Why I do what I do

I started this blog primarily to document my Recovery experience, both good & bad. It has been a therapeutic way for me to share insight into this epic journey of mine with family & friends by providing a convenient way for me to express things that I may not be ready or willing to talk directly about for whatever reason.

And, hopefully for others, it has been an effective advocation for the miraculous capacity of the 12-Step recovery program by sharing my own experience, strength, and hope.

Over time, my blog has grown into a place to share all sorts of things about me. Because of my success in recovery, The Promises of AA are all steadily coming true, and I am genuinely gaining back my life (on life's terms!) - an unbelievably fantastic & exciting new version of it.

At different points, I've considered restricting access to my blog, or starting a new blog for various different things, but I've always finally decided that this blog must stay public, open, and available to all. If I'm not comfortable sharing what I have share with everyone & anyone, then that hints at some personal unrest or paranoia, and those aren't healthy things for me to enable or foster.

Sure, there are occasionally some topics that I'd initially love to blog (i.e. vent) about, but in the end, those wouldn't be productive or healthy things for me to highlight or dwell on anyway. Recovery has taught me the value of letting go and personal housecleaning & mindfulness, so harboring or validating any feelings which breed a sense of unrest or resentment for me is very counter-productive. In that sense then, this blog also provides me a very tangible reality check whenever I sit down to post.

So, any & all will always be welcome here to my blog - I hope that you find overall my experiences shared here a hopeful & bright testament to the miracle of Recovery.

I still am (and always will be!) far from perfect, and I certainly make mistakes as I move forward; but today, I am willing, able, and strong. Just two short years ago, I was none of those things. By the grace of God, I will continue sincere & humble effort in strengthening and nurturing my Recovery journey - after all, it's one I will be on for the rest of my natural life ;-) Thanks for stopping by - enjoy!

A work in progress...
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Now playing: nina simone - feeling good

Run on!

I've been applying my springtime theme, and many good things are happening!

One of them is that I signed up for the 2008 Twin Cities Marathon a while back. I was trying to keep it a secret for a couple of reasons…

One, if it looked like it may actually work out, I wanted it to be a surprise for a certain savvy someone. However, that was getting hard to do. I need to let family & friends know about my plans so that they understand that my training is a priority for me, and that it takes up a lot of my time & attention - trying to keep 'the plan' under wraps wasn't panning out well.

Two, back to that whole "if it looked like it was going to work out…" thing… I'll be honest - I'm still not really sure yet. Even if this whole house-buying ordeal doesn't work out, I'll probably still be moving this summer, so I'm going to have a lot on my plate! Plus, I have not thus far been training particularly hard at all - but that part has changed in the last couple of weeks…

So, the training thing: I've changed my hours at work to accommodate running in the mornings. I now have plenty of time to get in a long run every morning. That significantly frees up my evenings for other things - house-hunting, having a life, and cross-training (i.e. mountain biking!). Right now I'm logging mid-30s for weekly mileage, and am planning on bumping that up to mid-40s starting next week, then going up from there.

Who knows if it'll all end up working out. But I know this: I've talked a lotta smack about doing another marathon ever since my last one, and it's all just been "Well, yeah, definitely someday… next year for sure, I think…" After discussing this possibility with my savvy running role model one evening a while back, I decided that unless I actually sign up for one, I know I'll never get serious about really doing the preparation. And The Good Lord knows that I'm never short on excuses – heck, don't forget that I'm an alcoholic - I'm pretty good at finding excuses! ;-)

I'd already promised my friend that I'd assist & participate in her training for the marathon – and when I really thought about it after speaking with her that night, I said to myself, "What the heck are you waiting for? Sure, it'll never be a 'good time', but these are darn favorable circumstances!" And, lo & behold, slots were still available when I then checked online, so I signed up.

And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. Even if I don't end up running it for whatever reason, I'm still going to do great things for myself by doing the prep work – and that's definitely worth it!
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Now playing: moby - run on

A few random things

1.) My hair is getting pretty darn gnarly. I'm liking it! The curls are most definitely back. I was going to get a clean-up trim this weekend, but I decided that I'm just going to let it go nuts. Well, that is until I'm advised that it should get cut ;-) The only thing that bugs me is that it turns into a rather crazy looking wind-blown afro (eerily similar to that Facebook ad I posted previously!) when I'm out running sans product, but oh well...

2.) This thing - it may look dorky, but it's pure genius!

3.) Windoze = evil. Macs rule.

That is all. Carry on.
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Now playing: guy's band - random jam

Ready, set, go...

Busy work week ahead. I'm going to pursue the City Living program for possible mortgage grant assistance, and will be attending a 9-hour seminar this week in the evenings as prerequisite for that program. Ugh, this is going to be a verrry long week - I'm so grateful that it'll only be 4 days! Between the early morning runs and go-go-go late evenings, I'm going to have to be very careful to stay well-rested, properly fed, and well-hydrated. Something tells me that I'm going to have a pretty busy weekend too ;-)

I'll have more news later this week...
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Now playing: republica - ready to go

Me no speakee Facebook

I don't get Facebook.

I've never really understood the allure of online social networking sites ala MySpace and Facebook, but I figured I'd take the plunge and throw together a Facebook profile. I thought perhaps my eyes would finally be opened to whatever the draw was. After several months now, my 'friends' number a whopping 3. I'm not quite sure what to make of that...

