Full circle

Admittedly, one reason I started this blog was as a response to a certain someone who was stating (what I considered to be at the time) unfair and negative things about me – about the person I was when I was in my active alcoholism.

And now, my final post here concerns similar things from that same person yet again. I would like to make it clear that my decision to stop posting on this blog and this particular topic are truly coincidental, but the timing of it all is interesting, no? God indeed works in mysterious ways…

What she's been saying about me this whole time can be found here.

So, why would I choose to highlight this or otherwise respond (yet again!) to all of this? Is this really healthy for me to do so? Good question – I'm not sure (to be honest), but I feel the following is important for me to get out in the open.

Some things she discusses in that link are true. So, I feel an obligation to be openly accountable for those things. My intent here is not to fight or explain away what she says, but rather to acknowledge they are out there, and responsibly address the main points. In this way, I think she is actually perhaps doing me a great favor...

In my recovery, I have found that one of my most difficult struggles is trying to determine how much of my past alcoholic behaviors are appropriate to disclose to who, and when. I have gone back-and-forth with what I consider to be appropriate, and who should know what. There is no one "right" answer here. However, from experience, I do know that wrong answers here certainly do exist.

So, while I have refrained from disclosing what I'm now about to for a long time because I didn't think it was appropriate to shotgun out to this oh-so-vast internet… well, here it is. If my past behaviors are going to be dissected by someone else in websites and forums, then I feel I must to somehow respond.

So how? I'll discuss some generalities of what is said in that link, but I won't go into bloody detail – I know that's not appropriate for this particular forum. For now, I'll say what I think is appropriate as a response – please know that you are welcome to ask me for more info & details, but also please respect that I may not oblige you if I don't feel it's fitting to do so…

I was a real dog in terms of being a boyfriend, son, brother, and decent man when I was in my active alcoholism. No gray areas there at all. I was a total dog. I lied, I cheated, and I deceived. All in an effort to protect the number one concern in life at the time – my addiction. Everything was sacrificed to protect it – my morality, my values, my work ethic, and my integrity. My emotional, spiritual, and physical health were all sacrificed to satiate my deformed and broken ego which was solely fueled by my drug of choice – booze.

How did this all happen? I am convinced I was born an alcoholic, and that it was just a matter of time before I would eventually contend with it. My drinking career started typically as most did, and I drank (arguably) normally for several years before my drinking began to transform into excessive drinking, then problem drinking, and finally all-consuming addiction. That transformation was not sudden – it took several years. During that time, my morality deteriorated right along with it. All quite insidiously…

That's how addiction is most effective - the insidiousness. The slow decline allows the disease to get a hold of your mind and reassure you that what is so plainly going horribly wrong is, in fact, A-OK. You're not the problem – they all are. They are, along with everything else. Everyone and everything is all lined up against you, it seems. These feelings of "they just don't understand..." serve to further isolate you from available help and clear vision. That's exactly what the disease wants to have happen. When it can get you alone and unplugged from everyone & everything else, the real destruction begins. If you've ever read C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, you'll understand exactly what I mean.

Addiction is a most evil and sinister disease – I would contend it's the cruelest disease out there – not only will it eventually kill you, but you'll welcome physical death when it comes because, by then, you have already been rendered spiritually, morally, and emotionally dead. No other disease in existence destroys a human being so cruelly - so wholly and completely - as addiction.

My own experience can be best described as a downward spiral of bad action – guilt – bad action – guilt – etc. When my drinking first became excessive, I had to start the lies to cover up my actions. They began as small, white lies. Soon, I needed more than lies to cover up my actions – I needed deception. I was not only lying to cover up my tracks, I was now putting up a preemptive smokescreen so no one knew what was happening. So, the slide down that slippery slope begins…

Allow me to stop here and address a point – I talk of addiction as a disease, but it's not my intent to paint myself simply as a poor victim of some horrible disease I had no choice to eventually succumb to. This is an ongoing hot-button point of debate in both medical and recovery circles – if it's a disease, that then implies we are somehow not responsible for our choices as active addicts. That's certainly not what I believe, but further explanation would fill volumes, so I won't get into it now. In short, I do believe it’s a disease, but I would never say that I was not 100% responsible for all of the poor choices I made – I want to be exceedingly clear about that.

Back on point… The evolution of lies to lies & deception found me digging myself into an ever-deepening hole. We have a saying in recovery: When you are digging yourself into a hole, the first step is to stop digging. However, that never occurred to me. The disease already had its talons deep in my head – I was convinced that I could dig myself out laterally with "just a few" more lies and deception "to get me out of this one thing here", but that only got me deeper. Of course, that's no surprise to most of you dear readers…

And so the self-loathing begins. It's around that point when an addict usually first sees a glimpse of what is truly happening to them. The disease is particularly cruel in this way: Not only does it slowly destroy all of you – it also gives you an occasional glimpse of the reality of things as you progress deeper – just long enough for you to become very frightened & hopeless about what's happening, but not long enough that you can steel your will to take proper and right action.

