woulda-coulda road of what-ifs & whys rarely--if ever!--leads to a satisfying or happy closing. Alternatively, the other path is acceptance (there it is again!). Acceptance isn't easy when your don't have the answers you desire, but my recovery program resources help me navigate difficult situations like this in a healthy & positive manner.

I'm in no hurry to get back into the dating scene. I'm looking forward to having time to work further on me - that's always time well spent. The new house will keep me plenty busy, and I still have the marathon to prepare for. Additionally, my poor bikes have had a quiet season so far, and I look forward to some great fall riding to make up for that.

The marathon training is coming along fine. I did my first solo long-distance run today and it went very well overall. I did the usual The Lakes run again, but inadvertently ran Lake of The Isles too (long story), so the run overall was just a tad longer than I'd planned! While on the return leg around Calhoun, I thought I was toast when I abruptly rolled my noodley left ankle - the ensuing crash to the ground was rather spectacular. Nearby fellow runners were very nice though, and made sure I was OK. I ended up finishing the last 6+ miles of the run - I'm pretty sure that was not a good idea, but we shall see tomorrow ;-)

And, as of today, I'm bald. Growing out my hair was a fun experiment, but I never was quite happy with it overall. Big change, but I'm liking it...

Peace out!
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Now playing: right said fred - i'm too sexy

Looking forward...

2008-07-29T21:36:00.007-05:00

I am going to take a break from blogging for while. When I move, I'll send out updated contact info to friends and family, so please watch your inboxes for that. Thanks, and take care...

To thine own self be true
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Now playing: ella fitzgerald - goodnight my love

Runnin'

2008-07-27T21:13:00.005-05:00

Reading over my recent posts, I've been rather unhappy with my weekday mileage. And that's true - it's not where I want it to be. And, as much as I'd like to improve it, I now face a very busy month or so ahead with the upcoming move.

So, I'll do the best I can in the meantime. The long-distance Saturday runs have been going well. It was just 2 of us from the group this past Saturday, but we did 14 miles around The Lakes - not too shabby. We later found out that a certain savvy someone did 14.5 miles on Saturday while she was out-of-town. Show-off ;-) All 4 of us from the group should be in town for this coming Saturday's adventure, so that'll be nice.

I'm getting excited for the move, but not so much about the packing. Yeah, not so much that. On the bright side, the timing of everything is working out just about perfectly. I'll have time after closing to get some interior painting, cleaning, and other prettying up done before needing to move anything over. Now, just gotta figure out how to fit some good runs in - the TCM will be here before I know it!
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Now playing: roger miller - king of the road

One step closer!

2008-07-24T20:08:00.007-05:00

Today, I found out that I cleared the last big hurdle enroute to the closing table... The VA assessor signed off on my house with no work-order requirements, so it finally looks like everything is a GO...

Earlier this week, I learned that my loan package had been endorsed by the underwriter, so it nice to know that the money is all set. I'm very grateful that I was able to lock in my 5.99% interest rate before those starting climbing again recently.

Although I won't really celebrate until I'm walking away from the closing table with keys in hand, it's starting to look like I'm going to be a new homeowner in just under 3 weeks from now. :-)
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Now playing: lyrics born - stay loose (jimmy smith)

Errr... Monthly update?

2008-07-20T14:32:00.005-05:00

I apologize for the lack of updates recently; I've just been busy. And there's really nothing much new or exciting to report right now. Hoping to have more news on the house later this week.

Running is going well - my weekday mileage still isn't consistently where I want it to be, but I'm finishing our Saturday long-distance runs just fine, so that's good. We did 13.5 miles all around "The Lakes" here in Minneapolis yesterday, and I feel great today. So, until this house ordeal is over, I'll just have to be happy with current efforts.

Otherwise, life is going great - this has certainly been a wonderful and blessed spring & summer thus far!
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Now playing: cassandra wilson - the good life

Weekend Update

2008-07-06T18:39:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a safe and relaxing holiday weekend!

