Full circle
Admittedly, one reason I started this blog was as a response to a certain someone who was stating (what I considered to be at the time) unfair and negative things about me – about the person I was when I was in my active alcoholism.
And now, my final post here concerns similar things from that same person yet again. I would like to make it clear that my decision to stop posting on this blog and this particular topic are truly coincidental, but the timing of it all is interesting, no? God indeed works in mysterious ways…
What she's been saying about me this whole time can be found here.
So, why would I choose to highlight this or otherwise respond (yet again!) to all of this? Is this really healthy for me to do so? Good question – I'm not sure (to be honest), but I feel the following is important for me to get out in the open.
Some things she discusses in that link are true. So, I feel an obligation to be openly accountable for those things. My intent here is not to fight or explain away what she says, but rather to acknowledge they are out there, and responsibly address the main points. In this way, I think she is actually perhaps doing me a great favor...
In my recovery, I have found that one of my most difficult struggles is trying to determine how much of my past alcoholic behaviors are appropriate to disclose to who, and when. I have gone back-and-forth with what I consider to be appropriate, and who should know what. There is no one "right" answer here. However, from experience, I do know that wrong answers here certainly do exist.
So, while I have refrained from disclosing what I'm now about to for a long time because I didn't think it was appropriate to shotgun out to this oh-so-vast internet… well, here it is. If my past behaviors are going to be dissected by someone else in websites and forums, then I feel I must to somehow respond.
So how? I'll discuss some generalities of what is said in that link, but I won't go into bloody detail – I know that's not appropriate for this particular forum. For now, I'll say what I think is appropriate as a response – please know that you are welcome to ask me for more info & details, but also please respect that I may not oblige you if I don't feel it's fitting to do so…
I was a real dog in terms of being a boyfriend, son, brother, and decent man when I was in my active alcoholism. No gray areas there at all. I was a total dog. I lied, I cheated, and I deceived. All in an effort to protect the number one concern in life at the time – my addiction. Everything was sacrificed to protect it – my morality, my values, my work ethic, and my integrity. My emotional, spiritual, and physical health were all sacrificed to satiate my deformed and broken ego which was solely fueled by my drug of choice – booze.
How did this all happen? I am convinced I was born an alcoholic, and that it was just a matter of time before I would eventually contend with it. My drinking career started typically as most did, and I drank (arguably) normally for several years before my drinking began to transform into excessive drinking, then problem drinking, and finally all-consuming addiction. That transformation was not sudden – it took several years. During that time, my morality deteriorated right along with it. All quite insidiously…
That's how addiction is most effective - the insidiousness. The slow decline allows the disease to get a hold of your mind and reassure you that what is so plainly going horribly wrong is, in fact, A-OK. You're not the problem – they all are. They are, along with everything else. Everyone and everything is all lined up against you, it seems. These feelings of "they just don't understand..." serve to further isolate you from available help and clear vision. That's exactly what the disease wants to have happen. When it can get you alone and unplugged from everyone & everything else, the real destruction begins. If you've ever read C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, you'll understand exactly what I mean.
Addiction is a most evil and sinister disease – I would contend it's the cruelest disease out there – not only will it eventually kill you, but you'll welcome physical death when it comes because, by then, you have already been rendered spiritually, morally, and emotionally dead. No other disease in existence destroys a human being so cruelly - so wholly and completely - as addiction.
My own experience can be best described as a downward spiral of bad action – guilt – bad action – guilt – etc. When my drinking first became excessive, I had to start the lies to cover up my actions. They began as small, white lies. Soon, I needed more than lies to cover up my actions – I needed deception. I was not only lying to cover up my tracks, I was now putting up a preemptive smokescreen so no one knew what was happening. So, the slide down that slippery slope begins…
Allow me to stop here and address a point – I talk of addiction as a disease, but it's not my intent to paint myself simply as a poor victim of some horrible disease I had no choice to eventually succumb to. This is an ongoing hot-button point of debate in both medical and recovery circles – if it's a disease, that then implies we are somehow not responsible for our choices as active addicts. That's certainly not what I believe, but further explanation would fill volumes, so I won't get into it now. In short, I do believe it’s a disease, but I would never say that I was not 100% responsible for all of the poor choices I made – I want to be exceedingly clear about that.