So, the self-loathing… Your faint awareness of what's going on begins to send you into a state of depression. Hopelessness sets in. This is when you really begin to detach from your environment in earnest. The cycle of bad action – guilt begins to spiral down more violently, because – more and more - your drug of choice becomes involved in everything you do. Even if not actively using, your thoughts are still consumed with it. It seems to be the only escape – you know full-well you are in that hole - you may have already given up hope of ever getting out, and now the only thing that takes away the pain is the drug. And so you self-medicate with it as much as you possibly can.

Back to me now… Like all addicts, I had grand thoughts that I could have my cake and eat it too. I thought I could control my "small and only sometimes problem", and still have a successful, happy life. And I tried like hell to make that happen. I tried everything. For many years, I tried. And let me reaffirm that to any skeptical addict out there reading – it can't be done, my friend. Addiction is in no way compatible with sincere happiness.

But I tried. The lies and deceptions grew in size and number. And the drinking increased proportionately both in cause and effect. Can you see how this is a vicious circle? "Why not just step out of it?" or "Why didn't you reach for, or accept any help?", you may reasonably ask. Because the disease won't allow you do those things – those things are a threat to the disease, and it won't tolerate them. Again, I'll refer you to The Screwtape Letters for perspective.

Let's discuss my cheating. In my circumstance, I was involved in a long-term, long-distance relationship. That allowed me to live a double-life with varying degrees of success for quite a while. I could indulge my addict, and still play the part of got-it-all-together boyfriend. Afterall, I had a successful job, nice car, comfortable home, etc, etc. How could I be a mess if I had all those things, and (what I thought was) a successful relationship too? Well, addiction is a very greedy disease – it doesn't like to share any attention. It's simply a matter of time before it will consume everything else in you life, and that's what happened. As that was occurring, I still would get those fleeting glimpses of clarity, and they would only serve to increase my despair. I consoled myself that I still had a good job, a car in the garage, a roof over my head, etc. And although (in my moments of clarity) I knew the relationship was increasingly a sham as a result of drinking, I thought I was still doing OK because I had "a relationship" happening.

Soon, my diseased ego needed more stroking than just my own muddled assurances and rationalizations. I needed to feel that I was still attractive and desirable. By this point, my girlfriend knew much of what was happening, and I still tried to deny everything and placate her as much as I could. I was stuck in a bad place – if I admitted to her what was happening, I would risk losing my one true love (alcohol), but if I let her go, I would be acknowledging that things were really falling apart – in that case, it would be undeniable (even to crazy me!) that I was unable to maintain my "happy" life and still drink. Of course, this was lunacy – my life was already a total mess at that point. Little more than shoestring and bubble-gum were holding together my shell of an existence, and yet somehow, I kept my job, my home, my car, etc. "See! I still have all that!!!", I said to myself. Ugh. I know it's insane. The disease of addiction is defined by insanity. Clinical and verifiable.

So, I fed my ego by "dating" locally while in Japan. Since I was in no shape to be a true boyfriend to anyone, this "dating" was little more than short-lived physical trysts. But they temporarily filled a void – I construed those relationships as a indication that I was still desirable. However, just one relationship wasn't ever good enough – it didn't ever quite satisfy the ego completely. So there would be more relationships in an effort to satiate my rotten ego. Yet another downward spiral… Insanity can be defined as "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results each time". Insane. This disease is insane. And all this time, I was still in a "relationship" with the one girl back in The States.

Then, prior to coming back to The States, I found a woman I cared for very much. I was convinced that she was the one who would get me through the disease finally. Of course, I never told her that – I knew she would run like hell if she knew the truth about me, and rightly so! So began a new game of trying to juggle "happy life" and addiction. If only I could be a better person for her, it would all be OK… That, of course, wasn't ever going to happen if I could not be accountable and honest about my situation.

Such a quandary… What's a drunk to do? Keep on juggling, because that's all a hopeless drunk can do.

So I did. Even when I returned to The States, I kept juggling – and now I had quite an act going on… I was now back home with the original girlfriend, and had the other one long-distance. Wracked with guilt, I half-heartedly tried to patch things up with the original girlfriend by involving her in an out-patient alcohol treatment program I attended. But I wasn't ready to give up drinking despite the state I was in, so there was no possibility of me being capable of making things right. Especially since I was still involved with the other girl long-distance (she didn't know any of this was happening back home – about the original girlfriend or any of that). I then had a brilliant idea (or so I thought) – I could have the "happy life" and my drinking because I could go back to the ol' "double-life" game with the new long-distance girlfriend! I simply had to get the original girlfriend out of the picture. Crazy, ain't it? But that takes me back to that earlier predicament – how do I break things off with her without acknowledging why? Afterall, that endangers my beloved addiction. As it turns out, my addiction did it for me – she caught me drinking, and although I denied it up & down, the circumstance was excuse enough for me to terminate the relationship. That was very early February 2006 - about 3 years ago.