Mine has been great - fun get-togethers with new friends, nice fireworks shows to celebrate the 4th, a Sunday afternoon flea-market adventure, and still time to catch up on things around the house.

I'm excited to have a very promising new house-hunting development, but I'll hold off on more details until later this week. House-hunting has overall been an interesting learning experience for me. I've certainly learned a lot about the real-estate and home-ownership processes, but it's also taught me a lot about myself - my motivations, my capabilities, my likes/dislikes, my goals, etc. Good stuff - not always easy things to tackle or figure out, but definitely good for me to face squarely.

My running schedule is still not close to being back where I want it to be, but hopefully, I get squared away this upcoming week. That's the plan anyway ;-)
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Now playing: the orb - little fluffy clouds

2 years!

2008-07-01T20:52:00.009-05:00

In some ways, two years ago seems so incredibly long ago, and in other ways, it seems like yesterday. Two years ago, it was impossible for me to imagine that my life would be as rich & blessed as it is today - I am humbled and very grateful.

One day at a time. That's how I got here, and that's how I plan to move forward.

A work in progress...
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Now playing: thievery corporation - un simple histoire (a simple story)

Plan, plan, and plan again...

2008-07-01T20:36:00.005-05:00

The hunt continues. Nothing very interesting to report as of now; I'll be back out looking at properties again tomorrow evening.

I was far too optimistic with my initial forecast of how quickly I would find a place. I'm learning that my experience thus far (a few early strikes) is completely par for the course, and that I shouldn't be at all discouraged. The biggest concern of mine recently is what I would do when my current apartment lease ends and I still have no house lined up. However, I am happy to report today that I have made arrangements that give me welcome additional breathing room. I am hugely relieved, and I am confident that I'll find my own wonderful home soon!
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Now playing: diana krall - let's face the music and dance

Weekly update

2008-06-28T12:59:00.004-05:00

Well, I'm sure you've all correctly concluded from my lack of postings that the previously discussed house deal fell through. The seller's bank became completely unresponsive once they accepted my offer, and we finally just chose to walk away from the whole thing as a result. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be, and that just means a better, sweeter deal is out there for me. I looked at more properties today, and found some promising leads. I'll keep this one under wraps until it's closer to a done deal ;-)

Running suffered this week as a result of my on-again-off-again house scrambling, but that was completely expected. I'll get back into the swing of things again here soon, and get caught back up in training just fine.

Otherwise, it's a bee-yoo-tee-ful weekend - I'm blessed to spend it with family and friends. Life is great!
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Now playing: eclipse - movin' nicely (the modern jazz quartet)

Note to self...

2008-06-23T19:55:00.006-05:00

Replacing a blown tube on Ubu is a PITA, thanks to her particularly finicky cup-and-cone hubs.

Oh well - at least it wasn't the rear wheel. After some maddening past wrenching experiments back there, I just don't have the patience to take that Rubik's Cube apart anymore. Drivetrain issues or anything that involves the removal of Ubu's rear wheel is the only thing I'll make a trip to the local bike shop for these days. On the plus side, Ubu's kevlar tires are still holding up like a champ - the tube leak was on a seam near the valve, so after a quick patch job, we're good as new!
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Now playing: limp bizkit - rollin'

Still no "green light"

2008-06-20T21:22:00.006-05:00

The big hurdle was cleared earlier this week - the seller's bank accepted my offer. And that was certainly great news! However, in their acceptance documentation, they unexpectedly specified a closing date a little under two weeks sooner than I can be ready for. The mortgage assistance program I am taking advantage of has a 35-day processing period from offer acceptance, so that is the long pole in the tent. My excellent johnny-on-the-spot loan officer is ram-jamming the paperwork through the system as fast as possible, but we are still waiting for a written sign-off from the seller's bank regarding the closing date before we press ahead with our inspection, etc.