Back on point… The evolution of lies to lies & deception found me digging myself into an ever-deepening hole. We have a saying in recovery: When you are digging yourself into a hole, the first step is to stop digging. However, that never occurred to me. The disease already had its talons deep in my head – I was convinced that I could dig myself out laterally with "just a few" more lies and deception "to get me out of this one thing here", but that only got me deeper. Of course, that's no surprise to most of you dear readers…
And so the self-loathing begins. It's around that point when an addict usually first sees a glimpse of what is truly happening to them. The disease is particularly cruel in this way: Not only does it slowly destroy all of you – it also gives you an occasional glimpse of the reality of things as you progress deeper – just long enough for you to become very frightened & hopeless about what's happening, but not long enough that you can steel your will to take proper and right action.
So, the self-loathing… Your faint awareness of what's going on begins to send you into a state of depression. Hopelessness sets in. This is when you really begin to detach from your environment in earnest. The cycle of bad action – guilt begins to spiral down more violently, because – more and more - your drug of choice becomes involved in everything you do. Even if not actively using, your thoughts are still consumed with it. It seems to be the only escape – you know full-well you are in that hole - you may have already given up hope of ever getting out, and now the only thing that takes away the pain is the drug. And so you self-medicate with it as much as you possibly can.
Back to me now… Like all addicts, I had grand thoughts that I could have my cake and eat it too. I thought I could control my "small and only sometimes problem", and still have a successful, happy life. And I tried like hell to make that happen. I tried everything. For many years, I tried. And let me reaffirm that to any skeptical addict out there reading – it can't be done, my friend. Addiction is in no way compatible with sincere happiness.
But I tried. The lies and deceptions grew in size and number. And the drinking increased proportionately both in cause and effect. Can you see how this is a vicious circle? "Why not just step out of it?" or "Why didn't you reach for, or accept any help?", you may reasonably ask. Because the disease won't allow you do those things – those things are a threat to the disease, and it won't tolerate them. Again, I'll refer you to The Screwtape Letters for perspective.
Let's discuss my cheating. In my circumstance, I was involved in a long-term, long-distance relationship. That allowed me to live a double-life with varying degrees of success for quite a while. I could indulge my addict, and still play the part of got-it-all-together boyfriend. Afterall, I had a successful job, nice car, comfortable home, etc, etc. How could I be a mess if I had all those things, and (what I thought was) a successful relationship too? Well, addiction is a very greedy disease – it doesn't like to share any attention. It's simply a matter of time before it will consume everything else in you life, and that's what happened. As that was occurring, I still would get those fleeting glimpses of clarity, and they would only serve to increase my despair. I consoled myself that I still had a good job, a car in the garage, a roof over my head, etc. And although (in my moments of clarity) I knew the relationship was increasingly a sham as a result of drinking, I thought I was still doing OK because I had "a relationship" happening.
Soon, my diseased ego needed more stroking than just my own muddled assurances and rationalizations. I needed to feel that I was still attractive and desirable. By this point, my girlfriend knew much of what was happening, and I still tried to deny everything and placate her as much as I could. I was stuck in a bad place – if I admitted to her what was happening, I would risk losing my one true love (alcohol), but if I let her go, I would be acknowledging that things were really falling apart – in that case, it would be undeniable (even to crazy me!) that I was unable to maintain my "happy" life and still drink. Of course, this was lunacy – my life was already a total mess at that point. Little more than shoestring and bubble-gum were holding together my shell of an existence, and yet somehow, I kept my job, my home, my car, etc. "See! I still have all that!!!", I said to myself. Ugh. I know it's insane. The disease of addiction is defined by insanity. Clinical and verifiable.
So, I fed my ego by "dating" locally while in Japan. Since I was in no shape to be a true boyfriend to anyone, this "dating" was little more than short-lived physical trysts. But they temporarily filled a void – I construed those relationships as a indication that I was still desirable. However, just one relationship wasn't ever good enough – it didn't ever quite satisfy the ego completely. So there would be more relationships in an effort to satiate my rotten ego. Yet another downward spiral… Insanity can be defined as "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results each time". Insane. This disease is insane. And all this time, I was still in a "relationship" with the one girl back in The States.