Truth be told, I expected to find many more folks I know out there, but I haven't. The 3 friends I have know all approached me, which was great - it's wonderful to be back in touch with those guys. But for the ones I have gone in search of since, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole 'friend' procedure - the power to control the establishment & status of a 'friendship' in such a public and potentially abrupt on-or-off way seems almost high-school-ish to me. But I guess that's how it has to be - I don't have any better ideas, or I'd be a young bazillionaire thanks to my own new uber-popular social-networking site concept.

This Facebook/MySpace concept of 'friendship' is a rather strange new twist on the concept of friendship as I have always understood it. Meh. Add that to the long list of things that I don't get. I guess that's all part of getting old and lame. Oh well. I'll leave my profile up, and see who stops by. You never know.

And, in conclusion, I'd like to share this gem of an advert I found on my Facebook page today:



Does Facebook really know that I'm balding? Apparently so. Well, this miraculous product seems to not only cure baldness, but it also somehow makes you look like Prince Harry stylin' a sweet Napoleon Dynamite afro, even if you didn't look anything at all like him before. Powerful stuff!
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Now playing: garbage - i think i'm paranoid

Brand new shine

I'm still just at the stage of going through my realtor's daily emails which detail qualifying listings, but the internet certainly is a very helpful way to 'shop' until I have time to f2f with my realtor.

My sister B told me the other night that she knew right away when she first saw the houses that she ended up buying, and I'm hoping to have a similar 'love at first sight moment' too. There is one great listing in today's email that definitely piques my interest, although the price is currently outside of what I'd like to be considering. I'm going to do a drive-by this weekend of it, and then talk to my realtor about that one for sure. Since it's a new listing, I'm hoping the price will come down some, and then... who knows? We'll see. I must admit that it definitely gets bonus points for being close to my savvy new lady friend ;-) Her neighborhood is one of the areas I'm shopping in - I like it.

No matter how much I end up liking a place, I gotta stay smart and not get in over my head with anything. That's just something I need to keep reminding myself, since I know temptation will be great and that I'm all too capable of championing implausible self-serving rationalizations (a well-honed aptitude of any alcoholic!!)
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Now playing: soul asylum - brand new shine

Cabaret

Went to see Cabaret at the Ordway last night - excellent show! The music was fantastic, and the show was contagiously energetic. I hadn't seen a performance of Cabaret prior, and I very much enjoyed it! Many thanks to my svelte, sophisticated, and savvy friend for spearheading the plans... I wasn't in the best shape last night due to some head congestion, but she put up with me and my sniffles nonetheless. It was a most delightful evening!
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Now playing: sarah vaughan - cheek to cheek

Still perusing

Not much news on the house-buy front lately... I'll have some more time available over the next couple of weeks to get out and put eyes on some of the neighborhoods and listings I'm interested in. Until then, I'm still just going over & comparing the qualifying listings I'm getting via email - lots out there!
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Now playing: the clash - should i stay

Approved!

Financing is a GO! Thanks USAA! I'm not yet sure if this is the loan I'll end up using (terms & conditions), but it sure is a great feeling to know that I'm a good candidate to get the benjamins I'm after.

So let the shopping begin! My realtor has started feeding me listings for the price range and features I'm looking for, so I'll have plenty to start watching & comparing over the next couple of months. I'm pretty excited...

Currently, I'm looking in the Northeast Minneapolis & even Uptown areas. My brother first recommended looking in Northeast, and I've heard good things from several other people now too, so I'm starting there. We'll see how it goes.

That would mean that I'm not as close to the great mountain bike trails here closer to my current location, but location is all a give & take. Compromise is the key to success in many areas of life, and I want to be smart about it with this rather huge investment.

And, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be doing more running than biking this summer anyway. I have some catching up to do :-)
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Now playing: the flying lizards - money

Hmmmm...

My blog got a lot of hits today from USAA. I wonder if that bodes well for me, or not? Meh, what's done is done - hopefully, they liked what they read :)

USAA contacted me today about getting the MoversAdvantage program set up, so that was great & fast service! And by the end of the day, their recommended local realtor called me, but I was on the train and couldn't take the call. I will follow up with her in the morning...

So, big kudos to USAA so far. Now, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that all of the financing works out in the end. Even if/when I get the pre-approval, I may well find out that what I'm looking for in an abode is not congruent with my current financial situation overall, so we'll just have to see how it all plays out. I am excited to be getting hooked up with a USAA-blessed realtor though - good stuff!
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Now playing: presidents of the usa - back porch

I heart USAA ... so far ;)

I'm moving along with a mortgage pre-approval from my longtime go-to bank, USAA. So far, so good - I cleared the initial hurdles in the app, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Although my credit is excellent and my only current debt is The Toaster, I don't yet have a long work history with my current employer, so that could be the show-stopper. These days (ongoing credit-crunch & rampant foreclosure aftermath), banks everywhere are not willing to take any risks, so although it's a buyer's market, it's not necessarily easy to line up financing...

I am also planning to take advantage of their MoversAdvantage program which will put me in contact with local realtors who work closely with USAA - I feel that I'll be in extremely good hands (as long as the mortgage financing pans out!). USAA is the overall #1 again this year for their incredible start-to-finish, all-inclusive customer service, and I'm excited!

If they end up dissing me for financing, then I'll look elsewhere... But, for now, I'm trooperin' on ;-)
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Now playing: johnny cash - i walk the line

Hair update

I'm back to letting it grow out again. Giddyup ;-)
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Now playing: louis armstrong - hello dolly

Acceptance was the answer

It was our monthly "topic night" at my AA 12x12 meeting tonight, and Acceptance was drawn from the hat.

What a wonderful discussion! I immediately went to one of my favorite passages from the Big Book - these wise & powerful words resonated with me the very first time I read them, and it's a passage that I often revisit when I am discontented with circumstances in my life. It always helps me get back on a path of right thinking & right action, and helps restore my proper balance...