I was hoping to have word by today, but no joy. Meh. I suppose no news is good news for the time being - I just have to be patient. My realtor (another rock star!) is aggressively doing his best to negotiate the push, and I'm confident we'll have word by early next week. We don't see why the bank would have an issue with the slightly later date, but stranger things have happened. So, I'm not getting too excited just yet - we still have a ways to go. Even if the bank signs off on the closing date, I'll still have to see my inspector's results before I decide to keep moving forward on this one. Regardless of how this one turns out, it's definitely a great learning experience!

Off to bed for now - my busy weekend starts early tomorrow morning with a 10-miler. Burn, baby, burn!
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Now playing: fugazi - waiting room

Busy!

2008-06-15T10:43:00.009-05:00

Ugh. I've been a bad blogger again lately. Lots going on, but not really much exciting or definite to report on right now...

Marathon update: As anticipated, my plans to maintain an aggressive training plan with morning runs is suffering due to the house hunt. I haven't stopped my training, but it's slowed down again in the last couple of weeks as the house-hunting efforts have intensified. It's just one more give-and-take with my available time, and I just have to keep doing the best that I can. I did 10 miles on Saturday, and I'm feeling fine overall today, so that's a good sign! My savvy friend has been training this season with a couple of her friends - they have been doing longer distance runs on Saturday mornings, and I'm going to start running those weekly with them. Running those longer distances with a group is definitely helpful - I'm very grateful they have welcomed me into their training circle! This week, I did an 'expert' shoe-fitting and got some excellent overall running shoe advice from Run N Fun. That simple effort was long overdue - I'm very happy with this new pair of shoes I scored, and the confidence gained from making a well-informed decision is definitely reassuring.

House update: I have made my first offer on a house this past week, but it's a "short sale" situation, so that adds some additional hurdles to get over. Ultimately, the offer has to be approved by the seller's bank, and it could take a while to get a response. So far, so good... I really like the house, but I'm not getting my hopes up at all - if it's meant to be, then it'll work out. If not, then c'est la vie... In the meantime, I'm still planning to get out with my realtor this week to look at more listings.

Hair update: I went to get the mop cleaned up a couple of weeks ago, and they ended up taking off more than I intended. When asked where I went to get it done, my response was received with a tsk-tsk. Apparently, I should start going to a "real" stylist in order to properly maintain the longer hair & curls. When I though about it, that does make sense, so that's what I'll do next time. As I've mentioned before, I know my hairline is making a steady retreat, so I want to make the best of it while I can!

Overall, my previously very quiet social life has blossomed this spring into a lot of new activities & obligations - and that's a wonderful thing! I am--of course!--very happy about that, but definitely requires me to budget my available time more carefully. Gone are the days of having plenty of "me time", but I much prefer it this way ;-) Things will settle back down significantly when this house-buying adventure concludes one way or another, but I know that point is still a long way off.

I'll post up again when I have more news; until then, thanks for putting up with my blogging slow-roll!
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Now playing: jane's addiction - the riches

Great meeting tonight...

2008-06-05T20:47:00.022-05:00

Particularly excellent AA meeting tonight!

One friend who I first met while doing my out-patient treatment at Hazelden celebrated his '3 years' tonight - what an inspirational transformation & journey he's had in those 3 years! He truly lives The AA Program earnestly, and has long been a shining example to me of the success that humble & sincere effort will bring. It was great to see him tonight and celebrate his 3 years!

Another long-time friend from my Thursday night group has recently started to attend the meeting once again after having been away for quite some time. It turns out he suffered a relapse during that time - but he is now back with renewed humility and determination, and he announced tonight that he was celebrating his '32 days'. Again, it was wonderful to be there and commemorate that with him - he's a fantastic guy, and it's great to see him back on the beam!

Sobriety anniversaries, both big & small, are great things to celebrate in recovery meetings - the experience, strength, and hope shared by those who are marking an anniversary always leave me with an astute takeaway - whether it's the insight of someone celebrating just 24 hours, or someone celebrating 35 years. All good things!