Ahhh, I thought I was pretty home-free then… Now, I have the new long-distance girlfriend (who knew none of what happened), and my true love (booze). The hope to get my act together "for her!" was renewed. But that was the problem. I pinned my hopes of getting better on her, not on me.

You see, an addict will never truly get well until they decide to do it for themselves – they must hit that infamous bottom. And this concept of "the bottom"? It's a crock of shit. There is no bottom until you are six feet under. And, depending on your religious beliefs, that then may really be the start of your problems! Until you're dead, there's always further to fall, trust me! But I digress. I wanted to get better for her (which is a fine thought, and perhaps a nice start), but not for me – so there could never be true success. Only juggling.

Although I had long lost any sincere spirituality, I did occasionally pray asking God to find a way out of this disease for me. The sad part was that I just wanted to be helped, but I wasn't willing to help myself. That’s an all-important distinction to keep in mind as I continue here.

So, my "bottom" (if you will)… I had driven out to see my girlfriend out-of-state. My family didn't know about this girl, so I had to make the trip in secret. I told them I was going camping by myself up north for the week. I stayed sober the entire time I was with her (I don't know how I pulled that off – I'm sure I was shaking violently most of the time), but I sure drank hard on the way home. I stopped for the night in the middle of Nebraska, and drank pretty much the entire night. I slept maybe for a couple of hours before heading out at around 6 am. Still drunk at ~7 am on July 1st '06, I fell asleep at the wheel on I-80, and went into & through the divided highway median. Since it was ditch-shaped, I launched out of it and rolled the car, totaling it. Gratefully, there was no traffic in the oncoming lanes I sailed through, or I surely would've killed all of us. They say the car rolled 4 or 5 times before stopping. It was mostly flattened, but somehow landed upright. In typical drunk fashion, I crawled out of the mashed wreckage completely unscathed. I was taken to the local county jail and processed for DUI.

Talk about a sobering experience... Here I was in podunk Nebraska county jail for DUI #3 in my drinking & driving career, and no one had any clue where I was or what I was up to. The girlfriend I just left believed that I'd given up drinking months before, and my family thought I was camping in MN. To say I was suddenly at a low point is a gross understatement.

I became suicidal in my despair. But they make those jailhouse drunk tanks awfully darn hurt-proof (I was in there by myself – after all, it was early morning!). My ingenious idea was that I'd fashion my woolen blanket into a rope and then somehow attach it to the toilet, and "hang" myself my leaning out from it. As I had the blanket wrapped around my neck and was trying to figure out how to attach it to the toilet, I was literally stopped - God spoke to me then & there. I swear it. He said, clear as a bell: "I am once again offering you an answer to your prayers – you have a very, very clear choice before you. Is that truly the final choice you want to make?" And I stopped. I just sat back and took it in. And I knew that wasn't the choice I wanted to make. I wanted to choose life, and I accepted that that path would be the hardest thing I've ever done, but for the first time ever, I felt the strength and will to do it. And I actually smiled, sitting there next to the toilet with the blanket wrapped around my neck. I finally chose life, and I was filled with an indescribable peace. At that very moment, I felt God remove the obsession and lift the fog & despair from me. It was a true miracle, and it was simply amazing.

But, that also happened to be when a deputy checked in on me and put 2'n'2 together about what it appeared I was trying to do. I tried to explain, but I'm sure it all sounded plain crazy, so off to the loony bin I went. Errr, I mean "psychiatric facility". Yes, I am crazy, and I now have the paperwork to prove it! I spent several days there before I was finally released to return to MN for in-patient treatment before going to trial. Some long, hard phone calls ensued over those next days – having to explain to my worried-sick parents what happened, having to confess the situation to the girlfriend, etc. But these were the very necessary first steps to becoming accountable for my past actions – my recovery would never be a success without honesty and accountability.

In-patient treatment through the VA was great, my amazing family was (and still is - thank you!) wonderfully supportive, and I then returned to NE to responsibly handle my court-related obligations and sentencing.

The rest, as they say, is history – by God's grace, life in recovery has been very good to me.

However, at that time, one looming thing remained…

The girlfriend I had visited never knew about the original girlfriend. None of it. And I sure wasn't planning to tell her. Although she understandably didn't want to date me anymore (go figure!), she was willing to remain friends. I selfishly didn't want to jeopardize that by disclosing about the other girl. Long story short, the other girl ended up getting involved and she told the newer girlfriend e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I was upset at first, but then I realized she did me a favor – she forced my hand to be accountable. I was being selfish trying to still hide some deep, dark secrets, but that simply wouldn't do – as long as I did that, I left a small refuge for my scheming addictive nature to lurk in. So, that all was actually a blessing. Over time, the newer girlfriend accepted my amends (but we have no contact at her request). The original girlfriend has clearly not accepted my amends, but that's her choice.