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

-- Big Book, p 417 (emphasis mine)

For this tall order, the Serenity Prayer is the most helpful resource for me. When I can truly surrender disturbances that are out of my control, and be genuinely accountable for things I can control, then I can't deny that things work out amazingly well! Good stuff.

A work in progress...
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Now playing: U2 - grace

One day at a time...

It's likely to start getting sparse in here. Lots of exciting new Works In Progress, but not much time lately to document them all. Things on my plate include:

-- Running season has done sprung, and thanks to a very motivating & wonderful new friend, I'm considering doing some races this year. No promises yet - more details to follow later…

-- Mountain biking season will be at full-steam soon! Can't wait to get on the local trails – some have opened up since late last week, but I haven't been out on them yet. Soon, soon, soon!

-- House-hunting. Yeah, yeah, I know… I'm lollygagging with that. Again. I need to jump-start that endeavor this week.

-- And, last but certainly not least… I am dating. Disclosing details wouldn't be prudent, but I owe family & friends that explanation for where a goodly chunk of my time & attention is going lately.

I'll (of course) keep posting, but I doubt it'll be as often or comprehensive as I'd like. Thanks to you all for your loyal readership and kind words of encouragement & support!
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Now playing: dean martin - ain't that a kick in the head

I heart Public Radio

I meant to post this all earlier, but better late than never…

Most of you know that I'm an avid MPR listener and supporter. If you too are a regular listener of Public Radio programming (news on 91.1, The Current on 89.3, or classical on 99.5) and are not already a supporting member, please voice that Public Radio is important to you. Minnesota Public Radio needs your help as an advocate and a donor.

See you there tomorrow evening!

And... Get ready to Rock The Garden! It should be an incredible show - I'm looking forward to it! ;)
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Now playing: fIREHOSE - hear me

The Iron: Round 2

I haven't bamboozled y'all with some true mediocrity for a while now, so let's get mundane, shall we?

A long time ago, I blogged about my distaste for ironing. And I still have no love for that particular necessary evil, but I've found an interesting new toy. Change is good, right?

I've always been curious if a steamer device like this could be an improvement over the traditional iron & board technique, so I looked into them. Indeed, they seem to offer improved convenience, but good ones are $$$, and Amazon is rife with people who lament their decision to buy the cheapie versions. I decided it wasn't an investment worth the price, but I still looked once in a while on Craigslist and eBay, and I found a nice one recently at a steal of a price.

So I got it.

It's ...well... impressively large. If that alone implies high quality, then I'm all set.

"OK", I decided, "So it's much bigger & heavier than I thought it would be. Even though I feel like one of the knights from 'Monty Python and The Holy Grail' pushing around the Trojan Rabbit every time roll it in & out of my closet, that's really no big deal."

But the fact that it looks like awkwardly out-of-place industrial machinery still irks me. It will certainly remain as well hidden as possible when guests come over:

"Holy crap!!! WTF is that thing?!?"
"It's my clothes steamer. It's sort of like a big iron."
"Yeah, it sure IS big. Dude, how much stuff do you iron?"
"Well, actually not that much, really."
[insert "Are you nuts?" look here]
"I gotta go."

However, it does work pretty darn well - I'll give it that. But it gets all crazy hot & steamy. I never really feared burning myself with my iron, but I just know that I'm eventually going to have an incident with this monster requiring an ice-pack & lots of aspirin. Oh well - new challenges are good for me.

I am determined to tame this machine!

However, I'm still keeping my old iron and board just in case...
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Now playing: talking heads - burning down the house

Theme for Spring '08...

Leap, and the net will appear.

This spring, I am blessed to have some wonderful new opportunities before me - both big and small. I pray that my willingness to risk & dare as I move forward remains balanced and unselfish. I am ready.

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?" -- Frank Scully

A work in progress...
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Now playing: fatboy slim - the journey

Brrrrr!

What a crazy night out... An hour later, and I'm still chilled from my relatively short time outside during the evening commute. This soaking & wet bone-chilling cold is hard to shake off!

No run for me tonight - I'll hit my meeting, and then I'm looking forward to a nice hot bubble bath.

It's been a quiet week for me on Blogger here; however, all is well. Very well, as a matter of fact ;)
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Now playing: joshua redman quartet - rejoice

Opera, anyone?

Late last night, I was asked by a savvy new friend if I wanted to see an opera at The Met today. And so we went. No, it didn't involve a red-eye flight to NYC -- it was a local Live in HD simulcast of La Bohème.

I enjoyed it very much! This concept provides a unique introduction to world-class opera, particularly for a gauche newbie like myself. It's well worth checking out!
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Now playing: the cure - just like heaven

Spammed!

Not long after publishing my post last night, I noticed that a post comment showed up saying "Please check out (link)". Of course, that comment went directly to the trash without further investigation. Perhaps my racy post title attracted unwanted bot attention?

However, I then noticed my blog received 20+ hits from all over the world within the short, few-minute span that the comment was still active - and mostly from some pretty shady places. Ugh.

So, that's why I have added the word verification step in order to post a comment. I hope that won't deter anyone from posting up, but I'd rather not leave an open door here for the next bot wandering through the neighborhood. Your understanding is much appreciated!
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Now playing: elvis - suspicious minds

Yeah, take it off, baby...

Got the hair cut tonight.

It was nice for a while there to see the curls come back, but I wasn't diggin' on the mind-of-its-own wookieness lately. Perhaps I haven't give it enough time, and I was actually on my way to great things at some longer length, but this surly & uncooperative length recently was irksome. Maybe I'll give it another run in the future, who knows...