Tonight, we covered Step 11 - "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out"

This Step always reminds me of a favorite quote:

"Do not pray for easy lives, rather pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers, rather pray for powers equal to your tasks." -- Phillips Brooks

Or, as my Mom once told me, "God will not test you beyond your capabilities." Sometimes, that can be very hard to believe! But I must believe it; I cannot persist and grow if I do not accept that truth. And the strength to do that can only come from a sincere spirituality and complete trust in God's will.

This week has seen some challenges for me that definitely relate to Step 11. Even something as 'small' as my whole house-buying effort - I must be careful not to get headstrong or greedy or too self-reliant as I move forward in this process.

But perhaps more tangibly, I've recently had an unwelcome intrusion into my personal circumstances. The details are unimportant, but what I learned from that was echoed thoughtfully in tonight's reading and discussions.

My first reaction was this recent challenge was to explain, explain, explain, and even blame, blame, blame... But that's not the right answer - that's my EGO (Edging God Out) trying to steer the course. Sure, some explanation was necessary to work through it all; but ultimately, I knew the true answer was that key to both my sobriety & peacefulness: Acceptance.

And acceptance ain't always easy, but I've found these three things help me get there...

1.) be sincerely present
2.) be willing to do the next right thing, and take positive action
3.) be truthfully and humbly accountable

When I can accept, I know I have the capability to persevere, and remain spiritually & emotionally healthy. This foundation gives me the strength to not succumb to blinding emotion inevitably resulting in debilitating inaction, or selfish & misguided maneuvering. I have, can, and still do suffer from all of those things at times - I am still only human, after all! But acceptance not only allows me to more often prevent that, but also to then recover from my missteps in a responsible manner when they occur.

This recent challenge could well have resulted in a disparaging loss for me, and I immediately prepared myself for that possibility by accepting that God's will be done, not mine. I don't know how many times I said both that phrase and The Serenity Prayer to myself that evening, but it was a lot!

Even if things hadn't ended up working out so well, I still would've trusted & accepted that it was God's will for this situation - even though it would have been very difficult (to say the least!). One thing is for certain - I would've been on the phone with my sponsor about the whole thing a heckuva lot more than I have been! ;-)

So, as I blogged about a while ago, acceptance truly is the answer - especially when things aren't as we would desire!

A work in progress...
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Now playing: big drill car - a take away

It's on like Donkey Kong!

2008-06-05T18:03:00.004-05:00

I've decided to finance with another lender (sorry USAA!), and had a meeting with my loan officer this morning to go over & sign all of the papers, and crunch "the numbers" for houses in the areas I'm interested in - and it all looks good-to-go! I'm cleared for the loan amount that I was looking to get, and the monthly payments look like they'll work out just fine. Best of all, I'll need no down payment! Between me putting cash up for earnest money and tax payments prior to close, it looks like I'll actually walk away from the closing table with a nice-sized check for myself - pretty sweet deal!

I had to finance with a "local" lender in order to qualify for the City Living program (score!), and between that program and my VA loan, it's nice not to have any worries about fronting a big down payment - I'm very excited that all of this is working out so well!

Next week, I'll be going out to look at houses at least two evenings during the week, and I'm now completely ready to confidently start making offers - how cool is that?

Time to start pouring through the listings in earnest again...
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Now playing: the church - metropolis

Big smiles!

2008-06-01T18:45:00.005-05:00

I've had an absolutely fantastic weekend! I got in some great long-distance runs, and I'm blessed to have been able to spend much of the weekend with a certain savvy someone who's become very special & dear to me. I met & spent time with some terrific folks who are close friends of hers, and I was honored to have that privilege - I know that's not an easy or comfortable step in a new relationship. And I'm very grateful to her for that! Life truly is good...

And I'm also grateful that she had cold, hard cash for our lovely Grand Old Day adventure! ;-) Note to self: Visa is not everywhere I want it to be.
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Now playing: sarah vaughan - fever

Why I do what I do

2008-06-01T18:01:00.014-05:00

I started this blog primarily to document my Recovery experience, both good & bad. It has been a therapeutic way for me to share insight into this epic journey of mine with family & friends by providing a convenient way for me to express things that I may not be ready or willing to talk directly about for whatever reason.

