Life of late

work.
run | bike.
relax | observe | cogitate.
read.
sleep very soundly.

simple | uncomplicated.
life is good | very good.

And, for now, that's just fine by me ;)
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Now playing: the stone roses - waterfall

"Snakes On A Trail"

I forgot how I always seem to have more snake encounters in the fall season. I've seen the same (maybe? who knows) garter snake yesterday and today out sunning himself (herself?) in the same place on the woodsy stretch of my usual running route. It's a pretty good size garter; it kinda freaked me out yesterday, but I was looking ahead better today, so I wasn't surprised this time...

That is until I rounded the next bend and saw not very far ahead what I assumed was just some downed branches laying across the path. Yeah, well, not so much. One of the "branches" turned out to be a big brown python or boa (!) also out enjoying the warm asphalt and late afternoon sun.

And it was at that "WTF?!? Is that a.... uhhh... errrr... Sweet fancy Moses! Yes, it IS!!!" synapse-connection when I did my panicked & terribly uncoordinated stutter-stop while simultaneously shrieking quite loudly. Fortunately, no one else (as far as I know!) was within earshot of my embarrassingly frightened yelp. The snake just lazily looked up at me, then seemed to "Harrumph!" as much as a snake can possibly express such a thing, and finally resignedly slithered off into the brush at the side of the path.

It must have been a pet someone dumped. That's rather sad, it looked like a perfectly nice snake once I realized it wasn't actually going to attempt to wrestle me down and eat me. The Good Lord knows that I'm certainly no fan of snakes, but I felt badly that I disturbed this guy's time peacefully soaking up the last of the day's warm sun.

Fortunately, no more snake encounters during the run. That's not exactly the kind of workout I'm trying to give my heart!
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Now playing: lou reed - walk on the wild side

On a lighter note...

It's on like Donkey Kong!

24 - Season Two
Now playing at select times in my living room

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Now playing: blur - song #2

Training in progress: Step back & think

What's been gnawing at me lately is my idling over certain other peoples' perceptions of me. I'm still rather baffled as to why I'm particularly sensitive to this lately... However, the 12x12 discussion of Step 10 gives me a lot of comfort. NOTE: That Step 10 link isn't to the actual 12x12 text - it's just given to provide some background on Step 10...

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." (12x12, p90)

It is always good to be reminded of this wise truth. This can be a very difficult pill to swallow at times, but true healing and forward growth cannot happen if I do not first take honest accountability & ownership of my role in things.

"Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not … Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely." (12x12, p90)

Haha, I love that line: "…Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people…" So true! It's very easy for me to forget this, and the all-too-predictable bum results unfailingly reinforce this truth. Progress, not perfection ;)

"Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating … We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby-traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think" (12x12, p91)

This definitely speaks to the heart of my recent discontentment. I've seen The Promises steadily fulfilled in my life, and I suppose that's why the sting of others' continued resentments towards me are all the more biting now than when I was in my early sobriety. "What more can they possibly expect from me?!?" is typical of the garbage in my head recently. I know that I have truly changed - why do I find myself now suddenly so perturbed with what other people say about me? There are some people who will never accept the possibility that I've changed, and I must not allow myself be concerned by them. They are ill-intentioned & poisonous - engaging them invariably brings out the worst of my own character defects. And they then (of course) relish that I took the bait, and flaunt any hasty & rash reactions of mine.

Indeed, this is an issue for me only so long as I allow it to be. Self-restraint is still absolutely a character defect of mine that needs attention & work. I must stay removed from these people who wish to do me harm and see me fail. No good can come from interacting with them in any manner; I need to sidestep these traps. There is simply nothing left there for me to "fix". Trying to actively convince someone (through dialogue) that I've "changed" is absolutely the most ineffective way of trying to accomplish such a thing. For those affected by my alcoholism, the best possible thing I can do to demonstrate the sincerity of my change is living my life soberly, spiritually, and in accordance with the 12 Steps to the best of my ability.

I am not perfect and I do stumble. But, nothing so bad that I've ever considered drinking over it. I do at times struggle (sometimes slightly, and sometimes mightily) to maintain my serenity, composure, and steady progress; however, I am grateful to have God, my family, the fellowship of AA & the 12 Steps to assist me. I must simply remain willing.

"An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we seek" (12x12, p95)

A work in progress…
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Now playing: PIL - rise

Evil temptress

The new REI fall catalog came in the mail today...
Must hide credit cards!
Macht schnell!!!
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Now playing: wilco - outtasite (outta mind)

Morning musings

I went to Caribou this morning to do some casual reading and get my periodic "go hang out at a coffee house" fix. All well & good...

When I left, I biked by a open convertible with a seat cover that said "I see dumb people" (a sarcastic twist on that line from The Sixth Sense, I presume). My first inclination was to agree - how sad is that?!? I've never considered myself a very sarcastic or cynical person, but I know full well I'm certainly capable of being those things. And that's definitely thin ice for me to be on.

Fortunately, the next thing that popped in my head was something that a good AA friend said at a meeting a couple of weeks ago: See the innocence. It's a simple statement, but it's given me a lot to chew on since I heard it. I'm trying to be more mindful of how quickly I make assumptions, jump to conclusions, and form opinions. Do I give people & circumstances the benefit of doubt, or am I all too often quick to judge?

So, I've been thinking about the connection between sarcasm & other such diverting "big talk" and how it's so often connected directly to our own insecurities, sense of vulnerability, or just personal unrest. I can definitely see that connection in my own life, particularly when I was in my active alcoholism. To "see the innocence" requires true self-confidence and courage. These are things important to me; today, I choose to see the innocence.

A work in progress...
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Now playing: wilco - what light

No fair?

What a beautiful weekend it's been! A bit warm today, but it's been great to be outside (no rain), and get some great runs & rides under my belt.

Alas, I never did get to "The Fair", but there's always next year. I just didn't feel a draw to go this year. I'm not craving any stick food, and nothing else was compelling enough for me to make the effort. No regrets, though - I'll just live the experience vicariously through others!

Happy Labor Day to all!
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Now playing: willie nelson - bring me sunshine