One day at a time

I've had a couple of great races this past weekend. The weather was beautiful, and the races were a blast. I'm starting to meet more & more good folks in the local running community here, and I'm enjoying that.

Leading up to Grandma's and the Twin Cities Marathon (TCM), I've signed up for a bunch of shorter races this spring & summer. Publicly, I've said that I'd just be doing these for fun, and would have no goals for them, but that's not entirely true. I do have goals for the longer ones, since some will be convenient trials for the marathons.

And, indeed, I did have goals for this weekend. They had to do with my big goal, which I have for this year's TCM: a Boston-qualifying time (BQ). To qualify for Boston this year, I need to average 7:30 min/mile, so that was my goal for these races this past weekend. I was able to do it for both, but as I was crossing the finish line each time, I thought to myself, "26.2 miles at THIS pace?!? No effin' way!!!"

I cannot afford to think like that.

Distance-running training is very similar to recovery. If I just stare at a final goal, the road to it looks overwhelming and impassable. But if I take it one day at a time, and work each day to the best of my ability, meeting smaller goals as I go, I travel along that road just fine. Sure, there are inevitable missteps along the way, and it can be discouraging at times on a day-to-day basis, but I simply must do the honest best I can today. If I do that, then I truly can have no regrets with the outcome, even if that means I don't make my goal at the desired time. And that's the cool thing about life - it's rare that you truly don't get a second chance, at least with the really important things ;)

Just as I do a daily 10th Step inventory for recovery, I do the same thing with my BQ goal for running. What right action have I taken today -- just today! -- towards my goal? Where have I fallen short? What is my plan for tomorrow -- just tomorrow! -- to accentuate the positive and amend today's shortcomings?

When I take it one day at a time, my small steps add up to those long distances over time.

When I was in my early sobriety, The Promises of AA seemed completely out of reach to me, but they have all steadily come true over time. Similarly, my goal of doing the TCM last year in under 4 hours seemed beyond reach when I first started training late last season. But each "goal" has been realized one day at a time, and each continues to enrich my life today.

The fruition of AA's The Promises are a blessing that I'm grateful for every day, and my success at the 2008 TCM has motivated me to continue further with running. As a result of each, I've met wonderful, healthy, happy people who enrich my life, and I myself have grown as a happier and healthier person. Good stuff!

If a BQ doesn't happen this season, no worries. Heck, I've got the rest of my life to get one ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: billie holiday - i've got a date with a dream

Let It Go

It's a topic I've blogged about in the past, but letting go is on the agenda for tonight.

Maybe it's this time of year that gets me thinking about this. It's spring - the season of change and fresh growth. And it's around my birthday. I've never been one to celebrate my birthday much, but I will acknowledge that pesky question of "So, how's this whole life thing turnin' out for ya so far?" seem to gain volume & intensity around my birthday. Heck, I warned you in the last post that my head is a dangerous neighborhood! ;) So, for whatever reason, letting go has been on my brain lately...

I know as well as anyone that it's easy to get down on yourself when things don't seem to be going your way. With a little help of my friends, I am reminded that I shouldn't be frustrated or resentful that my will isn't being done. Even with little things. Sometimes, it's those little things that are the worst - as if they are some great personal injustice when everything else seems to be going so well. Am I grateful for those many other wonderful & good things? No, instead, there I am harrumphing on my pity-pot about some little bit of qweep that's not in accordance with my wishes. Quite silly, really.

So, let it go. Admit first that I'm trying to control things such that they meet my will for them. If I can do that early enough in the process, I can usually let it go fairly easily. Usually, that simple notion escapes me until I'm selfishly all tangled up. Then, it's hard for me to let go when I feel like I've invested blood, sweat, and tears - "I know it's imprudent, but I want some kind of return here, dammit!!" Haha, I realize that's pretty ridiculous even now as I type it, but I can be pretty darn thick-headed and irrational when it comes to such things.

So, how do I let it go then? One thing that helps me is to let it go by taking it back. When I'm wrapped up in some situation that's frustrating me, it's inevitably because I've surrendered the fate of my emotions to someone or something else - some kind of outcome. My emotions are mine to control - in the here & now. They are not in any way dependent on anyone or anything else. That's hard to remember when I feel invested in that outcome. Remembering that I alone control my emotions and that state of peace, happiness, and serenity is the only thing that will eventually pull me out and allow me to let go. So, I let go by taking back what's mine to control - my emotions and attitude.

Sounds reasonable enough, but it's definitely easier said than done. With lots of ongoing practice and a little help from my friends, I continue moving forward better and smarter. Progress, not perfection ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: the dust bros - this is your life

The Plague

I'm having a hard time pushing my way through Fountainhead, and so I take breaks from it by reading other books. One recent read is Camus' The Plague.

I haven't read The Plague since getting sober, and the philosophical currents present in the book were far more stimulating to me this time around. The struggle for, and subsequent path to, acceptance for the various characters each contained elements that I could closely relate to.

In one discussion between two of the main players, Tarrou is explaining his history and motivations to Rieux, and Tarrou mentions his desire become a true healer, and next equates that to attaining peace.

When Rieux questions him if he knew what the path to follow for attaining peace was, Tarrou responds, "Yes. The path of sympathy."

That struck me particularly, but not because it is such a unique idea as presented here. Certainly, that general idea is not uncommon among other great thinkers and philosophers. It was simply a timely standout reminder for me of that concept...

The biggest threat to my valued serenity and ultimate sobriety is Pride. It's no coincidence that Pride is also the deadliest of the Seven Sins. For me, pride isn't simply arrogance; more dangerously, it's unchecked self-reliance. When prideful, I begin to distance myself by withdrawing. Selfishness and ego begin to control my thoughts and actions. While this may not directly result in a return to drinking, it is a dangerous path of regression for me as a person in recovery.

My recovery is very much a one day at a time process. This is not to say it's a nail-biting, white-knuckled day-to-day struggle, rather, that is very simply how to live life on life's terms. If I wallow in the past, I am lost in selfish regrets and wasted time. If I project into the future, I am indulging too much my self-serving will. The present is where I must remain. Here is where my attention must be, because it is only in here & now where I can take right action - only now is when I have full control of my emotions and reactions. Am I at peace right now? Good question...

To me, serenity is being at true peace with myself, and at peace with others. Sympathy is certainly an excellent path. If I am to be sympathetic to others, I must surrender my self-will and pride. Thus, sympathy necessitates humility. And humility seeds gratitude. The harmonious stalwarts of humility & gratitude provide the foundation for peacefulness. These truly are the most formidable weapons against pride.

My head is a dangerous neighborhood to spend much time alone in is a phrase that I've come to understand and very much respect as I've progressed in recovery. I will always be an addict - my head will remain that dangerous place until I die. It's up to me to respect that fact and work around it until then. That's acceptance. The "working around it" is my recovery.

A work in progress...
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Now playing: beastie boys - gratitiude