Expectations

...is the topic for today. Admittedly, it's a topic I've blogged about in the past; however, like so many of life's challenges, it's one I face routinely, and rarely in the same form.

My favorite saying on the subject is: Expectations are just resentments in the making. So true!

The area where I am most often bruised by expectations is in personal relationships, so I'll focus there.

I must choose friends and potential partners carefully, and be careful not compromise or yield too much. This is rarely easy, especially in the early stages. Even if things start off very well, I must be wary not to concede my standards in an effort to be accommodating, or be otherwise agreeable. Being overly compliant is where I typically get myself in bad straits.

When I become frustrated with other's behaviors, I must ask myself: Are they not living up to standards and behaviors that have been mutually discussed & agreed upon, or are they not living up to standards and behaviors that I myself have imposed upon them?

More often than not, it's the latter. In that case, I must be brutally honest with myself about my motivations. Are my concerns truly reasonable? If I feel they are, I must be brave enough to peaceably voice my concerns, and not let any resentments build & fester. Or am I seeking self-glorification, unreasonable attention, or being otherwise just plain selfish? If so, I must become accountable for my role and adjust my attitude. Often times, this most appropriately requires the help of the other person - their feedback, perspective, and support can provide me great insight.

However, in some circumstances, I am left in an undesirable situation - after honest assessment, I determine the relationship (friendship or otherwise) is not a healthy one for me to maintain. I compromise too much of my own standards in an effort to keep things afloat. I want to be clear on one point - this does not necessarily mean that the other person is 'bad' or otherwise somehow undesirably deficient. It often just means that we are too different in how we approach things - our standards are not congruent.

What to do next depends on the particular situation. To find the greatest peace for myself, all I can do is be honest with the other person and attempt to discuss the situation. This may be met with varying degrees of success, but it's a step I must take to be accountable and forthright. Just walking away bitter and feeling hurt is never a healthy option, even though I may (at the time) feel such action is justified to teach them a lesson or something equally selfish & defensive. Although such thinking is a classic, red-flag slippery slope to anyone in recovery, alas, I am only human, and am not immune to it. I can't necessarily stop such a thought from popping up, but I can certainly choose not to take action on it ;)

A work in progress...
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Now playing: new radicals - get what you give