And, hopefully for others, it has been an effective advocation for the miraculous capacity of the 12-Step recovery program by sharing my own experience, strength, and hope.

Over time, my blog has grown into a place to share all sorts of things about me. Because of my success in recovery, The Promises of AA are all steadily coming true, and I am genuinely gaining back my life (on life's terms!) - an unbelievably fantastic & exciting new version of it.

At different points, I've considered restricting access to my blog, or starting a new blog for various different things, but I've always finally decided that this blog must stay public, open, and available to all. If I'm not comfortable sharing what I have share with everyone & anyone, then that hints at some personal unrest or paranoia, and those aren't healthy things for me to enable or foster.

Sure, there are occasionally some topics that I'd initially love to blog (i.e. vent) about, but in the end, those wouldn't be productive or healthy things for me to highlight or dwell on anyway. Recovery has taught me the value of letting go and personal housecleaning & mindfulness, so harboring or validating any feelings which breed a sense of unrest or resentment for me is very counter-productive. In that sense then, this blog also provides me a very tangible reality check whenever I sit down to post.

So, any & all will always be welcome here to my blog - I hope that you find overall my experiences shared here a hopeful & bright testament to the miracle of Recovery.

I still am (and always will be!) far from perfect, and I certainly make mistakes as I move forward; but today, I am willing, able, and strong. Just two short years ago, I was none of those things. By the grace of God, I will continue sincere & humble effort in strengthening and nurturing my Recovery journey - after all, it's one I will be on for the rest of my natural life ;-) Thanks for stopping by - enjoy!

A work in progress...
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Now playing: nina simone - feeling good

Run on!

2008-05-31T09:42:00.007-05:00

I've been applying my springtime theme, and many good things are happening!

One of them is that I signed up for the 2008 Twin Cities Marathon a while back. I was trying to keep it a secret for a couple of reasons…

One, if it looked like it may actually work out, I wanted it to be a surprise for a certain savvy someone. However, that was getting hard to do. I need to let family & friends know about my plans so that they understand that my training is a priority for me, and that it takes up a lot of my time & attention - trying to keep 'the plan' under wraps wasn't panning out well.

Two, back to that whole "if it looked like it was going to work out…" thing… I'll be honest - I'm still not really sure yet. Even if this whole house-buying ordeal doesn't work out, I'll probably still be moving this summer, so I'm going to have a lot on my plate! Plus, I have not thus far been training particularly hard at all - but that part has changed in the last couple of weeks…

So, the training thing: I've changed my hours at work to accommodate running in the mornings. I now have plenty of time to get in a long run every morning. That significantly frees up my evenings for other things - house-hunting, having a life, and cross-training (i.e. mountain biking!). Right now I'm logging mid-30s for weekly mileage, and am planning on bumping that up to mid-40s starting next week, then going up from there.

Who knows if it'll all end up working out. But I know this: I've talked a lotta smack about doing another marathon ever since my last one, and it's all just been "Well, yeah, definitely someday… next year for sure, I think…" After discussing this possibility with my savvy running role model one evening a while back, I decided that unless I actually sign up for one, I know I'll never get serious about really doing the preparation. And The Good Lord knows that I'm never short on excuses – heck, don't forget that I'm an alcoholic - I'm pretty good at finding excuses! ;-)

I'd already promised my friend that I'd assist & participate in her training for the marathon – and when I really thought about it after speaking with her that night, I said to myself, "What the heck are you waiting for? Sure, it'll never be a 'good time', but these are darn favorable circumstances!" And, lo & behold, slots were still available when I then checked online, so I signed up.

And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. Even if I don't end up running it for whatever reason, I'm still going to do great things for myself by doing the prep work – and that's definitely worth it!
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Now playing: moby - run on

A few random things

2008-05-26T21:04:00.011-05:00

1.) My hair is getting pretty darn gnarly. I'm liking it! The curls are most definitely back. I was going to get a clean-up trim this weekend, but I decided that I'm just going to let it go nuts. Well, that is until I'm advised that it should get cut ;-) The only thing that bugs me is that it turns into a rather crazy looking wind-blown afro (eerily similar to that Facebook ad I posted previously!) when I'm out running sans product, but oh well...