I really like the way it looks now - a good balance, if I do say so myself. And - in the end - we've each gotta be the ones happy with our own goods, right? ;)
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Now playing: eels - novocain for the soul

To the 9s

I'm fortunate that I don't have a strict dress code at work. We can't wear t-shirts, flip-flops, or anything too lounge-ish (all perfectly reasonable), but it's an otherwise very laid-back environment. But since I do own some nice dress clothes, I decided a while back that I'd start wearing a shirt, tie, and pants for my own Dress Up Mondays. I'm not quite willing to go so far as wearing one of my suits yet, but maybe once in a while in the future just to mix it up. For whatever reason, it's more fun to dress up when no one is making you do it. Funny how that works.

And then today... The inches of slush and all that wet & sticky snow falling while trekking-waiting-trekking for the Light Rail portion of my commute -- not the best day to voluntarily be all snazzed up in nice duds. Oh well. The shoes can be cleaned & shined, and the pants can be dry-cleaned. No big deal. It was still worth it. I enjoy the double-take folks at work still give me when they see me on Mondays; it's rather fun.

I hope everyone out there had a lovely weekend - I know that I certainly did! ;)
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Now playing: big bad voodoo daddy - go daddy-o

Only Tuesday?!?

It's been a long week already. Work is busy, which is good, but I've gone in early the last two mornings to catch up on some grunt-work projects when the office is nice & quiet. I'm feeling it catch up to me tonight though; I'm looking forward to a hot, relaxing soak in the tub and then off to bed.

And today was particularly interesting at work due to some office drama (unrelated to me, thankfully!). Today was a good day to be a worker-bee; I'm glad I didn't have to be on the management side of the fence for this one. Some days I don't at all miss having to wear that hat, and today was one of those days. All things considered, I have much to be grateful for tonight.
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Now playing: uncle tupelo - wipe the clock

Happy Easter!

Wishing everyone a wonderful Easter!
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Now playing: wax - happy happy joy joy

Bad Bunny

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Now playing: beastie boys - egg man

A break in programming...

I've been a fan of this blog for a while now, and I'd like to share the love with my own dear readers (I'm sure some of you have seen it already). The posts are all just so darn true; it's hard not to laugh out loud. Heck, it's good to laugh at yourself sometimes - life is cruel enough as it is ;)
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Now playing: wilco - pot kettle black

A new transfusion

Good news? I guess time will tell...

For now, it's time for a nice run before yoga tonight - what a gorgeous day!
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Now playing: the offspring - come out and play

Sorta like an Easter Egg hunt...

Some of you may remember my snowblower incident from earlier this season.

The spring thaw has given back a few keys so far. My Mom & Dad have been very good sports about combing over the debris field as the snowbank has been slowly whittled down - thanks! So far, all of the recovered keys still work just fine. And they don't look too shabby, given everything that they went through (literally!)

