Inferno!

"Midway in our life's journey, I went astray from the straight road and woke to find myself alone in a dark wood" - Dante Alighieri

Yep, me too, Dante. I know all about that...

Here and there, I've run across several Dante quotes recently, so I take that as a sign that it's time again to read The Divine Comedy. It should be interesting this time around. My concept of Hell has certainly changed a lot since I last read the series. I think I'll have a much different perspective now as I follow along Dante the Pilgrim's amazing journey; I'm excited to start. But first, I have to finish my current read ("Where Does One Go When There's No Place Left To Go?" ...I'm on a Harry Crews kick lately, I tend to do that with certain authors).

"Consider your origin; you were not born to live like brutes, but to follow virtue and knowledge." - Dante

That Dante, he's a pretty smart dude!

e.13 STS (part II.V)

My original STS is actually now a SRS-W (since e.thirteen names this series of chainguide by its backplate ID), and is now up & running. So far, so good - it looks quite gnarly and bomb-proof. I don't think I'll ever have to worry about dropping my chain (bouncing it off the ring). I'll take her on a few rides and then have final pics of Boo-Boo along with a ride report posted by mid next week.

Pookie has a new wheelset enroute (one of the used wheels that originally came with her had a catastophic hub issue, and the other one is now retired as my wheel maintenance & building practice wheel). The new ones are still a couple of weeks away, and then I'll have "final build" pics of her up as soon as possible.

Happy trails & good dirt!

Hot, but still smiling...

Today was hot. So hot that I wanted to fashion new undergarments out of the ice packs in my freezer. But I can't sew very well, so I just stuck with my usual (and sadly ineffective) heat mitigation plan: profuse sweating. Blame it on the corn.

But even with the heat, today has been a wonderful day. I was blessed with beginning a volunteer opportunity helping fellow veterans in a computer training course, and then assisted a fellow AA with a small bit of furniture moving. I truly do enjoy being of useful service to others. Volunteering & other forms of service work get me outside of my "self" and has some swell benefits. Good stuff!

My Islands of Misfit Toys

I'm coincidentally on a children's stories theme today.

In one of my recent posts on MTBR, I mentioned my "Island of Misfit Toys" bike parts box. It contains all kinds of bike parts and doo-dads that (for whatever reason) haven't passed muster to end up on one of my bikes. All of the parts are in new or just very slightly used condition. Everytime I add to or otherwise dig around in that box, I think, "One of these days, I should just sell this thing... and that thing, too...", or "One of these days, I'll use that thing for such-and-such future project...", or even "Sheesh, where did THIS thing come from?!?"

The truth is that I just stash away perfectly good & useful stuff in there, and then don't ever do anything productive with it.

Am I doing these very same things with certain aspects of my recovery program too? I'm certain I am, and this is something I'm going to focus on this week - begin to map out and responsibly address my own recovery journey's "Island of Misfit Toys".

Now, back to those bike parts... I guess I could start taking pics of the stuff to post on eBay. Meh, I'll start doing all that tomorrow ;)

A work in progress...

Bisy Backson

I am reminded of one of my favorite Pooh stories once in a while when I deal with certain personality types. It always brings a smile to my face, and thus helps me put things back in proper perspective. This is an excerpt from "The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh", chapter 5...

"Bother!" said Rabbit. "He's gone out." He went back to the green front door, just to make sure, and he was turning away, feeling that his morning had got all spoilt, when he saw a piece of paper on the ground. And there was a pin in it, as if it had fallen off the door.
"Ha!" said Rabbit, feeling quite happy again. "Another notice!" This is what it said:

GON OUT
BACKSON
BISY
BACKSON
C. R.