Now, I'm back today in similar straits again… That old girlfriend is still on her quest to make sure that all women of the world know about my deplorable past, so I wanted to share some of my story openly here. Yes, there are admittedly many details I've left out, and certainly some things said in her posts that I have chosen not to address or acknowledge. And that's appropriate for now. This is answer enough for the time being.

One final thing. It's all a matter of public record, but I wish to acknowledge here & now that I do have 3 DUIs total. I have paid my debt to society for those, and they are now part of my past. I am truly grateful that I didn't hurt anyone when I was drinking & driving the thousands of times I did it. I realize that's shocking and inexcusable to most of you out there – and fully understandably so. "How could you?!?", you may ask. Please don't make the mistake of trying to "figure out" or otherwise attempt to make any sense of the choices an addict makes – it simply can't be done. My only concern was feeding my addiction & ego – that controlled everything I did and thought, and none of that can be satisfactorily rationalized. It's yet another cruel twist of the disease…

Perhaps I truly am a bad person at my core. Maybe that "active-alcoholic me" is indeed the "real me", and that's who I truly am. Perhaps I only enjoy a respite from being that rotten seed by staying active in recovery. I don't know the answers to all that, but I do know this: ongoing sincere and rigorous dedication to the 12 Steps of AA, and having a personal & real relationship with God as I understand Him are THE keys to me being that good and decent man. As long as I hold those things near & dear to me, I know I will humbly succeed in all areas of life. Sobriety is – and always must be - the #1 priority in my life; if I lose that, everything else will crumble in very short order. Wondering who I "really" am is completely unimportant when I well know what it is required of me to be a good man. That's what matters – and, by God's grace, that path is clear to me today.

I may still make some mistakes as I proceed, but I'm on my way. See you out there!

A work in progress - always & forever...

EDIT: I have enabled "comment moderation" because I will not allow responses (which have been attempted) from that certain individual. She is malevolent; in my presence, I will not tolerate her unreasonable instigation here, or at any other time. All others are certainly welcome to comment; thank you for your understanding.
----------------
Now playing: U2 - grace

Retirement

I've decided to stop posting to this blog, and will now search for a new writing outlet. I'm not sure what that will be yet, but I'll figure it out over time...

This blog has been a wonderful refuge & release for my thoughts during a challenging and transformative period in my life, but it feels right to move on from here to something new at this point.

Thank you to all of my readers for your support and wonderful comments - I will try to keep you posted of what evolves next. You can always find me on email and FB in the meantime.

Take care & live well!
----------------
Now playing: the sundays - good bye

New year updates

I apologize to my readers - I've not been a faithful blogger of late!

It's been a fantastic Holiday season, and wonderful start to the new year. Hosting Christmas Eve for my family went great - we all had a good time together catching up and celebrating Christmas. As usual, our traditional Evil Thievin' Game provided many laughs. A good time was had by all :) If you're on Facebook, look me up; I've put a few pics there from the evening.

Christmas weekend, I met up with my brother Shaun & his family for some skiing & snowboarding. We met up in Duluth, and then caravaned to The Porkies in Michigan's U.P. Again, a grand time had by all - I snowboarded all day Saturday, and then returned to The Cities on Sunday, but the conditions on Saturday were awesome. Nice temps (high 20s, no wind) and the snow was in great shape. I think I'll start making The Porkies an annual trip - I really enjoy it there!

New Year's Eve was a quiet one - I was still behind on sleep from the previous week/weekend. I fell asleep on my couch well before 10 pm. Pretty lame, I know, but it's all good.

The new job is working out very well - I'm getting settled in, and I'm very much enjoying it so far! A nice bonus is that I've been issued a work laptop and full capability to work remotely, so I'll be able to take advantage of that a couple days a week once I'm fully up & running. The extra pay isn't bad either ;)

I've been reuniting with more & more old friends (grade school, high school, USAF, others) via Facebook - that's a true blessing. I'm a happy camper! We had a grade school mini-reunion just prior to Christmas, and it was a hoot! It's been a lot of fun to catch up with folks. Hit me up if you are on it.

The new house is still working out just fine - the squirrel makes an occasional appearance when it's warmer out, but he's been otherwise quiet.

I broke down and bought a treadmill recently for wintertime running. I am a complete & utter wimp with cold-weather running, and I just couldn't take it any more. The treadmill is allowing me to get back on my desired training regimen, so I'm excited about that.