So, maybe the couple of others remaining will turn up too. April showers bring... May Hondas? May Yakima roof racks? May mailboxes? And, if not, then I'm sure the good ol' lawnmower will dutifully find any others still unaccounted for later ring. Yep, that sounds about right ;)

~~~March 20th UPDATE ~~~

All keys have been found! How amazing is that?!? Thanks, St Anthony - I owe ya one. And HUGE thanks to my Mom & Dad - your efforts in finding those needles in that haystack are very kind, and much appreciated! Thanks - the next dinner outing is on me ;)
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Now playing: the chemical brothers - let forever be

TMI

I was planning on really tearing into the house-buying stuff today. Crunching numbers, researching mortgage and loan options, etc, etc. And I have indeed made some good progress there. But, wow, the more I really get into this stuff, the more confusing it gets. I decided I need to stop trying to be so dang smart, and just finally sit down with a realtor sooner rather than later to discuss my options. I've finally (yes, I'm stubborn!) come to the conclusion that trying to wade through ALL of this available information without expert help is just causing me wasted time & effort. I'll get a credit report ordered up here, and then make an appointment for sometime in the week or two. My financial situation (in terms of what I can afford for monthly mortgage payments based on some of the gazillion calculators out there) seems to be OK enough to move forward, so I'll press...

Now, it's time to get outside & enjoy the beautiful day!
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Now playing: the flying lizards - money

Somebody pinch me!

But not on my ulnar nerve. The Ergon GX-1 mountain bike grips I ordered sometime last season for Boo-Boo are finally arriving to me this week. These things caused a lot of stir when this svelte new design first debuted, but then they suffered one "they're right around the corner! no, seriously, this time we mean it!" production delay after another. I had given up on ever seeing a set, but good ol' Speedgoat has hooked me up with one of the first sets they got in. Yeah, stupid little things like this make me happy ;)

Just had to share some bike-geek excitement there. Carry on...
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Now playing: U2 - hallelujah here she comes

The Dating Game

Who knows why - perhaps because Spring is in the air? - but I've recently been asked quite a bit as to why I'm still not involved in a relationship...

I know that if it's His will for me, then God will put the right woman in my life, and I trust that will be made clear to me at the proper time. Perhaps I even already know her, but the circumstances for a different level of relationship just aren't there yet.

Or, it could be that I'm simply destined to stay single. There's certainly plenty of evidence in my track record thus far that would suggest to some that may not be such a bad idea! While I hope that's not the case, I am OK with that too. In the past, when I've despaired about my relationship status (or lack thereof), I errantly pursued and/or tried to maintain ones that were all wrong, and--of course--none of that worked out well.

So, I know and accept that the right answer is to leave it in God's hands, and in the meantime, I must just be ready. How? Stay sober. Continue working my recovery Program rigorously & honestly. Do the next right thing. Be a good & true friend. Don't spend too much time in my own head (it's a bad neighborhood to walk alone in!). Trust.

I can be patient. Heck, I must be patient. Meanwhile, I've always got some work to do ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: the stone roses - love spreads

I was told there would be cake?!?

I've never been one to make a big deal about my birthdays. Since it always seemed to fall during or very close to a spring break from school (elementary through college), the prospect of that exciting time off usually held more thrill & distraction for me than my birthday. Well, that is, once I outgrew getting all fired up about birthday presents & ice-cream parties! And then once I was in the USAF, it always seemed like I was busy out on the road or deployed over my birthday, so it was just another day workin' for The Man.

But I have to admit that as much as I pooh-pooh my own birthday, I do enjoy it when others make me celebrate it anyway :) I had a very pleasant low-key dinner with my parents and sister tonight, and it was really nice - I appreciated that they took time away from their busy lives to make it a special lil' event for me. The other siblings made time to contact me recently and wish me a Happy Birthday too. Very cool! I truly am blessed with an awesome family. We are a quite the bunch of ...errrr... unique individuals, but we are so fortunate to have each other - we make a pretty darn good team. Thanks family - you guys all rock!

I was also blessed to get many birthday well-wishes from friends - far more so than in past years. It made me realize how many good & sincere friends I've made since getting sober, and how many 'old' friends I've reconnected with since then. None of that would've happened without the gift of my recovery, and I am very grateful today for that - thank you, friends!

Oh well, I suppose that saying I'm in my "mid 30s" doesn't sound so bad ;)
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Now playing: presidents of the usa - kick out the jams

A view from the other side...

Jury Duty = complete!

Late yesterday, 18 of us were randomly picked from the 80+ potential jurors for a case. Until we got to the courtroom, we didn't know if it would be a civil or criminal case.

We first learned that it would be a criminal case. "Oh, neat!"

Then we learned it would be a DUI case. "Ugh..."

We knew that today would begin with the jury selection process. Here, the judge and both attorneys get to ask whatever questions they feel are necessary to eliminate potential jurors based on applicable biases, prejudices, attitudes, etc.

I knew to expect some very pointed questions about our feelings and personal experiences with alcohol and drinking & driving. Not surprisingly, I had the most eyebrow-raising answers in terms of 'been there, done that'. After that questioning, we learned that only 6 of us would be picked. I did not previously know that only felony charges warrant 12-member juries, otherwise, it is just 6. "Well," I thought, "That definitely seals the deal then... Pretty soon, I'll be punted back to the jury pool downstairs for more waiting around." Imagine my surprise when I was named Juror #2...

I won't go into details about the case, but I will say that it was all an incredibly fascinating experience! As it turns out, there was much more to this particular case than what was on the surface, and then we learned even more interesting details after it was all over (long story there). After the trial was complete, the judge came to speak with us back in the deliberation room. I thought it was really neat that she came to discuss the case with us afterwards, and to answer our many questions.

As we were wrapping that up, the judge turned to me, smiled knowingly, and asked "So, were you surprised when you were named Juror #2?" I admitted that I certainly was! I asked how that worked in my case - I understood the obvious alcohol-related biases and prejudices that eliminated several of the potential jurors, but I certainly seemed to be a wild-card given there were still many ...ahem... 'less controversial' juror candidates available. She said she was impressed that I candidly answered the blunt questions with steady composure and a calm self-confidence. She acknowledged that I was a potential gamble per se, but she believed that my experiences would bring a unique & helpful perspective to the deliberations. What a lovely compliment that was!