"Ha!" said Rabbit again. "I must tell the others." And he hurried off importantly.
The nearest house was Owl's, and to Owl's House in the Hundred Acre wood he made his way. He came to Owl's door, and he knocked and he rang, and he rang and he knocked, and at last Owl's head came out and said "Go away, I'm thinking--oh, it's you?" which was how he always began. "Owl," said Rabbit shortly, "you and I have brains. The others have fluff. If there is any thinking to be done in this Forest - and when I say thinking I mean thinking - you and I must do it."
"Yes," said Owl. "I was."
"Read that."
Owl took Christopher Robin's notice from Rabbit and looked at it nervously. He could spell his own name WOL, and he could spell Tuesday so that you knew it wasn't Wednesday, and he could read quite comfortably when you weren't looking over his shoulder and saying "Well?" all the time, and he could----
"Well?" said Rabbit.
"Yes," said Owl, looking Wise and Thoughtful.
"I see what you mean. Undoubtedly."
"Well?"
"Exactly," said Owl. "Precisely." And he added, after a little thought, "If you had not come to me, I should have come to you."
"Why?" asked Rabbit.
"For that very reason," said Owl, hoping that something helpful would happen soon.
"Yesterday morning," said Rabbit solemnly, "I went to see Christopher Robin. He was out. Pinned on his door was a notice!"
"The same notice?"
"A different one. But the meaning was the same. It's very odd."
"Amazing," said Owl, looking at the notice again, and getting, just for a moment, a curious sort of feeling that something had happened to Christopher Robin's back. "What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"The best thing," said Owl wisely.
"Well?" said Rabbit again, as Owl knew he was going to.
"Exactly," said Owl.
For a little while he couldn't think of anything more; and then, all of a sudden, he had an idea.
"Tell me, Rabbit," he said, "the exact words of the first notice. This is very important. Everything depends on this. The exact words of the first notice."
"It was just the same as that one really."
Owl looked at him, and wondered whether to push him off the tree; but, feeling that he could always do it afterwards, he tried once more to find out what they were talking about.
"The exact words, please" he said, as if Rabbit hadn't spoken.
"It just said, 'Gone out. Backson.' Same as this, only this says 'Bisy Backson' too."
Owl gave a great sigh of relief.
"Ah!" said Owl. "Now we know where we are."
"Yes, but where's Christopher Robin?" said Rabbit.
"That's the point."
Owl looked at the notice again. To one of his education the reading of it was easy. "Gone out, Backson. Bisy, Backson"-- just the sort of thing you'd expect to see on a notice.
"It is quite clear what has happened, my dear Rabbit," he said. "Christopher Robin has gone out somewhere with Backson. He and Backson are busy together. Have you seen a Backson anywhere about in the Forest lately?"
"I don't know," said Rabbit. "That's what I came to ask you. What are they like?"
"Well," said Owl, "the Spotted or Herbaceous Backson is just a--"
"At least," he said, "it's really more of a----"
"Of course," he said, "it depends on the----"
"Well," said Owl, "the fact is," he said, "I don't know what they're like," said Owl frankly.
"Thank you," said Rabbit. And he hurried off to see Pooh.

Running around

So, I've been doing more long-distance running than my usual daily jog again lately. I go back-and-forth (no pun intended) about getting really serious with training for another marathon. I've only run one - the 1994 Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) in Washington DC. That was an absolute blast, even though it rained the entire time. And, yep, that was the one Oprah ran in too. I beat her, but not by much! Ugh.



Sheesh, I look about as good as I was feeling in those pics! Good times, good times...

It's a goal of mine to do another marathon, but it's not going to happen this year. I'd love to do the MCM again - it's always a great course, and not crazy with too many hills and such. But, the Twin Cities or Grandma's would be closer to home. We'll see!

e.13 STS (part II)

Yep, that STS backplate won't work. Imagine that, e.thirteen was right all along! Whodah thunk it? So, a backplate exchange (for a SRS-W) is in the works. Meh, what's another few days, anyway? *sigh* Stayed tuned for Part Drei...

Happy trails & good dirt!

Past Lives

I do get reminiscent about flying the mighty Herk once in a while. The local Guard & Reserve units' formation departures & recoveries go right over my place, so I get to hear "The Four Fans Of Freedom" on a regular basis . I like it. It reminds me of where I've been and how far I've come.

As a USAF Weapons School graduate, I was ever reminded to "be the humble servant". Today, that term has new meaning for me, and it is still something I strive for in this new life. I am proud of the work I did in the Air Force, and of everything I accomplished while in service.

Someone once asked me, "If you could go back and change anything, what would it be?" I thought hard about it - there seemed to be no end to the obvious candidates! But I said, "Nothing. I wouldn't change a thing." My journey thus far has been very difficult at times, but I must trust there is a greater overall purpose to all of it. Just because it's not all clear to me yet (and may never be completely), I feel that all of my experiences - good & bad - serve an important purpose. I need to be open to learning as much as I can, and must continue to grow as a stronger and better person. Today, I am on that path. Today, I am a blessed & very grateful recovering alcoholic.

A work in progress...

What to say?

Not long ago, a very good friend passed along to me some of the best advice I've ever heard. Yes, "The Golden Rule" and "just do the next right thing" are all well & good, and certainly are noble & sage guidance, but this bit I like even better. It's more tangible to me - easier to wrap my head around...

So often, it is our frustrations in dealing with others that puts us off balance or otherwise off our desired path. When you have something to say to another person, first consider these three questions: Is what I have to say honest? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

With "honest", that doesn't mean it must be absolutely true, if such a thing can't be determined. But is it heartfelt? Is it said with no selfish or self-serving motivations? Is it sincere?

With "kind", that doesn't mean it has to be sugar-coated or watered-down. But is it said without sarcasm? Without arrogance? Without ridicule, unjustified anger, spite, or resentment?

With "necessary", that's rather self-explanatory. Do I really have something of value or assistance to say, or am I just talking to inflate my own ego (in my own eyes and/or other's) or otherwise fill empty space? Am I being clear? Is my message being lost in too much "fluff"?