2.) This thing - it may look dorky, but it's pure genius!

3.) Windoze = evil. Macs rule.

That is all. Carry on.
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Now playing: guy's band - random jam

Ready, set, go...

2008-05-26T20:46:00.004-05:00

Busy work week ahead. I'm going to pursue the City Living program for possible mortgage grant assistance, and will be attending a 9-hour seminar this week in the evenings as prerequisite for that program. Ugh, this is going to be a verrry long week - I'm so grateful that it'll only be 4 days! Between the early morning runs and go-go-go late evenings, I'm going to have to be very careful to stay well-rested, properly fed, and well-hydrated. Something tells me that I'm going to have a pretty busy weekend too ;-)

I'll have more news later this week...
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Now playing: republica - ready to go

Me no speakee Facebook

2008-05-17T21:23:00.016-05:00

I don't get Facebook.

I've never really understood the allure of online social networking sites ala MySpace and Facebook, but I figured I'd take the plunge and throw together a Facebook profile. I thought perhaps my eyes would finally be opened to whatever the draw was. After several months now, my 'friends' number a whopping 3. I'm not quite sure what to make of that...

Truth be told, I expected to find many more folks I know out there, but I haven't. The 3 friends I have know all approached me, which was great - it's wonderful to be back in touch with those guys. But for the ones I have gone in search of since, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole 'friend' procedure - the power to control the establishment & status of a 'friendship' in such a public and potentially abrupt on-or-off way seems almost high-school-ish to me. But I guess that's how it has to be - I don't have any better ideas, or I'd be a young bazillionaire thanks to my own new uber-popular social-networking site concept.

This Facebook/MySpace concept of 'friendship' is a rather strange new twist on the concept of friendship as I have always understood it. Meh. Add that to the long list of things that I don't get. I guess that's all part of getting old and lame. Oh well. I'll leave my profile up, and see who stops by. You never know.

And, in conclusion, I'd like to share this gem of an advert I found on my Facebook page today:

Does Facebook really know that I'm balding? Apparently so. Well, this miraculous product seems to not only cure baldness, but it also somehow makes you look like Prince Harry stylin' a sweet Napoleon Dynamite afro, even if you didn't look anything at all like him before. Powerful stuff!
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Now playing: garbage - i think i'm paranoid

Brand new shine

2008-05-14T20:27:00.005-05:00

I'm still just at the stage of going through my realtor's daily emails which detail qualifying listings, but the internet certainly is a very helpful way to 'shop' until I have time to f2f with my realtor.

My sister B told me the other night that she knew right away when she first saw the houses that she ended up buying, and I'm hoping to have a similar 'love at first sight moment' too. There is one great listing in today's email that definitely piques my interest, although the price is currently outside of what I'd like to be considering. I'm going to do a drive-by this weekend of it, and then talk to my realtor about that one for sure. Since it's a new listing, I'm hoping the price will come down some, and then... who knows? We'll see. I must admit that it definitely gets bonus points for being close to my savvy new lady friend ;-) Her neighborhood is one of the areas I'm shopping in - I like it.

No matter how much I end up liking a place, I gotta stay smart and not get in over my head with anything. That's just something I need to keep reminding myself, since I know temptation will be great and that I'm all too capable of championing implausible self-serving rationalizations (a well-honed aptitude of any alcoholic!!)
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Now playing: soul asylum - brand new shine

Cabaret

2008-05-11T12:45:00.004-05:00

Went to see Cabaret at the Ordway last night - excellent show! The music was fantastic, and the show was contagiously energetic. I hadn't seen a performance of Cabaret prior, and I very much enjoyed it! Many thanks to my svelte, sophisticated, and savvy friend for spearheading the plans... I wasn't in the best shape last night due to some head congestion, but she put up with me and my sniffles nonetheless. It was a most delightful evening!
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Now playing: sarah vaughan - cheek to cheek

Still perusing

2008-05-11T10:31:00.004-05:00

Not much news on the house-buy front lately... I'll have some more time available over the next couple of weeks to get out and put eyes on some of the neighborhoods and listings I'm interested in. Until then, I'm still just going over & comparing the qualifying listings I'm getting via email - lots out there!
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Now playing: the clash - should i stay

Approved!