It was a true honor to serve my community today as a juror, and I am very grateful for this enlightening opportunity - it certainly made for one heckuva birthday ;)
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Now playing: the sugarcubes - birthday

The Circle

One lasting takeaway from my USAF career was something I learned at the Resistance Training portion of SERE school. We were taught to picture our essential needs as being contained in a circle. In a POW situation, these are quite simple – medical attention, food & water, and other Geneva Convention rights. It would be our goal to maneuver all interactions with our captors to be 'inside the circle' – to not let them pull us outside of it and get us off-balance. Whenever drawn out of the circle, we would need to focus our energy on getting back inside as quickly as possible. "Look, I can't remember anything about that secret radio on the plane because all I can think of is that I haven't eaten in 4 days and you just yanked my shoulder out of its socket. Give me medical attention, let me eat and rest, and *then* maybe I will be able to think more clearly". You get the idea.

I still often use this circle of well-being analogy to understand & assess circumstances in my life. When thus discontented about something, what got me out of my circle? Did someone pull me out? No; inevitably, I left it on my own accord. My ego is usually to blame - everything outside of my current circle has unreasonable selfishness at its foundation. I choose to upset my healthy balance & flow by disproportionally pursuing something outside– whether it's some 'point' or idea, a 'last word', or some other explanation or defense of something not truly worth my energy & attention.

I know fully well when I'm outside of my circle. Physically, I'm on edge; my 'fight or flight' instincts kick in. Even mildly, I still feel those instincts transform my body and thoughts. Though I am not in physical danger (hopefully!), I am certainly in emotional danger, and nothing good ever comes from that. I must honestly assess the most prudent way to get back inside my circle, and thus rightly return to the serenity and sanity present there. Most often, it is not the easiest or shortest route, though that one may be most tempting! When I understand & admit that I'm the one who actioned myself out of my circle, the true path back in then assuredly becomes clear. But that admission can be one heckuva tall order sometimes, especially in the heat of the moment ;)

Progress, not perfection.
Keep moving forward one step at a time.
Do the next right thing.
Keep inside the circle!

A work in progress…
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Now playing: jack johnson - times like these

You too?!?

Isn't it reassuring to realize that you aren't the only one dealing with 'stuff'? This may be an odd segue to that warm-fuzzy concept, but today I read a fellow Blogger's post that got me thinking about it. They mentioned that when cold & tired, it's all too easy to let your running form get slack, with one result being your shoe slicing across the inner ankle bone during strides. When it's cold out, you tend not to notice yourself doing this since your ankles are so numbed, and it can quickly get raw enough that it bleeds. I had to smile as I read her post because my right ankle is currently band-aided from doing the exact same thing yesterday. It's a bummer deal because it can take a long time to heal if you end up hitting it again later and re-opening it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

It's always nice to learn that you're not alone - even with the little things!
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Now playing: the white stripes - icky thump

Off my game this week

Crimony. Now that I look, it's been a pretty blah week on Blogger for me. Teeth-gnashing laments over my on-again-off-again Jury Duty saga, and then a silly don't-let-the-bastards-get-(me)-down post earlier today that could've only been made more lame & self-approving if "I Will Survive" or the Rocky theme music was blasting the background. Ugh. C'mon, Chris; time to get it together, man!

OK, time to get off my arse and go get something constructive done. Grocery shopping sounds like a fine place to start. Peace out ;)
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Now playing: wilco - why would you wanna live

Jury Duty update

I will be going in on Monday morning for Jury Duty. No idea yet what to expect, but I'm looking forward to it. Perhaps it'll just end up being a whole lotta "hurry up & wait", but I hope it'll be an interesting experience nontheless. We shall see...

Don't forget to spring forward tonight!
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Now playing: spin doctors - what time is it

Moving on...

Meh. Dead horse post undeserving of further attention. Deleted.
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Now playing: leeway - stand for

Tuesday news

I'm off the hook for Jury Duty all this week. Next weekend, I'll call in and see what's in store for Monday. I'm grateful they aren't dragging it out day-by-day this week; now at least I can get a reasonable amount of work done at my real job.

There's a couple of old Air Force buds I've heard from recently that I need to contact back - folks I didn't really expect to ever hear from. Very cool - I'm excited to catch up with them! It's interesting to see how many of us gave up 'the life' and got out. It's just something that seemed so far away back at the time... Sheesh, how time flies!

Well, I guess that's about it. I was thinking about getting into something else, but I think I'll sleep on it first. So, I beg pardon for the unexciting post - I'll try to come up with better stuff for next time ;) Until then, stay warm... Brrr!
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Now playing: paul westerberg - waiting for somebody

Limbo

I called into the Jury Duty hotline, and I do not have to report in tomorrow. My group number is not one of the ones going at all in tomorrow, and now I have to call back on Monday after 5:00 to see if I'm on the hook for Tuesday.

This is all quite unexpected! If this "Not today, but call back later about tomorrow..." nonsense keeps up for the next two weeks, then I'm going to be rather unpopular at work. My job is such that I can't really work just one day at a time - the projects I manage are primarily multi-day ones, so it doesn't make good sense for me to start ones that I'm not confident I can finish in a timely manner. Ugh.

Bollocks to your silly system, Dakota County. I hope you have something for me to do on Tuesday!
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Now playing: the stone roses - fools gold

Happy Leap Day!

Dig it. Now you too can win friends, influence people, and woo hot chicks (or dudes) with your vastly impressive Leap Year & Leap Day smarts. You can thank me later.
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Now playing: peter bjorn and john - young folks

Fixer-upper-er

We have a few new folks starting at work lately, and it's always interesting (even exciting, perhaps?) to have someone new around. 'Around' could mean work, a social group, or even family. Or it could mean a new twist on an existing relationship - a platonic friendship turning into something more, for example. In all these cases, we have an opportunity to introduce ourselves anew (completely or dimensionally) to that person, and we make a fundamental choice about how and how much of ourselves we share in this new relationship.