I'm working hard to integrate this into my life, and the results are sublime when I do - for me, other people, and the circumstance at hand. It is an amazingly helpful tool. But I still often fall well short; this deceptively simple sanity check can be swiftly railroaded by any of the 7 deadly sins when I'm not diligent. But for today, I'm grateful to have it and I will continue to practice its use.

A work in progress...

Relationships

Relationships have been something on my mind a lot lately. More so than usual, and that's quite a bit to begin with. But all that goes with recovery and working a program.

Two relationships in particular have occupied a lot of time in my thoughts recently. Both are ex-girlfriends. My recent attempt to making amends with one of them didn't go well. We have not had any kind of relationship since I got sober, and I approached my opportunity to offer amends as simply that - to be accountable for my hurtful & selfish actions and to offer my sincere apology. I didn't expect to receive forgiveness, and tried to keep the conversation focused solely on the things appropriate to my offering amends and helpful to her own recovery. But my delivery was rebuffed overall as insincere, evasive, and begrudging. Was I too inflexible & selfish, too protective & defensive in my attempt and delivery? I don't believe so, but that is how I was perceived. In the end & overall, I feel I was true and honest to my program and the boundaries needed for my sobriety, and so I am at complete peace with my part. I am now more confident than ever that the best answer for me to continue moving forward is to go my separate way from her. I pray that she finds greater peace.

I don't know if I'll ever have any communication with the other woman. It's not something in my control. When I first got sober, she asked that any future contact between us would only be initiated by her, and I agreed. I would like to hear from her (just as a friend) and occasionally even think about contacting her. But I quickly realize that I have no idea what effect that may have on her. For me to initiate contact would be complete selfishness, period dot. When I think such things, I've learned to recognize it as a need to redouble my efforts at focusing on my own growth, and not waste time & energy with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thinking. And it's a reminder to "let go & let God" - that's always great advice, and doing so never fails to put right my focus & perspective, and bring me peace.

In the 12x12 (p53), we are reminded that while in our active addiction, "(a) primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being". I would like to think I knew how to have those "true" partnerships & relationships at some point in my life, but lost that ability in my active addiction. However, perhaps I never did possess that ability. Regardless, I have been (still am, and always will be) learning how to better be in trusting, sincere, and open mutual relationships of all kinds.

I have always been a rather introverted and fiercely independent person, and all that played extremely well into my addiction. As I go forward now, I must tread carefully to not use this aspect of who I am as an excuse or barrier to being a better partner, family member, friend, and coworker.

I was an extraordinarily selfish person in my active addiction, and I am still an extremely selfish person in my recovery, but differently. My sobriety is THE most important thing in my life. I am intensely protective of it at seemingly any cost, but at what true expense? I must honestly & regularly challenge myself with that question. Am I comfortable? Too comfortable? What can I be more sharing of and less protective/defensive about now that I have established foundation and steady progress in my personal recovery? I know a better middle ground exists where I can let these hard-fought-and-won protective walls down more, but I'm not at that point in all of my relationships yet. It's something I must not neglect as a goal to work towards, or be otherwise complacent in. I am finally (after so many long years) at peace with myself, but I must endeavor to be more comfortable sharing my own strength, hope, & experience with those I care about and who care about me (outside of AA). I know that's a key which will unlock further betterment & so many more wonderful things for me, then why is it so hard to do sometimes?

A work in progress...

e.13 STS (part I)

Nuts! Boo-Boo is going to have to wait until Monday for the next experiment in perfecting her ever-deepening money pit of a 1x9 drivetrain. Scheduled UPS delivery yesterday was slipped due to some flooded local train tracks. Or that's what they told me, anyhow. Who knows. And those kinda raw deals (weather, schmeather!) are always on a Friday delivery - it never fails. Serenity NOW!

I'm anxious to see if I can get an e.thirteen STS chain guide to play on the Blur's VPP frame or not (e.13 doesn't think so, but I want to check it out and they are curious to hear what I come up with), and was looking forward to having this weekend to play around with it. It looks soooo close thus far (half assembled), but until I get that new chainring, I'm just getting teased staring at it hanging in the stand. I'll post pics when I get the mods complete (one of these days!).

I must say that the Panaracer Cinder is a beast of a tire - I just mounted a 2.25 up front on Boo-Boo, and I can't wait to try it out. I know already that I'm either going to love it, or completely hate it. And I thought Pookie's Rampage had some hella knobs goin' on, but that Cinder is a real piece of work!

And "so far, so good" with the Nokon & Avid Full Metal Jacket frankenhousing I installed for Boo-Boo's transmission. I think that'll be a long-lasting winner of a combo. I'm quite pleased with how well that turned out.



Happy trails & good dirt!