I'm reading C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity now, and I'm finding it very engaging. I'm a born & raised Catholic, and still consider myself that, but I've long struggled with the dogma of the Catholic Church as an institution. There's much about it that I have issues with. In my recovery, I've rediscovered a wonderful new spirituality and have (what I consider to be) a genuine & personal relationship with God, but I haven't yet tied that back into my Catholic faith, which has been a bit frustrating. I don't let that frustration take away from my relationship with God, but I'd eventually like to tie my spirituality back in with religion. I'm not there yet, but Mere Christianity is helping me to start bridging some of those gaps - a back-to-basics approach, if you will. So far, so good. Just as with my recovery, the keys to my ongoing spiritual development are Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness.

Life is good these days - really good. I have much to be thankful for! I hope your new year is also off to a great start!
----------------
Now playing: massive attack - what your soul sings

Oh yeah, my blog...

I've been off the bloggin' train lately. No particular reason, just haven't been up to it.

Like all of you out there in Bloggersphere, I'm having a busy time of year. Updates follow in no particular order...

I'll be hosting Christmas Eve for my family at my new (I still call it "new", ha!) house. I think it will be great - everyone is planning to at least make an appearance, so it'll be wonderful to see all of the gang. It's been quite a while since we've all been together.

I'm excited for my new job to start in a week. For several reasons, I know it's going to be busy right from the start, but that's how I like it - nothing like jumping right in.

I've had a falling out with Verizon, and have finally jumped on the iPhone bandwagon. Wow - this thing may very well be The. Coolest. Thing. Ever. I've been waiting for the iPhone to go 3G and be opened up to 3rd-party apps, and Apple definitely has a winner with this thing. AT&T's coverage quality here isn't as impressive as Verizon's, but it is most definitely good enough. One of my favorite apps thus far is from good ol' MPR - all three stations seamlessly streamed? Sweeeet.

My new pet peeve is folks who disregard the Snow Emergency parking rules. C'mon, people - it's not rocket science to figure out where to park. To the juliet alpha with the POS Kia who parked in exactly the right spot to maximize plow overflow spewage into my front walk: Thanks for nothing. Next time I'm shoveling all of that snow on top of your car.

I'm heading back to The Porkies next weekend to meet my brother and his family there. I'm excited - the weather sounds like it will cooperate. I'm sure it will be a blast. Note to self: wax the board.

My recent reads include "Pride and Prejudice" and Irving's "The Fourth Hand". I'm a big Irving fan, and hadn't read that one in a while. I hadn't read P&P since high-school, and I enjoyed it much more this time around. Fantastic story. Next is more C.S. Lewis (thanks R!) with "Mere Christianity". I finished Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters" a while back, and was completely smitten with it. If you've never read it, it's well worth your time. It's a new all-time fave of mine...

I have so much to be thankful for this Holiday season - a loving & supportive family, wonderful friends near & far, a very promising new job, a cozy home of my own, a dependable car, and - most importantly - my sobriety. When I think back to what a complete mess I was just 3 short years ago, none of these things that I enjoy today seemed possible or within reach. By God's grace, sobriety has given my life back to me, and I'm determined to humbly make the most of it, taking nothing for granted. I know this is just the beginning of great new things for me, and I am ever grateful for this second chance at life.

Stay warm, park smart ;), and have a very Merry Christmas and Holiday season!
----------------
Now playing: chuck berry - run rudolph run

Grateful

I was hired for the training job I've been after, so I am a happy camper! As the interview process went on (and on and on!), I was pleasantly surprised to make it to each new level, and I finally was presented with the offer. What a blessing - I think this will be a great fit for me, and I'm very much looking forward to getting started. This job was been freed up from our current hiring freeze, and I'll be starting after Christmas.

I came very close to not applying for this job at all, because I didn't think I had enough Bank experience for it. But experience is a relative thing - my lack of experience with The Bank is rather unimportant compared to the wealth of experience I have from the USAF as an instructor and training program developer. Those strengths are what got this job for me, and I'm very grateful!

When I first started submitted my app for this job, I blogged about a former mentor's quote: If you never ask the question, the answer is always 'No'. Indeed! As the interview process progressed, I believed more & more that this was a good fit for me, and I fought hard to get it. I'm very happy that it worked out - I'm excited to join this new team!
----------------
Now playing: st etienne - join our club

Things I learned today:

1.) ALWAYS check to make sure power is removed/unplugged before you touch an electrical circuit. Fortunately, my socket wrench & the thermal fuse took the brunt of that volt attack.

2.) Apparently, simply taping together electrical connections that routinely see 20+ amp flow is not a good idea. The repair man gave me a ...errr... I'll call it a disappointed look when he saw my handiwork with that. He was a great guy though, and I appreciate that he was willing to nicely explain some basic electrical stuff to me.

