Training in progress: Step back & think

What's been gnawing at me lately is my idling over certain other peoples' perceptions of me. I'm still rather baffled as to why I'm particularly sensitive to this lately... However, the 12x12 discussion of Step 10 gives me a lot of comfort. NOTE: That Step 10 link isn't to the actual 12x12 text - it's just given to provide some background on Step 10...

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." (12x12, p90)

It is always good to be reminded of this wise truth. This can be a very difficult pill to swallow at times, but true healing and forward growth cannot happen if I do not first take honest accountability & ownership of my role in things.

"Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not … Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely." (12x12, p90)

Haha, I love that line: "…Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people…" So true! It's very easy for me to forget this, and the all-too-predictable bum results unfailingly reinforce this truth. Progress, not perfection ;)

"Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating … We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby-traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think" (12x12, p91)

This definitely speaks to the heart of my recent discontentment. I've seen The Promises steadily fulfilled in my life, and I suppose that's why the sting of others' continued resentments towards me are all the more biting now than when I was in my early sobriety. "What more can they possibly expect from me?!?" is typical of the garbage in my head recently. I know that I have truly changed - why do I find myself now suddenly so perturbed with what other people say about me? There are some people who will never accept the possibility that I've changed, and I must not allow myself be concerned by them. They are ill-intentioned & poisonous - engaging them invariably brings out the worst of my own character defects. And they then (of course) relish that I took the bait, and flaunt any hasty & rash reactions of mine.

Indeed, this is an issue for me only so long as I allow it to be. Self-restraint is still absolutely a character defect of mine that needs attention & work. I must stay removed from these people who wish to do me harm and see me fail. No good can come from interacting with them in any manner; I need to sidestep these traps. There is simply nothing left there for me to "fix". Trying to actively convince someone (through dialogue) that I've "changed" is absolutely the most ineffective way of trying to accomplish such a thing. For those affected by my alcoholism, the best possible thing I can do to demonstrate the sincerity of my change is living my life soberly, spiritually, and in accordance with the 12 Steps to the best of my ability.

I am not perfect and I do stumble. But, nothing so bad that I've ever considered drinking over it. I do at times struggle (sometimes slightly, and sometimes mightily) to maintain my serenity, composure, and steady progress; however, I am grateful to have God, my family, the fellowship of AA & the 12 Steps to assist me. I must simply remain willing.

"An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we seek" (12x12, p95)

A work in progress…
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