Clearly, much of that follows certain established societal norms for each of those relationship examples I mentioned earlier. Crossing over any of those norms risks being labeled as 'creepy', 'odd', 'desperate', 'just ain't right', or worse! And, perhaps through learning some of those lessons the hard way and/or otherwise being hurt as a result, we can become wary of how much we are willing to share or give of ourselves, especially early on.

There's a fostering part of me that wants to always see people in new situations succeed. Perhaps it's the struggling newcomer at an AA meeting. Maybe it's a friend who is going through a troubling life experience. Maybe it's the new person at work walking around with the deer-in-the-headlights look. Two things have influenced this "I'll get this all fixed up!" nature in me: My experience as an instructor pilot, and my experience in recovery. I fully admit it: I love being the person present & responsible for someone else's 'Eureka!' moment. It's a great feeling, isn't it?!? But it's a fine line between being overly sheltering & directive, and allowing the other person to discover their own place in the relationship & environment - that's the crux!

There are two tools that I've found helpful (when I remember to use them, haha!). The first, I blogged about a while ago. The second is another sharing tool that I learned in recovery. A fundamental recovery tenet is to avoid telling someone what to do, how to act, etc. It's simply not our place, and none of us like being on the other end of that; rather, we should share our experience, strength, and hope with the person, and allow them to process that information themselves in order to decide their own place or course of action. This is accomplished by avoiding statements like "You should (not)..." Rather, discuss the issue from the perspective of your own personal experience, like this: "When I was in that spot, I did/said ... and it worked well for me (or) what I wish I had instead done/said was ..." It's a subtle variation to humbly proffer insight & direction to others without being overbearing or coming off as high-handed.

That all sounds pretty simple, right? Not so much! Why is that so hard to do sometimes?!? Ego, baby, E-G-O! Well, that's the reason for me; I like to think that I'm a pretty smart dude, and I can be darn smug about it sometimes ;) Now that is most definitely...

A work in progress...
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Now playing: red hot chili peppers - me & my friends

Chill out

Good night at yoga, and I needed it!

I'm slowly starting to hold poses better now. Starting out, I was shocked at how difficult holding (what appear to be very simple) poses can be! I'm amazed at the direct link yoga reveals between our mental & physical serenity. When I can slow down my thoughts and focus them on my own peacefulness & well-being, then my muscles shake less, I inherently relax more gracefully, and the poses become fluid instead of an uncomfortable & unintuitive struggle. Much like recovery, it's about progress, not perfection. Each yoga session has new challenges for me, and that's driven primarily by the mental state I walk in the door with. It's incredible to see how my body reacts in kind to my relaxing mind - good stuff!
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Now playing: dj shadow - midnight in a perfect world

Meh.

It was such a beautiful day, and after having some good runs in the last couple of weeks, I was psyched for a great run today. But, I had a very blech run. Whenever I start to ramp back up in the spring, I go through a period of just having some miserable runs once in a while. It's just the curve of getting back into the outdoor running routine.

I mentioned in a previous post that I don't bike in the winter. I do occasionally run in the winter, but nothing regularly. Truth be told, I just put up with packing on up to 5 lbs (not more!) of winter weight, and then I lose it in the spring when I can run & ride routinely again. So, that annual push in the spring to get my legs & lungs back is always a bumpy start. Today was just one of those days. No rhythm, no stride, no lungs, but plenty of tightness and side-aches. Oh well, I'll keep pluggin' away at it this week; it'll be fine. I'm definitely looking forward to yoga on Weds!

Break, break - new topic: My hair. It's coming along pretty well; the curls are starting to show. Most days I'm liking it, but some days I just want to cut it all off. I got a quick blend & trim on it today just to clean it up a little; that makes feel better about it for whatever reason. Press on...
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Now playing: moby - run on

Slacker!

Yes, I've been a rather lazy blogger again lately. Recap time. This week, I ...

... am still hating this bitter cold. Ugh. Bring spring. ASAP please.

... went to another home buying seminar. Not as comprehensive or informative as the previous one I attended, but still helpful. I've now got a good wealth of resources & info to look hard at whether or not this will be a good time for me to buy. My primary concern is that the ever-worsening credit crunch is going to make for some very wary lenders in the near future, and that could be an issue. Although my credit is excellent, I still am worried about overall financing conditions in 3-4 months. It's not a pretty picture. Yes, it's a buyer's market in terms of property availability and prices, but as banks grow understandably leery & reluctant about lending out precious clams after getting burned by so many foreclosures, then... well, you get the idea. This crazy real-estate market is going to get a heckuva lot more interesting & turbulent before things start to settle down! Meh, I'll keep moving forward and just keep an eye on things...

... started participating more regularly once again in the MTBR.com forums. Getting psyched for riding!

... am watching season 5 of "24". Holy non-stop action, Batman! Sheesh, every single episode so far of that season is nuts! It's no good to have the whole season just sitting there right in front of me. No good at all. I must have something better to do. Right?!? ;)

... am reading The Historian. Again. Wicked awesome book. I'm not generally a fan of the whole Dracula genre, but this book is amazing.

... am not getting nearly enough sleep thanks to aforementioned DVDs and book. Hmmm.
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Now playing: mazzy star - fade into you

Wanna ride...

I am doing some annual maintenance on the bikes today, and I am definitely excited for spring and the new riding season to arrive! Call me a wuss or not a "real" rider if you will, but I detest riding in the winter. Cold & snow is not my idea of fun on a bike.  Oh well.  On the bright side, this is pretty decent weather for a nice long run - I'll knock one out this afternoon.
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Now playing: st etienne - spring

Good to be back!

Whew! Getting out of the U.P. was not exactly fun. Yeah, not so much. The decision to leave in that nasty weather definitely blurred (rather literally in the form of whiteouts!) that fine line between sheer stupidity & macho bravado. That jury's still out ;)

Oh well, the important thing is that I made it back safely. Once I crossed over into Wisconsin and started headed southerly, the weather improved beautifully. Had the blizzardy stuff hanging around the U.P. lasted much longer than it did, I definitely would be shacked up somewhere other than home right now.

Today, I am grateful for all-wheel drive, anti-lock brakes, sure-footed all-weather tires, and a GPS accurate enough to tell me what side of the road I was on!

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Now playing: soul asylum - easy street

Mountain High