2008-05-01T17:53:00.007-05:00

Financing is a GO! Thanks USAA! I'm not yet sure if this is the loan I'll end up using (terms & conditions), but it sure is a great feeling to know that I'm a good candidate to get the benjamins I'm after.

So let the shopping begin! My realtor has started feeding me listings for the price range and features I'm looking for, so I'll have plenty to start watching & comparing over the next couple of months. I'm pretty excited...

Currently, I'm looking in the Northeast Minneapolis & even Uptown areas. My brother first recommended looking in Northeast, and I've heard good things from several other people now too, so I'm starting there. We'll see how it goes.

That would mean that I'm not as close to the great mountain bike trails here closer to my current location, but location is all a give & take. Compromise is the key to success in many areas of life, and I want to be smart about it with this rather huge investment.

And, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be doing more running than biking this summer anyway. I have some catching up to do :-)
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Now playing: the flying lizards - money

Hmmmm...

2008-04-28T17:20:00.007-05:00

My blog got a lot of hits today from USAA. I wonder if that bodes well for me, or not? Meh, what's done is done - hopefully, they liked what they read :)

USAA contacted me today about getting the MoversAdvantage program set up, so that was great & fast service! And by the end of the day, their recommended local realtor called me, but I was on the train and couldn't take the call. I will follow up with her in the morning...

So, big kudos to USAA so far. Now, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that all of the financing works out in the end. Even if/when I get the pre-approval, I may well find out that what I'm looking for in an abode is not congruent with my current financial situation overall, so we'll just have to see how it all plays out. I am excited to be getting hooked up with a USAA-blessed realtor though - good stuff!
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Now playing: presidents of the usa - back porch

I heart USAA ... so far ;)

2008-04-26T12:47:00.008-05:00

I'm moving along with a mortgage pre-approval from my longtime go-to bank, USAA. So far, so good - I cleared the initial hurdles in the app, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Although my credit is excellent and my only current debt is The Toaster, I don't yet have a long work history with my current employer, so that could be the show-stopper. These days (ongoing credit-crunch & rampant foreclosure aftermath), banks everywhere are not willing to take any risks, so although it's a buyer's market, it's not necessarily easy to line up financing...

I am also planning to take advantage of their MoversAdvantage program which will put me in contact with local realtors who work closely with USAA - I feel that I'll be in extremely good hands (as long as the mortgage financing pans out!). USAA is the overall #1 again this year for their incredible start-to-finish, all-inclusive customer service, and I'm excited!

If they end up dissing me for financing, then I'll look elsewhere... But, for now, I'm trooperin' on ;-)
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Now playing: johnny cash - i walk the line

Hair update

2008-04-24T22:18:00.003-05:00

I'm back to letting it grow out again. Giddyup ;-)
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Now playing: louis armstrong - hello dolly

Acceptance was the answer

2008-04-24T21:18:00.011-05:00

It was our monthly "topic night" at my AA 12x12 meeting tonight, and Acceptance was drawn from the hat.

What a wonderful discussion! I immediately went to one of my favorite passages from the Big Book - these wise & powerful words resonated with me the very first time I read them, and it's a passage that I often revisit when I am discontented with circumstances in my life. It always helps me get back on a path of right thinking & right action, and helps restore my proper balance...

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

-- Big Book, p 417 (emphasis mine)

For this tall order, the Serenity Prayer is the most helpful resource for me. When I can truly surrender disturbances that are out of my control, and be genuinely accountable for things I can control, then I can't deny that things work out amazingly well! Good stuff.

A work in progress...
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Now playing: U2 - grace