Then, prior to coming back to The States, I found a woman I cared for very much. I was convinced that she was the one who would get me through the disease finally. Of course, I never told her that – I knew she would run like hell if she knew the truth about me, and rightly so! So began a new game of trying to juggle "happy life" and addiction. If only I could be a better person for her, it would all be OK… That, of course, wasn't ever going to happen if I could not be accountable and honest about my situation.
Such a quandary… What's a drunk to do? Keep on juggling, because that's all a hopeless drunk can do.
So I did. Even when I returned to The States, I kept juggling – and now I had quite an act going on… I was now back home with the original girlfriend, and had the other one long-distance. Wracked with guilt, I half-heartedly tried to patch things up with the original girlfriend by involving her in an out-patient alcohol treatment program I attended. But I wasn't ready to give up drinking despite the state I was in, so there was no possibility of me being capable of making things right. Especially since I was still involved with the other girl long-distance (she didn't know any of this was happening back home – about the original girlfriend or any of that). I then had a brilliant idea (or so I thought) – I could have the "happy life" and my drinking because I could go back to the ol' "double-life" game with the new long-distance girlfriend! I simply had to get the original girlfriend out of the picture. Crazy, ain't it? But that takes me back to that earlier predicament – how do I break things off with her without acknowledging why? Afterall, that endangers my beloved addiction. As it turns out, my addiction did it for me – she caught me drinking, and although I denied it up & down, the circumstance was excuse enough for me to terminate the relationship. That was very early February 2006 - about 3 years ago.
Ahhh, I thought I was pretty home-free then… Now, I have the new long-distance girlfriend (who knew none of what happened), and my true love (booze). The hope to get my act together "for her!" was renewed. But that was the problem. I pinned my hopes of getting better on her, not on me.
You see, an addict will never truly get well until they decide to do it for themselves – they must hit that infamous bottom. And this concept of "the bottom"? It's a crock of shit. There is no bottom until you are six feet under. And, depending on your religious beliefs, that then may really be the start of your problems! Until you're dead, there's always further to fall, trust me! But I digress. I wanted to get better for her (which is a fine thought, and perhaps a nice start), but not for me – so there could never be true success. Only juggling.
Although I had long lost any sincere spirituality, I did occasionally pray asking God to find a way out of this disease for me. The sad part was that I just wanted to be helped, but I wasn't willing to help myself. That’s an all-important distinction to keep in mind as I continue here.
So, my "bottom" (if you will)… I had driven out to see my girlfriend out-of-state. My family didn't know about this girl, so I had to make the trip in secret. I told them I was going camping by myself up north for the week. I stayed sober the entire time I was with her (I don't know how I pulled that off – I'm sure I was shaking violently most of the time), but I sure drank hard on the way home. I stopped for the night in the middle of Nebraska, and drank pretty much the entire night. I slept maybe for a couple of hours before heading out at around 6 am. Still drunk at ~7 am on July 1st '06, I fell asleep at the wheel on I-80, and went into & through the divided highway median. Since it was ditch-shaped, I launched out of it and rolled the car, totaling it. Gratefully, there was no traffic in the oncoming lanes I sailed through, or I surely would've killed all of us. They say the car rolled 4 or 5 times before stopping. It was mostly flattened, but somehow landed upright. In typical drunk fashion, I crawled out of the mashed wreckage completely unscathed. I was taken to the local county jail and processed for DUI.
Talk about a sobering experience... Here I was in podunk Nebraska county jail for DUI #3 in my drinking & driving career, and no one had any clue where I was or what I was up to. The girlfriend I just left believed that I'd given up drinking months before, and my family thought I was camping in MN. To say I was suddenly at a low point is a gross understatement.