3.) My plain-jane dryer is a time-tested, well-respected, and extremely durable Kenmore-branded Whirlpool model (it's been through a lot!). But Energy Star compliant, it ain't. During parts of its cycle, it draws as much power as my central air conditioning unit. Yikes.

4.) Calling in a pro may hurt the ol' pride and pocketbook a little bit, but peace of mind is priceless ;)
----------------
Now playing: peter gabriel - shock the monkey

Good day!

Whew - I made it through everything today fine!

My webinar presentation (for my interview) went very well, IMHO. It was well received, so that's encouraging. If I make the cut as one of the final two contestants, I will have to do one more interview with a boss higher up the chain, but I won't know either way until next week. I'm just happy today's presentation went well; this has been a most educational & helpful interviewing experience so far. What happens next is in God's hands...

The tree is finally GONE! Wow - there is a lot of sawdust all over my yard. And my neighbor's yard. Oh well, better some sawdust than a busted dead tree smashing through their roof ;)

The dentist appointment also went well - no repair work there needed at this time. Woot!

Tomorrow, the dryer repair guru comes. Hopefully that goes well too!

I'm looking forward to some time off now to clean up the yard, and get some stuff done around the house. Nice!
----------------
Now playing: new order - world in motion

Thug squirrel pic

Yes, that is pepperoni pizza he's eating. Apparently, he's evolved up from simple acorns, to tortillas, and now pizza. He's getting crazy fat these days. Winter's a-comin'!
----------------
Now playing: the dust bros - stealing fat

Busy week

...but a great week.

Next Weds, I have the final interview for the training development job I'm pursuing. I have to create and present a topic via webinar. It will be challenging since I don't use those collaboration software tools in my current job. I'm excited though - I'm confident that I will do well (as long as the software cooperates!) We are still on a hiring freeze, and it could well be that this job opportunity gets yanked at some point due to all of that, but this is all still welcome experience for me - I'll take what I can get!

I've been blessed to have another experience this week that has renewed & refreshed my outlook on relationships. This particular experience would be difficult to capture in a blog post, so I won't tackle that... I'll just say that it's beautiful to have an affirming, kind, and mutually respectful relationship where the give-and-take between each other is genuinely beneficial and equal in reward.

I suppose that doesn't seem like a lot to ask or expect (from either friends or potential significant others), but it seems so hard to find these days!

We are at different stages of our lives in many areas, and primarily because of those things, we had agreed up front what the expectations were. Our friendship began not out of the potential to 'get together', but instead to simply to be kind and affirming to one another at a time when we both needed it (and who doesn't? :) Everything was plainly out on the table from the start, with no pretense or posturing whatsoever. How refreshing that is!

It's amazing how quickly you can truly get to know someone when the silly fluff, wasteful posturing, and dodgy gamesmanship of mainstream gettin'-to-know-ya is bypassed. It's easy to get stuck or lost in those things and either not even realize it, or convince yourself that you are somehow further along (been there, done that!)

Our brief correspondence has evolved over the week to different level (hard to explain), and we won't communicate as much going forward now, and that's both OK and appropriate. This experience has been a valuable re-centering for me, and I am blessed and grateful for it.

I will certainly approach future relationship opportunities in a new manner!

A work in progress...
----------------
Now playing: beck - where it's at

Happy Veteran's Day

... to all my uniform-wearin' bros and sisses out there (past & present). Thank you for your service to our great nation!
----------------
Now playing: dos gringos - the legend of shaved dog's ass

Laziest. Weekend. Ever.

And I'm lovin' it.

I do miss last weekend's lovely weather though - this is quite a change! What I dislike most about wintertime running is trying to figure out how to dress for it. I own a respectable spectrum of cold-weather training gear, but it's hard to know what the right combo is on any given day. Meh, if that's my biggest gripe right now, I'm doing OK ;)

Thug Squirrel and his posse must be getting holed up for the winter. Yesterday, he apparently found a stash of tortillas in the neighbor's trash. He came running across the street 3 times with a big 10" tortilla in his mouth. It was funny to watch, because he couldn't run well or even see with it - he kept tripping over it dashing across the street, and then he twice bonked into my handrail trying to run up my front steps (he always takes the steps when invading my yard - it's rather strange!). But he wasn't letting go of them for anything. On his last trip, I chased him around the front yard a little bit just to hassle him, and he would not drop that thing despite being in a panic. Crazy squirrel.

I now have a date set for the tree coming down, so that'll be good to have done. I'm hoping it's a little warmer that week - I've taken a couple of days off work to do one final yard cleanup & gutter clearing after the tree is gone.

I fully resigned my USAF commission this week, and I am now 100% out of the military - no more oddball 'Reserve' status or anything like that. Although I was never really worried about getting called back up for anything, it's certainly a nice feeling to have all of those cords finally cut for good!