What a wonderful couple of days it's been! However, right now, there's a monster arctic front raging through - the wind (50 mph gusts!) is kicking up some big brrrr-chilly-looking waves on the Lake Superior shore just outside my window! It's very windy, snowy, and the temps are dropping quickly. It'll be a blizzardy night. I was very fortunate to have yesterday and today to be out on the slopes - I could not have asked for more ideal weather for the two days. My plan to leave tomorrow worked out well - I wouldn't want to have to brave being out on the slopes in conditions like these! Methinks the drive home will be enough of a challenge...

The conditions up here have been fantastic - Friday was particularly ideal. The Porkies are open Friday thru Monday, so on Friday morning, the 8 inches of fresh powder from earlier in the week was just waiting for riders. And there weren't many of us out there on Friday, so it was like having the place to practically all to yourself. The temps were in the high 20s, no wind, mostly sunny, and beautiful snow! Today was no slouch either, although it was busier, and the temps starting dropping in the mid-afternoon along with the wind starting to pick up as the front approached. That was fine though - I was about done at that point anyway, so it made good sense to call it a day.

I'd forgotten what a wonderful thing a vacation can be. I'm very good at rationalizing reasons why not to take a vacation, but there's just something about taking dedicated time away for yourself to do what you enjoy. I don't know what exactly it is, but it certainly does a mind & body good!

I spent the last couple of hours this afternoon riding only switch-stance, which for me is goofy foot. It was a good challenge to to consecutively ride entire runs switch, it definitely helps my overall riding ability. It can be more frustrating at times since it's not as natural of a stance (i.e. much like learning to ride all over again), but I like seeing myself improve - that's a good feeling! My rear-end and wrists may not agree, but they'll recover...

I've managed to keep this trip cheap, but my one splurge was to get a room with a jacuzzi bath. And, omigosh, that tub is worth every penny; I love it! Crank it up, grab an icy cold Gatorade, my book, and I can spend the entire evening in that thing ;)

... Link to pics ...

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Now playing: midnight oil - king of the mountain

Yep, I need that too...

You would think that with all of the traveling I've done, I'd be a much better packer than I am. Ugh, this is a lot of stuff! Paris Hilton would be mighty proud of this bevy o' bags & gear ;)

"Well dontcha know, it's about time ta load up Ellie, eh? Oh ya, you betcha!" Haha, OK, I'll keep working on my Yooper...
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Now playing: combustible edison - vertigogo

Just (hair)Do It

Emboldened by my previous post, I have arrived at an important decision:

I'm going to grow my hair out.

Not hippie length or anything like a sensitive-ponytail-guy 'do, but something longer than my decade-plus short-hair M.O. Yep, as the picture would suggest, it's been a while. And if I'm going to do this, it has to be sooner than later, since my hairline is making a slow but steady retreat. And, no, this new length will never (ever!) transition into a comb-over. When that day finally arrives, the nugget is gonna get & stay shaved!

OK, now it's been published to the world, so I have to make good on it. ;) This should be interesting!
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Now playing: beck - devil's haircut

Whatcha gonna do?

Life is full of difficult decisions, and as painful as they are to sometimes face, we would be cheated of untold potential for self-discovery & growth without the opportunity to deal squarely with them.

These circumstances are often made easier when we seek & find the support of those who care about us and our best interests. Many of us are blessed to have family and dear friends who can help guide us through life's scarier passes. Their experience and trusted advice is almost certainly welcome and sound. However, what is one to do when that is not in concert with your own views, thoughts, and feelings? How do you then balance other people's influence & advice in determining what's best? The inevitably resulting doubt can be all-consuming...

The bottom line is that - at the end of the day - we must be at peace with ourselves. How is this done? For me, difficult decisions require that I make as honest & objective assessment of the circumstance as possible. Weigh the pros & cons. Acknowledge and understand the risks involved. After all, there is almost certainly always a risk of getting 'hurt' in one form or another. Do I have as clear of an understanding of as many of those risks as I can possibly identify?

It is commonly at this point where we seek the advice & guidance of others who we trust. And what if we find their guidance to be uncharacteristically conflicting with our own feelings, then what? This is a troubling spot to be in! Is the 'problem' with them, or with us? Are we truly willing to listen to their concerns & perspectives? If not, why? If yes, then what is the 'sticking point'? What is uncharacteristic this time?

Faced with this, it is my experience that someone is not being completely forthright. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them. If it's them, then call them on it. How honest can the discussion get, not only about your own motivations, but theirs as well? Even the people we trust most can make mistakes and be selfish in their motivations. They may not even realize they are doing it, most often under the banner of 'protecting' us. Unfortunately, there may be rare times when they know full well the influence they have with us, and they use it inappropriately.

But what if the issue is with us? Are we being forthright with both ourselves and others about our motivations and the circumstance as a whole? Are we turning a blind eye to something daunting, or choosing inaction because it seems somehow easier or safer for us to do that? Or, similarly, are we trying to control the outcome of something that truly is beyond our control? If so, we are only cheating ourselves. Even if just a fleeting glimpse, we can almost certainly identify when we are doing these things. Do we then take brave right action, even when that seems terribly difficult and scary?

I strive to be at peace with my circumstances each & every day. When I am not going to bed with a relatively quiet mind & clear conscience, then I am obviously not at peace with something. Am I worried about what I will be doing for a job in 5-10 years? Am I worried where a current relationship will be in a year? Am I worried about the direction that [fill in the blank] is going? I find that I only worry about the future of things when I am at unrest with their current state. Am I willing to recognize that I have choices and options today - here & now - to take right action in order to bring me greater serenity? When I am discontented about a circumstance today, then of course projecting it anywhere in the future will be disparaging! So, why not establish ownership and responsibility by taking right & positive action now to mitigate the discord?  Sound like a tall order?  

It is! ;)  Welcome to your life - grab hold & own it!

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Now playing: cat power - i believe in you

Gettin' ready

I am getting excited for my trip! I have a cool route planned out to get up there, and then I think I'll come through Duluth on the way home.

I put a fresh wax on Mizu last night, and got her all tuned up. Sheesh, icy hard-packed MN slopes are tough on equipment! Throughout the weekend, I am setting out things to pack as they occur to me. I have some stylee new tunes for the iPod, and the GPS is loaded up & ready to go.

Here's hopin' the weather cooperates - it looks good so far ;)
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Now playing: the pixies - into the white