Relationships

Relationships have been something on my mind a lot lately. More so than usual, and that's quite a bit to begin with. But all that goes with recovery and working a program.

Two relationships in particular have occupied a lot of time in my thoughts recently. Both are ex-girlfriends. My recent attempt to making amends with one of them didn't go well. We have not had any kind of relationship since I got sober, and I approached my opportunity to offer amends as simply that - to be accountable for my hurtful & selfish actions and to offer my sincere apology. I didn't expect to receive forgiveness, and tried to keep the conversation focused solely on the things appropriate to my offering amends and helpful to her own recovery. But my delivery was rebuffed overall as insincere, evasive, and begrudging. Was I too inflexible & selfish, too protective & defensive in my attempt and delivery? I don't believe so, but that is how I was perceived. In the end & overall, I feel I was true and honest to my program and the boundaries needed for my sobriety, and so I am at complete peace with my part. I am now more confident than ever that the best answer for me to continue moving forward is to go my separate way from her. I pray that she finds greater peace.

I don't know if I'll ever have any communication with the other woman. It's not something in my control. When I first got sober, she asked that any future contact between us would only be initiated by her, and I agreed. I would like to hear from her (just as a friend) and occasionally even think about contacting her. But I quickly realize that I have no idea what effect that may have on her. For me to initiate contact would be complete selfishness, period dot. When I think such things, I've learned to recognize it as a need to redouble my efforts at focusing on my own growth, and not waste time & energy with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thinking. And it's a reminder to "let go & let God" - that's always great advice, and doing so never fails to put right my focus & perspective, and bring me peace.

In the 12x12 (p53), we are reminded that while in our active addiction, "(a) primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being". I would like to think I knew how to have those "true" partnerships & relationships at some point in my life, but lost that ability in my active addiction. However, perhaps I never did possess that ability. Regardless, I have been (still am, and always will be) learning how to better be in trusting, sincere, and open mutual relationships of all kinds.

I have always been a rather introverted and fiercely independent person, and all that played extremely well into my addiction. As I go forward now, I must tread carefully to not use this aspect of who I am as an excuse or barrier to being a better partner, family member, friend, and coworker.

I was an extraordinarily selfish person in my active addiction, and I am still an extremely selfish person in my recovery, but differently. My sobriety is THE most important thing in my life. I am intensely protective of it at seemingly any cost, but at what true expense? I must honestly & regularly challenge myself with that question. Am I comfortable? Too comfortable? What can I be more sharing of and less protective/defensive about now that I have established foundation and steady progress in my personal recovery? I know a better middle ground exists where I can let these hard-fought-and-won protective walls down more, but I'm not at that point in all of my relationships yet. It's something I must not neglect as a goal to work towards, or be otherwise complacent in. I am finally (after so many long years) at peace with myself, but I must endeavor to be more comfortable sharing my own strength, hope, & experience with those I care about and who care about me (outside of AA). I know that's a key which will unlock further betterment & so many more wonderful things for me, then why is it so hard to do sometimes?

A work in progress...