No news on any job stuff, but I don't expect to have any soon. Across the board, we are on a hiring freeze right now (lots of reasons), so I think I'll stay where I'm at for the foreseeable future. And that's fine - I'll just continue to keep my eyes open for opportunities.

Stay warm!
----------------
Now playing: social distortion - cold feelings

Yikes

This is a bummer of a run. I'll keep my run-related whining in check now...

Tonight was a great run - it's gorgeous out!
----------------
Now playing: moby - flying foxes

Vote. But vote smart.

OK, one political post and then I'm done.

We are a nation at war. We are a nation facing our lowest levels of international confidence and support. We are a nation facing wide and deep domestic crises wreaking damages unseen for generations.

None of these things are insurmountable for our great nation if swift and decisive corrective actions are taken.

So please don't be stuck on stupid with your priorities going into the booth tomorrow. I got news for y'all: McCain's priority ain't gonna be overturning Roe Vs Wade. And Obama's priority ain't gonna be gay marriage.

Our next president and congressional leaders have urgent & looming challenges to address. And they're big ones. Bigger than most of us have ever seen in our lives.

I don't care who you vote for tomorrow. Just please vote smart - pick the right people for the right reasons.
----------------
Now playing: kid rock - american bad ass

Life in the trenches

Over this weekend, my department at work moved to a new building. I went in this afternoon for a couple of hours to help set up my area. I like the new location! I've got a bigger cube, a huge window view (woot!), and a fancy new Aeron chair (comfy!).

The new digs really are very nice - it's a big improvement over our old location. No skimps by the brass with regard to setting it up well.

However, I'm starting to get that itch to move on to new challenges. Realistically, that may not be likely for another year or so (just a matter of establishing more experience), but I've been tweaking my resume, and I'm starting to send in apps to see what nibbles I get.

Fully understanding that my specific experience level with this company is the long pole in the tent for me, I'd be happy to just get some interviews under my belt for now. I learn so much from each interview I do, and each one helps me prepare more and be stronger for the next. So far, so good - I've got a phone interview this week for the first app I sent in. As part of the phone interview, I had to answer a comprehensive pre-interview questionnaire. Those too are hugely beneficial - it asked some great questions, and I'm glad to be challenged with thinking about those types of things once again. Putting that hat on helps me give due attention the ever looming "Am I on the right path to get to where I want to be?" question.

Of course, I will be thrilled if any of my current & future apps turn into an offer here in the near future, and who knows... Stranger things have happened! As a wise mentor once told me: The answer is always 'No' if you never ask the question.

Another gorgeous day here - it's been a wonderful weekend of running & mountain biking for me, and I'm grateful for it.
----------------
Now playing: marty & elayne - staying alive

I say bollocks to "Endless Summer"...

... gimme "Endless Fall"!

This weather is effin' amazing! Great day today - much has been accomplished. I'm a happy camper. And I beat the onset of my cold - I was going to be one sad monkey if I wasn't 100% over this gorgeous weekend.

I'll post up more in the next day or two. Don't forget to fall back tonight!
----------------
Now playing: the smiths - how soon is now

Must sleep...

I feel a fall cold starting to get its claws in me today, so I'm about to go to bed. Usually, if I can load up on vitamin C and get a good night's rest, I can fend it off early. Wish me luck!

Otherwise, it's been a good week - quiet, but good. I'll end this recent boring/bummer blogpost streak here soon, I promise! A busy weekend is coming up, and I'm looking forward to it...

I hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather - there may not be much more!
----------------
Now playing: opus III - stars in my pocket

Clarification

Regarding my previous post -

I'm aware that parts and the whole of it are all quite vague. That is intentional. Those who know, will know. For the rest of y'all, more explanation may perhaps be a story for another time & place, but not here...

Sometimes, it helps me to write my way through something in order to arrive at my own resolution. That post was one of those times. It wasn't intended to paint a perfectly clear picture.

So, thanks for your patience - I'll return to more benign topics like evil squirrels, running blather, and whining about my gimp tree soon enough! I'm sure you are all on the edges of your seats in anticipation ;-)

Have a great start to the week!
----------------
Now playing: soul asylum - spinnin'

Karma, Reality, and Forward Progress

It appears that the circumstances surrounding a certain recent situation are indeed what I had suspected all along.

Or are they? A wise & crusty boss once told me, "Hydro, reality ain't shit. Perception is everything."

With that in mind, I am perhaps jumping to conclusions about this particular thing, but I doubt it. The funny part of it all is this: none of the "what really happened?" is actually important.

Or, rather, all of it is only as important as I choose to make it.

Was I played for a fool?
Was I an unwitting chump the entire time?
Am I ...*gasp*... a victim?!?

So, let's say for a moment that all of what I suspect is true... I could rack it all up to karma. Unarguably, I then finally got something I had coming from an universal justice point-of-view!

