Fixer-upper-er

We have a few new folks starting at work lately, and it's always interesting (even exciting, perhaps?) to have someone new around. 'Around' could mean work, a social group, or even family. Or it could mean a new twist on an existing relationship - a platonic friendship turning into something more, for example. In all these cases, we have an opportunity to introduce ourselves anew (completely or dimensionally) to that person, and we make a fundamental choice about how and how much of ourselves we share in this new relationship.

Clearly, much of that follows certain established societal norms for each of those relationship examples I mentioned earlier. Crossing over any of those norms risks being labeled as 'creepy', 'odd', 'desperate', 'just ain't right', or worse! And, perhaps through learning some of those lessons the hard way and/or otherwise being hurt as a result, we can become wary of how much we are willing to share or give of ourselves, especially early on.

There's a fostering part of me that wants to always see people in new situations succeed. Perhaps it's the struggling newcomer at an AA meeting. Maybe it's a friend who is going through a troubling life experience. Maybe it's the new person at work walking around with the deer-in-the-headlights look. Two things have influenced this "I'll get this all fixed up!" nature in me: My experience as an instructor pilot, and my experience in recovery. I fully admit it: I love being the person present & responsible for someone else's 'Eureka!' moment. It's a great feeling, isn't it?!? But it's a fine line between being overly sheltering & directive, and allowing the other person to discover their own place in the relationship & environment - that's the crux!

There are two tools that I've found helpful (when I remember to use them, haha!). The first, I blogged about a while ago. The second is another sharing tool that I learned in recovery. A fundamental recovery tenet is to avoid telling someone what to do, how to act, etc. It's simply not our place, and none of us like being on the other end of that; rather, we should share our experience, strength, and hope with the person, and allow them to process that information themselves in order to decide their own place or course of action. This is accomplished by avoiding statements like "You should (not)..." Rather, discuss the issue from the perspective of your own personal experience, like this: "When I was in that spot, I did/said ... and it worked well for me (or) what I wish I had instead done/said was ..." It's a subtle variation to humbly proffer insight & direction to others without being overbearing or coming off as high-handed.

That all sounds pretty simple, right? Not so much! Why is that so hard to do sometimes?!? Ego, baby, E-G-O! Well, that's the reason for me; I like to think that I'm a pretty smart dude, and I can be darn smug about it sometimes ;) Now that is most definitely...

A work in progress...
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Now playing: red hot chili peppers - me & my friends