I became suicidal in my despair. But they make those jailhouse drunk tanks awfully darn hurt-proof (I was in there by myself – after all, it was early morning!). My ingenious idea was that I'd fashion my woolen blanket into a rope and then somehow attach it to the toilet, and "hang" myself my leaning out from it. As I had the blanket wrapped around my neck and was trying to figure out how to attach it to the toilet, I was literally stopped - God spoke to me then & there. I swear it. He said, clear as a bell: "I am once again offering you an answer to your prayers – you have a very, very clear choice before you. Is that truly the final choice you want to make?" And I stopped. I just sat back and took it in. And I knew that wasn't the choice I wanted to make. I wanted to choose life, and I accepted that that path would be the hardest thing I've ever done, but for the first time ever, I felt the strength and will to do it. And I actually smiled, sitting there next to the toilet with the blanket wrapped around my neck. I finally chose life, and I was filled with an indescribable peace. At that very moment, I felt God remove the obsession and lift the fog & despair from me. It was a true miracle, and it was simply amazing.
But, that also happened to be when a deputy checked in on me and put 2'n'2 together about what it appeared I was trying to do. I tried to explain, but I'm sure it all sounded plain crazy, so off to the loony bin I went. Errr, I mean "psychiatric facility". Yes, I am crazy, and I now have the paperwork to prove it! I spent several days there before I was finally released to return to MN for in-patient treatment before going to trial. Some long, hard phone calls ensued over those next days – having to explain to my worried-sick parents what happened, having to confess the situation to the girlfriend, etc. But these were the very necessary first steps to becoming accountable for my past actions – my recovery would never be a success without honesty and accountability.
In-patient treatment through the VA was great, my amazing family was (and still is - thank you!) wonderfully supportive, and I then returned to NE to responsibly handle my court-related obligations and sentencing.
The rest, as they say, is history – by God's grace, life in recovery has been very good to me.
However, at that time, one looming thing remained…
The girlfriend I had visited never knew about the original girlfriend. None of it. And I sure wasn't planning to tell her. Although she understandably didn't want to date me anymore (go figure!), she was willing to remain friends. I selfishly didn't want to jeopardize that by disclosing about the other girl. Long story short, the other girl ended up getting involved and she told the newer girlfriend e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I was upset at first, but then I realized she did me a favor – she forced my hand to be accountable. I was being selfish trying to still hide some deep, dark secrets, but that simply wouldn't do – as long as I did that, I left a small refuge for my scheming addictive nature to lurk in. So, that all was actually a blessing. Over time, the newer girlfriend accepted my amends (but we have no contact at her request). The original girlfriend has clearly not accepted my amends, but that's her choice.
Now, I'm back today in similar straits again… That old girlfriend is still on her quest to make sure that all women of the world know about my deplorable past, so I wanted to share some of my story openly here. Yes, there are admittedly many details I've left out, and certainly some things said in her posts that I have chosen not to address or acknowledge. And that's appropriate for now. This is answer enough for the time being.
One final thing. It's all a matter of public record, but I wish to acknowledge here & now that I do have 3 DUIs total. I have paid my debt to society for those, and they are now part of my past. I am truly grateful that I didn't hurt anyone when I was drinking & driving the thousands of times I did it. I realize that's shocking and inexcusable to most of you out there – and fully understandably so. "How could you?!?", you may ask. Please don't make the mistake of trying to "figure out" or otherwise attempt to make any sense of the choices an addict makes – it simply can't be done. My only concern was feeding my addiction & ego – that controlled everything I did and thought, and none of that can be satisfactorily rationalized. It's yet another cruel twist of the disease…
Perhaps I truly am a bad person at my core. Maybe that "active-alcoholic me" is indeed the "real me", and that's who I truly am. Perhaps I only enjoy a respite from being that rotten seed by staying active in recovery. I don't know the answers to all that, but I do know this: ongoing sincere and rigorous dedication to the 12 Steps of AA, and having a personal & real relationship with God as I understand Him are THE keys to me being that good and decent man. As long as I hold those things near & dear to me, I know I will humbly succeed in all areas of life. Sobriety is – and always must be - the #1 priority in my life; if I lose that, everything else will crumble in very short order. Wondering who I "really" am is completely unimportant when I well know what it is required of me to be a good man. That's what matters – and, by God's grace, that path is clear to me today.
I may still make some mistakes as I proceed, but I'm on my way. See you out there!
A work in progress - always & forever...
EDIT: I have enabled "comment moderation" because I will not allow responses (which have been attempted) from that certain individual. She is malevolent; in my presence, I will not tolerate her unreasonable instigation here, or at any other time. All others are certainly welcome to comment; thank you for your understanding.
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Now playing: U2 - grace