The problem with that viewpoint is that it still paints me as a victim.

But, wait - I'm innocent here!
I didn't do anything wrong!
I'm allowed to be upset about this (if it's true!) - surely then, such feelings are justified!

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Such stinkin' thinkin' is a very slippery slope - it ain't a good or healthy place to wallow around in. I should know better, so...

Why is it that - all too often - our first instinct when feeling hurt is to somehow hurt back? Or at least get acknowledgment that we feel hurt (as we sit around on our pity-pots)?

I'm annoyed with myself for that crap still being a typical initial reaction...

The truth of this particular matter is: The reality is wholly unimportant to my own forward progress. The perceptions are created entirely in my own head, and I fully control them.

If I choose to mope and feel hurt, then I have absolutely no one to blame but myself.

And I am not innocent. I did plenty of things wrong which led to what happened...

I should have listened to my gut more instead of dismissing those somethin'-ain't-quite-right-here feelings as insecure paranoia.
I should have spoken up when I had genuine concerns.
Should I have trusted less, or been more suspicious? No, not that at all! I simply should have assumed less, excused less, and rationalized less.

I chose to lower my expectations & standards in a misguided effort to be more accommodating and not rock the boat.

I should have remained true to myself, and not accepted those compromises.

God willing, these aren't mistakes I will make again in the future. If I choose to see myself as a victim, then I have only my own poor decisions to blame for it.

I am grateful for the opportunity to become a stronger, wiser, and more confident person as a result of the whole experience, so no regrets!

I move forward one step at a time. And I am smiling ;-)

A work in progress...
----------------
Now playing: foo fighters - this is a call

Quick update

Squirrels:
Relatively quiet lately. They seem to be finished terrorizing the corn-stalk thing, and it's still standing tall. The paranoid in me wonders if they are quietly massing for some kind of new attack. Pretty soon, they'll have one less tree to heckle from & hide out in - and that's a good segue to...

"The Tree":
Final detailed estimate is in, and it's even 50% more than the original scary estimate. I had another estimate done, and it was similar. That's going to hurt the ol' pocketbook (or in this case, credit card!). Hurt a lot. But, it needs to be done - I'll tighten my belt a little bit, adjust the budget, and it'll all be fine eventually. Please pray that God doesn't decide to take the tree down before the tree service folks have a chance to!

Hair:
I can't resist anymore. I'm going to start growing it out again. I may just keep it extremely short & stubbly, but I'm curious to see my hair again. We'll see how it goes...

Stay warm!
----------------
Now playing: louis armstrong - i was doing all right

Bummed

My running has been a mixed bag since the marathon. I'm now just running every other day, and ~4-5 miles per go. My paces overall have been great, but the runs themselves have been a struggle for the most part. I feel like I'm fighting through them too much. I think it's mostly due to getting my nose, throat, and lungs conditioned to the colder air. And now that the TCM is done, there's just a certain level of psych that's missing as I go into the winter season. I'm confident it'll come together again; it's just a bit frustrating in the meantime. I'm blessed to have my health, and reflecting on that does gives me strength and cheer.

And I'm bummed that I'll (most likely) need to remove the big ol' ash tree in my backyard. After consulting at length with the arborist about it, I think that's the best thing to do. Unfortunately, it's also the most expensive solution (and, wow, it's expensive!). But even with any cheaper band-aid fixes now, it would just be a matter of time before I would need to take it down - that main trunk split is killing the tree and catastrophic structural failure is just a question of when, and not if.

I'm waiting on a more detailed estimate once the arborist's take-'er-down guru stops by to make an assessment. It's most like going to involve a large crane (numerous reasons pointing toward that being the best & safest solution). Oy. Oh well, I was planning to plant a couple of fruit trees out front this spring anyway, and now it looks like I'll be planting a nice shade tree in back too.

Many thanks to my good friends Matt & Todd for their suggestions on a follow-on tree. A couple of wiseacres, youz guys...

Ah, feeling less bummed already - it's nice to vent a bit. Thanks for putting up with it.

~~~ Squirrel update ~~~

I think the thug squirrels have done what damage they are going to do to my corn-stalk thing and a few other decorations I have up (nothing edible left). The corn-stalk thing still looks fine overall, so I think we're in good shape. Some other smaller corn decorations are a total loss, but that was to be expected. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did, actually.

When I came home from work yesterday, there was a big pile of some shredded corn-stalk debris piled up smack-dab in the middle of my side-door mat -- as in, "Yeah, me & my pals really dig that corn-stalk thing. Instead of just pooping on your mat, I thought I'd rub it in your face that I own that thing, sucka!!" Hmmm...

...When you least expect it, squirrel. I got your number.
----------------
Now playing: the soggy bottom boys - i am a man of constant sorrow